The 5 Year Checkup

Yesterday I had to take Wyatt, my 5-year-old, for his 5 year check-up at the Pediatricians. He’ll be entering Kindergarten in the fall so I have to get the 9 tons of required medical paperwork filled out as well. For any parent that’s done this, you get it. It’s like a fucking scavenger hunt.

Apparently, he missed his 4-year check-up. I never have to take him to the doctor so I guess it never even crossed my mind.  The Doctor said he’s just a healthy little guy, I told him it was because he has a super-sonic immune system from licking grocery store conveyor belts, mouthing public urinals, and sampling filthy trash can lids every now and then. Seriously, he wouldn’t know what hand sanitizer was if it hit him in the face. I think germs are good, and he’s living proof.

Anyway, for a kid who will pee in a public parking lot, and would rather play Captain Underpants than anything, he was suddenly mortified when the nurse practitioner told me to get him undressed down to his underwear and that she would be right back. Suddenly he was the definition of bashful. I had to wrench his clothes off of him, and bribe him out from under my raincoat to get on the scale with promises of doughnuts and Game Stop. We finally got that part over with, and then in came Dr. Lake.

Wyatt was sitting up on the examining table thing balled up under my raincoat. It was nuts. I pried it off of him and had to get him to lay flat so that Dr. Lake could check him over. When he had to check and make sure both testicles had fully descended, suddenly it was the funniest thing in the world, and Wyatt just laid back, put his hands behind his head, and let the Doc go to town while he laughed hysterically. My kid is a funny little dude, there is nothing funnier than a penis.

Having missed his four-year appointment, I had warned Wyatt he was probably going to have to get a shot. He didn’t seem to worried about it, most likely because I don’t think he really remembered his previous shots. Anyway, it was shot time, so I told him to just put his arms around me and not to look. Bam, in went the first shot, and he screamed. Then SURPRISE! In went another shot, and he freaked. Nope, not done yet, in went the third shot and he screamed loud enough to simultaneously shatter glass and make your ears bleed. Huge crocodile tears were sliding down his red face as I held him and told him that it was all over, and that he was really brave.

He gave that Doctor the fucking stink eye like I have never seen.

I got him dressed and he wouldn’t even look me in the eye. We went into the Doctors office, where he gave us his growth chart, explaining that he was in the 98th percentile for height, and 68th for weight. He let me know I was going to have another giant on my hands. Shocker, I breed ‘em big.

We got in the car so that I could take him back to preschool, he would not look nor speak to me. He just sat there, disappointed in the stupid sticker he got for enduring three needles to the arm. I don’t blame him. Poor guy. I told him that I was really sorry, that I didn’t do it to be mean, but that all kids have to get their shots and that now he would not have to get another until he was eleven! After about 20 minutes in the car, he finally looked at me. I said “I love you buddy, are you mad at me?” To which he replied, “Mommy, I love you ZERO.”

Parenthood is beautiful.

21 replies

  1. At least he didn’t pass out when he got his shots. My daughter, even when she was 16, passed out when she SAW the needle. It made giving her the shots easy but it was a pain bringing her around every time. Especially when she was so big and fell so hard. He’ll get over the loving you zero. Did you go to Game Stop? That usually helps lots.

    • I was exactly the same way around needles, I was more terrified of the epidural than the delivery when I had my kids! Today he loves me regular, because we went to Game Stop.

  2. Sorry I’m British I know some parents have vaccinations( and some who don’t) but if he’s a perfectly healthy kid..why did he need three shots? .what were they?..scares me silly!

  3. Tracy,
    Just wait, before you know it, Wyatt will be begging for a nurse to take his clothes off…
    Of course, the context will be entirely different, my point remains valid: Kids grow like weeds, enjoy the insanity now.
    The Hook.

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