Balance. That is a tricky little nugget of a word shrouded in mystery, and I’m sure I’m not the only person who struggles with it. To me, balance is like figuring out how to walk around in a wet and shrunken wool sweater…in July. That translates into icky and confusing.

The past few months I have been happier than I’ve ever been, wrapped up in the world of an incredible love I have never known before. By no one’s fault other than my own, everything besides my relationship and our children has been neglected, particularly my writing. Since I began this blog, at a minimum I have posted 2-3 times a week. I’ve posted maybe 6 times in the past few months, and have not at all worked on my book, not freaking once. Slowly, I’ve begun to feel a restlessness creep in, one which I could not accurately identify. I realized that this has started to eat at me, that little voice in the back of my head that warns don’t lose yourself.

Let me make it perfectly clear that I am in a happy and incredibly healthy relationship, it is exactly where I want and need to be, and I’m filled with incredible gratitude that I have indeed found my soul mate. With that said, I need to be able to find a balance between me and us in order to feed my own soul and be the person I need to be in order to make a relationship work in the first place.

Then, this morning, I received this message from my dear friend and fucktard, Le Clown:

Eric Robillard

Yo. I know you’re in love. I know you are at hippie land of music. And I am fucking happy for you. But I am selfish. Will you continue to blog frequently? Will you continue to come on my blog once a week at least and make comment and like a post, and not something stupid cause you have to? I love you, but you’re kind of defeating the purpose of being in the blogroll right now, twat. x

That couldn’t have come at a more perfect time, it is exactly what I needed to hear. It smacked me in the face with the answer, and prompted me to write this post.

Balance, it takes work and resolve to find this happy medium. Being centered and nurturing your soul is absolutely essential in order to keep the light in your eyes, smile on your face, and love in your heart. If not, you will deplete, you will burn out, you will feel empty and unfulfilled and that will manifest into every nook and cranny of your life. I know this, I lived it, I lost myself for a long time and it has taken me almost 2 years to know who the fuck I am again.

I have learned that I am incapable of taking care of anyone else if I do not figure out, and do, what is necessary to take care of myself. Ironically it took a French-Canadian clown to help me fully realize what the fuck was going on inside of me. Thank you Eric. I will learn to make adjustments, keep feeding my soul, and in turn, be the best mother, partner, lover, girlfriend, and friend that I can be.

With all of that said and out of the way, I can’t wait to tell you all about our hippie fest weekend, because it was a magical and perfect combination of awesome hilarity. I got lost in my rich, full life and needed to take a break to live in order to have something to write about in the first place. I think I’m full and it’s time to sit and start vomiting words and stories.

44 replies

  1. Tracy,
    I love this post… I so get you with how much you can get when in a healthy relationship. When I met Sara, it was me, her, the kids, and that was all. And it was great, it fed us, and we got a great deal of it. But because of who I am and how I invest myself, I kind of lost touch with the rest of the world. And slowly, I have reached out again for what feeds me as an individual,. as me being happy for me, doing stuff for me and not just for my couple brought balance to my life, and to my couple. So good for you.

    Now blog you fuck, and earn your place in my blogroll (which you have a VIP place anyway). And now to make changes to it…
    Le Clown

    • Le Clown,
      Thanks for the kick in the ass, and the inspiration.

      I want to clarify that being in that bubble of a healthy relationship is in no way a bad thing. It is not necessarily that you have to separate yourself out in order to do things for yourself as an individual, but more bringing the things into your bubble that feed your soul, thus feeding your couple. Make sense?

      The fact is that in a healthy and loving relationship, you do become a we, and I am learning that the other person is right there along side you, in all of the things you do, to support and encourage.

      I am not used to this, I am used to having to subtract myself from the us to be me, and then try to jump back into the bubble of us. That doesn’t work. That creates a separation.

      What I’m learning now is that the other person becomes an additive and wants to give you what you need and be there beside you through all of it, never being the source of drain or depletion, but a source of inspiration, partnership, support and love. It’s a new world, a new kind of balance, and I am doing my best to navigate uncharted waters.

      Now it’s time to write again, you fuck.


      • Tracy,
        I’ll put it this way: for a strong we or us, there must be two strong individuals well defined in their own personalities, and well feed as human beings. When these two well balanced human beings meet, and live together, they become a wonderful we that will grow, as the individuals will continue to grow….
        Le Clown

        • Le Clown, Bill, et al.,

          The self or individual we imagine to be defined or fixed and continuous is really just a gathering of ever-changing ingredients. The self or the ‘me’ is an illusion, because by putting those ingredients together and defining it as a separative individual state, is like looking up at the clouds and seeing a clown or dinosaur or even a banana.

          When you look back at your ‘self’ or ‘me’ you can see it was never fixed, as with the clouds. The ‘me’ that was once defined is now something else. The point of these blogs, IMHO, as a 20 yr comp sci and watching it from it’s inception is that a person can experience everyone’s continual and the ever changing effervescence of the lack of a defined individual.

          The search and continual change allows us to not get trapped in what the defined individual ‘me’ creates. The freaking ‘me’, because it separates, can and does cause fear, pride, and jealousy among a plethora of other not so fun outcomes, and is unfortunately self supportive, the more you ‘me’, the more ‘me’ you get. It’s the classic divide and conquer, where as you define yourself as you and them as they. Two strong selves, make just that.

          -Buddha, Sun Tzu, Jung, Stanislav, Mckenna, Tolle, Maharshi, and one of my favs, Osho, Crowley (one of the reasons why he called himself the beast), H.P. Blavatsky, you get my point…if not read some of the above, if you haven’t already, they can explain far better than my poor attempt here. πŸ™‚

          Peace and Love,

          • “Rounded Corners,”

            When comments begin with “et al.” I typically put on my monocle, grab my dictionary, and pour myself a scotch on the rocks, and by scotch on the rocks I mean coffee.

            That is a very, very, very, very, very thorough and eloquent explanation. I concur with all of it. I also think that you are a hippie. I also think that I love you.

            Gucci Bags and Rainbow Flags,


  2. Tracy,
    What Le Clown said, but without the ridiculous accent. Or hipster fedora. Or all the smoked meat. Check that, we’re keeping the smoked meat. That would be foolish, to not keep all that delicious smoked meat, when there’s kids in China working at the iPhone factory who would kill their co-workers for just a little taste of smoked meat. Granted, those co-workers were probably just going to kill themselves anyway. But whatever.

    • Billy Blue Eyes, Fellow Concert Goer,
      I don’t particularly care for smoked meat in the first place, but I do fully support Eric’s hipster fedora. I also support fried dough, in fact, I’m marching on Capitol Hill this weekend in support of it. I bought poster board and made signs and everything. They read “EAT FRIED DOUGH, SO SMOKED MEAT EATING CANADIANS WILL KNOW” and “WEAR A FEDORA AND EAT FRIED DOUGH MORE-A”
      I’m brilliant.

    • Speaker7,
      We should invite you to one of our private discussions. But better prepare your Webster dictionary please, at least the Marquis de Sade version.
      Le Clown

  3. BALANCE… good word, a place I am trying to find (I like your wool sweater analogy)… everyday when I get ready to face whatever lies in wait I look at my mirror and see the word BALANCE written across it …

  4. I always have tremendous difficulty finding a balance, especially because I tend to be in relationships with fuck sticks who want to suck my very soul out of me for their own purposes. My first step in trying to find balance is to stop dating fuck sticks, and to read some damn book that freakin’ Chowderhead Adam recommended. Glad you’re back!!

    • Fat Bottom Girl,
      FACT: you will NEVER balance a fuck stick. Period.
      Do you know why you are attracted to such fuck sticks in the first place? Perhaps you need to find yourself a nice boy, with a kind heart, warm smile, and huge penis. Work on that.
      Dr. Phil

      • Dr. Phil,

        Most times I don’t have trouble finding the boys with huge penises and warm smiles, it’s the kind hearts that they lack. How do I find one with a kind heart?


  5. He has a way with words doesn’t he? And he sure knows how to make a girl feel special. I do agree with him – I have missed your blogging! So if it took a Canadian Clown to get you back in the saddle then he can call anyone he wants a twat

    • With Le Clown, words like twat, fucker, and the like are all terms or endearment. If he would not have called me a twat in the first place, I would know something was terribly wrong with our friendship. He is a fucking twat himself, and he knows it. I’m flattered that you missed my blogging, sometimes I forget people actually read it. Seriously. I know, right? I’m getting it back together sister.

  6. Well I for one love that you’re loving and getting a life and having a little mental health break after blogging and sharing with us some pretty full on serious shit over the last few months, you deserve it – Le Clown can always sit in a darkened room with some Diana Rigg DVD’s to amuse himself whilst you get your lazy arse blogging act together again πŸ™‚

    • Well thank you!
      I’m getting it back together, figuring out how to make all of the pieces of the puzzle fit together. I am similar to a 12 year old in my emotional maturity, so these things take me a little longer than your average 42 year old woman. I’m very special in that way.

  7. Tracy,
    I’m glad you put this on FB because it didn’t show up in my twatty WP reader.
    So glad you are happy, and that you will be back to writing again soon because I fucking miss your words too.
    And now I want to write an entire post about how I’m going to try to work “Monistat Bomb” into every conversation about vaginas I have from now on.
    Love and shit,

  8. Balance in early recovery is tricky. We’ve been to such wretched depths of self-loathing and despair, like a pendulum, we have to go to the opposite extreme to get to a healthy medium.
    Balance in a relationship is tricky because you’re in love with someone who didn’t fall in love with Tracy-in-love-with-him. He fell in love with Tracy-free-great mother-vibrant rays of sunshine beaming from her twat onto the pages she writes which no one can get enough of-Tracy.

  9. I’m with you, and probably the Clown guy as well, at least I think I am. You gotta be you or you’re no good as a pair, right? Take car batteries for instance, most people think if you’ve got one charged battery and one flat battery that if you connect them together you’ll get 2 half charged batteries, seems logical right…BA NAAHH!!…nope, you get 2 flat batteries. As a Sparky I’ve found the same applies to people, you gotta keep each individual unit charged or one winds up draining the other…here endeth Battery Charging for Happy Relationships 101…keep on chargin’ girl! Respect REDdog

  10. Holy shit, I had to scroll through a lot of comments in order to comment! Which is fabulous, but I’m feeling too lazy to read through all of them, though I’m sure they’re great. Balance is something I struggle with all the time. I love how happy you are. This post made me smile. Thought I’d share. Le Clown is clearly a bad-ass friend, btw. You’re a lucky girl!

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