Big Ideas For The Yankee Candle Company.

Any of you hear about Yankee Candle Company deciding to produce a line of Man Candles?

It’s true, and the masculine scents include, RIDING MOWER, FIRST DOWN, and 2×4 to name a few.

The descriptions are marvelous, take 2×4 for example: “The warm, unmistakable scent of freshly planed wood and sawdust evokes a sense of confidence and quality.”

Brilliant. I would straight up buy riding mower, no question. Shocker, I know.

You know when you’re strolling through the mall and suddenly your eyes begin to sting and water? Perhaps the dry-heave reflex kicks into gear as you’re assaulted by the mid-air conglomeration of HOT APPLE PIE WHITE LINEN VANILLA LILAC PEACH COBBLER PINA COLADA TRANQUILITY CINNAMON PLUMERIA CHRISTMAS TREE? That’s right, you must be near The Yankee Candle Company.

It’s a crazy kaleidoscope resulting in total sensory overload. It’s too much of too many unrelated things all at once. It’s like shoveling baby dolls out of a tube of toothpaste while counting backwards in German and masturbating with a sea urchin. It’s just like that, but in your nose, it makes no sense.

They say that scents are our strongest links to memories. Maybe that’s why I feel overcome with unexplainable anxiety and utter confusion when I walk by.

Anyway, the article got me thinking…

I get really annoyed by candles boasting false olfactory promises such as “TRANQUILITY” -“RELAXATION” -“HARMONY” -“PEACE”- “SERENITY” etc…

I didn’t even make those up people, that shit is fo’ realsies. Fucking marketing.

So, I came up with some ideas for a new line. Kind of a reality check for those who are overly optimistic or entirely too cheerful.

Some ideas include, but are certainly not limited to:


See, you can market anything.  I know for sure I would buy any one of these candles, for their show-and-tell appeal if nothing else.

These are just a jumping off point, I’m always open to new suggestions.

28 replies

  1. I envy amount of perverts that gonna come to your blog looking for masturbation candles.
    The scents of yankee candles are like the ones used by Victoria’s Secret, what the hell is Luscious Crush?
    I hope they come with a Febreze Over Dirty Socks candle, for college kids.

  2. “MMMM, Bacon” is also a real candle scent marketed under Yankee’s Man Candle line; as though women folk don’t enjoy a nice fresh fat piece of bacon. That’s where I thought you were going to go. But you went someplace else. You could come up with quite a line by titling candles after your old posts; “One Year Sober,” “Willard Herman Scott, Jr.,” “Mommy, You’re Sexy” etc.

    • Now THAT is a brilliant idea…One year sober would smell like a musty church basement, willard scott would smell like strawberry smuckers, mommy you’re sexy…not sure about that one…?

      • Or a subset of Yankee Candles from your creative masturbation techniques post: “Semen Crusted Tube Sock,” “Warm Zip Loc Lotion,” “Duct Taped Banana Peel in the Microwave.”

        One year sober would definitely smell like musty church basement, with notes of shitty Maxwell House coffee grinds and wrinkled dollar bills in a wicker basket.

        Peace be with you.

  3. Maybe we could get together and put together a line of pet-scented candles.
    Wet Dog
    Cat Pee in my shoes
    Who shit in the corner?
    Retching on the shag rug
    That Fart wasn’t ME

    Not that I have experience with any of those.

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