5 Things My 5 Year Old Has Said : Wyattisms

Logan is 8, Wyatt is 5. Wyatt says some of the funniest shit I have ever heard. He is weird. I would like to share some Wyattisms with you.

Some of his best work is in the car.

1.  I’m driving to the beach, it’s 8pm, we’ve been in the car for 2 hours. It is silent in the back seat, he lifts his head up momentarily:  “I wish I had 4 toes.”

2.  Again, we are in the car heading home from the Zoo. Logan got a 4 foot long stuffed animal snake that he keeps whipping me with from the back seat. I tell him that if he does it again, I’m going to take it away. Meanwhile, the music is up pretty loud, and Wyatt is hunched over on his iTouch playing Minecraft, totally in the zone. Of course Logan whips me with the snake again, so I grab it and throw it on the floor up front. He then pulls his knees to his chest, tells me I’m mean, shoots me the worlds meanest look and starts to cry. Wyatt, who I have thought is oblivious to everything going on, doesn’t even lift his head and says over the music and the crying, “He’s scared.” I say, “What is he scared of?” Not even looking up says, totally matter-of-factly, “His body.”

3. At the Zoo, there is an area where you can go in with about 20 goats, to brush and pet them. This is Wyatt’s favorite part of the Zoo. He’s in there hugging the goats, brushing them, very loving. All of the goats are just standing around, all of them acting identical to the others. He is working his way around the goats, making sure to get every one. There is one goat, no different in appearance or action than any other goat, that I have noticed he has not hugged or brushed. I say, “hey buddy, you missed this goat!” Again, without even looking up from the goat he is currently brushing, he doesn’t miss a beat and says, “That’s the mean goat.” I’m used to his Wyattisms so Aaron and I just laugh. Aaron then walks over to the other side of the fenced in area to get some shade. About 5 minutes later, “the mean goat” separates himself out from the herd, and starts walking all the way across the fenced in area, directly towards Aaron. I saw the look of confusion, disbelief and terror on his face. We were like oh fuck, the kid’s a goat whisperer. The goat stopped right in front of Aaron, and pooped. Wyatt knows things.

4. To the check out lady at the grocery store, every single time, and to anyone that will listen: “My Mom’s 42.”

5. This morning while brushing his teeth: “My nipples hurt.”

Your turn, give me some of your kids’ best Isms…

32 replies

  1. Love your Wyattisms!
    My son is now 18 but two things stand out:
    1. For a few years he talked endlessly about ‘the swhnn’. I had no clue what he was talking about. It was the washing machine of which he was terrified.

    2. I got ‘lost’ a few time as a kid so I had him well briefed on the do’s and don’t of what to do if he got lost. When he was about 3, we were in the supermarket and I heard my name being called out over the loudspeaker to come to Customer Service. Son was standing there with a big grin and said: ‘I was just practicing for if I do get lost!’

  2. Wyatt would get along perfectly with my Unicorn. He walked up to me one day and whispered “I need some underwear, and this pineapple” and then disappeared with the pineapple.
    And this is to say nothing of hearing him curse out his angry birds in a way that makes even me blush.

  3. Mykids are 3 years apart and at 3 and 5, they were playing like they were reporters. For some reason, they both wanted to be small and I forgot the context. My oldest said her name was Miss Tiny then my little one immediately says her name is Mrs. Tiniest! quick, right??

    I grew up with older siblings and saturday Looney Tunes cartoons. I loved Pepe Le Pew – dense…romantic…oblivious skunk of love. Sitting with the same younger kid one one day watching my Pepe Le Pew cartoon on a VCR, my little one says ‘He’s kinda like Michael Jackson” whaaaaaat??? she kinda ruined one of my childhood memories with that one.

    Great post Tracy – My daughter in Kindergarten did not want to get up in the morning. She’s been a night own since 2 or 3. So I’m trying to slowly wake her up instead of screaming like a sergeant, and she’s moving but not really. She blurts out ” Me plus School equals NO” I almost let her stay home for that one.

    Hope you got a laugh with my kid like I did with yours. I love these stories. Jayne

  4. We were in a long customer service line, behind an Asian gentleman. Amber doesn’t notice him for a while, until she does, at which point she yells out “Mama! Did you know horrible, HORRIBLE Chinese men kill china girl babies? I’ve always wanted to smack one of those Chinese men!” Right on sister. Right on.

  5. I love wacky kids. I always feel sorry for people who have normal little kids who do everything right and play basketball on teams and never say anything to embarass their parents.
    Two favorite things from when my eldest was little:
    1. We went into a video rental store (yes, I’m old) and he saw a “little” person. He shouts out, “Mommy, why is that old man’s head on that little boy’s body?”
    2. Same video store. Black man working. “Mommy! look! It’s Michael Jordan!!!”

  6. When the twins were four, we were checking out at Media Play. The cashier asked the twins if the liked their sister. Baby A said, “Nope, she farts too much.”

  7. Well done Trace, brought back some smiley memories. Ours are all teens now, so no new entries of late, but when they were little my Queen and I would write down the funny one-liners in a little journal, these days it is occasionally requested at the table on Family Date Nights for a read-out-loud session…Hi-fucking-larious! Gonna make for some great wedding speech material, too.

    • At Thanksgiving last year, my Aunt brought a weathered piece of paper to the table and unfolded it. My Dad had written it to her when he was about 10. It said, “Penny is a shitting fuck.” The entire table lost their shit laughing.

    • Scruffy,
      The hairy mess still reigns supreme…but a close second came lastnight. Wyatt was sitting on the couch in lacrosse shorts. I look over and he has his hand down his pants (as always) and I say, Wyatt! Leave your penis alone. He doesn’t, continues watching Sponge Bob, looks at me out of the corner of his eye with a smirk and says, “There’s a party in my pants.”
      Love,
      Scruffy

  8. Mine is 4 … he regularly updates me on all kinds of scientific facts, usually from the backseat of the car. “if the moon exploded, gravity on earth won’t work” (He might be right on that one.) “we talked about ananantomy at school today and you have two layers of skin” — he argued forever with me about this one. I finally just let him win. (You have three layers. FYI) And, the other day, I made him laugh and he replied “Mommy, you crack my nuts.” (blahahahaaaah … he’s a funny one)

  9. My daughter (now 23) at the age of 8 (hanging with her besty who was a grade higher) came home from school and asked me, “Mama, why do women bleed once a month?” Completely unprepared to answer that (seriously) I launch into an impromptu explanation about the reproduction cycle of women, explaining it in layman’s terms (what other terms could I possibly have used??) and said something like, “Well, once a month a woman’s body prepares for conception, and each month your body will release an egg that may or may not become fertilized….” I went on and on (to the best of my unprepared, drunken ability) to explain why this happens. I needn’t have bothered; at the end of my dissertation, my daughter said, “Wait a minute, I’m gonna have an EGG every month? No wonder we bleed.” You’d have to have been there – but it was priceless.

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