Logan is 8, Wyatt is 5. Wyatt says some of the funniest shit I have ever heard. He is weird. I would like to share some Wyattisms with you.
Some of his best work is in the car.
1. I’m driving to the beach, it’s 8pm, we’ve been in the car for 2 hours. It is silent in the back seat, he lifts his head up momentarily: “I wish I had 4 toes.”
2. Again, we are in the car heading home from the Zoo. Logan got a 4 foot long stuffed animal snake that he keeps whipping me with from the back seat. I tell him that if he does it again, I’m going to take it away. Meanwhile, the music is up pretty loud, and Wyatt is hunched over on his iTouch playing Minecraft, totally in the zone. Of course Logan whips me with the snake again, so I grab it and throw it on the floor up front. He then pulls his knees to his chest, tells me I’m mean, shoots me the worlds meanest look and starts to cry. Wyatt, who I have thought is oblivious to everything going on, doesn’t even lift his head and says over the music and the crying, “He’s scared.” I say, “What is he scared of?” Not even looking up says, totally matter-of-factly, “His body.”
3. At the Zoo, there is an area where you can go in with about 20 goats, to brush and pet them. This is Wyatt’s favorite part of the Zoo. He’s in there hugging the goats, brushing them, very loving. All of the goats are just standing around, all of them acting identical to the others. He is working his way around the goats, making sure to get every one. There is one goat, no different in appearance or action than any other goat, that I have noticed he has not hugged or brushed. I say, “hey buddy, you missed this goat!” Again, without even looking up from the goat he is currently brushing, he doesn’t miss a beat and says, “That’s the mean goat.” I’m used to his Wyattisms so Aaron and I just laugh. Aaron then walks over to the other side of the fenced in area to get some shade. About 5 minutes later, “the mean goat” separates himself out from the herd, and starts walking all the way across the fenced in area, directly towards Aaron. I saw the look of confusion, disbelief and terror on his face. We were like oh fuck, the kid’s a goat whisperer. The goat stopped right in front of Aaron, and pooped. Wyatt knows things.
4. To the check out lady at the grocery store, every single time, and to anyone that will listen: “My Mom’s 42.”
5. This morning while brushing his teeth: “My nipples hurt.”
Your turn, give me some of your kids’ best Isms…