Off.

Off.

I’m just off, out of whack, off kilter. My head is going in too many directions and I’m feeling trapped by all of it. I can’t locate my center. I can’t get grounded.

There are just too many things out of my control that I am unhappy with right now, and although I write these fabulously positive posts on acceptance: (roll over and float) (how to eat an elephant) and vulnerability and the like, sometimes I have a hard time heeding my own advice.

I work hard at mindfulness, and at staying in the moment, and being grateful for all that I have, but sometimes I get tangled in my past and lost in my future, and that is when things like insidiously restless happen.

It is difficult for me to write right now, and I haven’t been posting much lately.

I have a friend who is an isolater in times of crisis. Won’t answer calls, or texts, or email, completely shuts out the world. It scares and annoys the shit out of me. Sound familiar? That’s my behavior, and they’re stealing it. It sucks being on the other side of it, I’ll tell you that. Maybe it’s my grand lesson presenting itself, waiting to be learned. A normal person might just get so frustrated by the situation that they say fuck it and stop trying. They might take it personally, but I know better, and I can’t do that because not only do I care about this person, but I understand the behavior. It is like you have been hijacked by yourself, like someone slammed a black bag over you that’s filled with emotion and you can’t get out of it. I am worrying about them a lot.

On top of it, this whole bombing fiasco spun me right the fuck out, and I have yet to catch my balance. There is so much pain, and anger and hatred flying around. The loss of life, the maiming, the senseless act in itself. How in the world was a 19-year-old boy capable of such an act? What happened to him? How is the poor father of the dead 8-year-old boy, a maimed daughter and a brain-damaged wife going to pick up the pieces that a deranged teenager blew apart with a crock pot filled with BB’s and nails and ball bearings? It literally has me soul-sick.

This is just a small sampling of my mental stew, but all of it needs to settle. I started smoking again after a month, which I feel shitty about but I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy battle, and I just caved. I’m human, and I’m flawed and fucked up like the rest of us. I just can’t fight that battle right now.

I know this is disjointed and sort of one big rant, but it’s the best I can do right now. Forcing myself to write is part of my attempt at dragging myself out of the hole. I went to the gym yesterday for boxing class, I strapped on my gloves and let loose on those bags for an hour like an amphetamine riddled prizefighter. Then I came home and laid out 25 bags of mulch and pulled weeds and cut my grass. All of these are measures to get myself right again. Although today I can barely lift my arms, I feel good from the sense of accomplishment, that I didn’t just curl up in bed all day with a pizza feeling sorry for myself catching up on Mad Men in a puddle of my own tears, right? That’s something.

43 replies

  1. Gardening always does me good. Even in this tiny, lawnless apartment, I gotta find ways to be with the growing things.

    Thinking of you often (how can I not?).

  2. I understand how you are feeling. I’m feeling much the same way and I don’t know what to do about it. I had lunch yesterday with my daughter and talked about the bombings and that seemed to help a bit. I hadn’t talked or blogged about it, but did comment on it on other bloggers’ sites. I couldn’t even put into words what I was feeling. I understand. It’s a weird feeling. I don’t like it.

  3. Isolators of the world unite! I and two of my friends become complete hermits when life is hard. The last time I shut in for 15 months o_O

    If I wasn’t on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean I would be there just to give you a hug as fast as I could but I can send you a virtual hug *hugs*.

    • Thank you. I am such an isolater when I get into a funk, it’s as inherent as breathing. Now, being on the other side of it, I see how much it hurts the ones that are concerned, trying to help lift you up, trying to get it. Life is a tricky little bitch.

  4. Better cigarettes than the bottle. Don’t beat yourself up too much, you’ll kick it again when you’re ready and you won’t have lost your amazing new/true self in the process. I completely understand your reaction to your funk. Sometims, when I’m in a similar place, and I find I CAN’T cry no matter how badly I need to, I’ll make myself watch a movie I know does the trick. I sob until the snot is streaming and somehow I begin to feel better once it’s all out. This is going to sound cheesy, but if you don’t already, have you ever tried yoga? Not the at home videos, though they’re good in a pinch. I’m always amazed at how much better I feel after yoga. A completely different feeling (better) than after any other workout. Except sex, of course. 😉 But it’s up there.

  5. Tracy, I know how you feel. I’ve been there myself.
    you need to do something for yourself—–whatever it is.
    Go out with the girls or with your boys. whatever you
    think is best for you,thats what you do.
    I have complete faith in you. you WILL get past this.
    I luv u

  6. Hi,

    Thank you for being honest. I bet a lot of people can relate, including myself. This is all part of the deal isn’t it? I just assume that life is like this for everyone, but maybe it isn’t. I think you’re on to something with the boxing (though maybe it’s a bit much if you can’t move your arms), and one thing I always believe in is doing something with my body when my mind won’t cooperate. The body is so concrete, so present. Will yourself to the gym. Will yourself to a good yoga class. Will yourself to go for a walk, and then while you’re doing it, surrender to it. Let it help you get grounded, and back on track.

    The backdrop of the bombing is hideous. Especially for us moms of boys. It is impossible not to feel for all parties including the 19 year old suspect. It is mind boggling and sad, and I want to write about it, but I feel paralyzed, and life feels out of control because of it.

    I love you sister, you are awesome, and you will feel better. Like you said, you are human. Don’t be too hard on yourself. This will pass. Just breathe through.
    xo Chris

    • I like to mix the boxing with the yoga. I alternate, one lets it out, one helps it settle. It’s a good little thing I have going. Thanks for your encouragement, you are an awesome woman.

  7. You’ll get past this, but know this: none of us stay on an even keel, it’s not human nature to do so. And we’ve all got our own ways to survive – not least to survive ourselves.

    Don’t worry about the smoking. You can always try again another time, it’s not the end of the world.

    Hugs.

  8. Tracy,
    25 bags of mulch is too much. Quit it, just the thought makes my arms tired. Don’t worry about smoking again. It happens to the best of us. And by the best of us, I mean me. The past week has been crazy. I had to wait 3 days before writing about anything otherwise it would have just been all vitriol and rage. I’m glad they took at least one of them alive.
    I hope you get out of your funk, my friend. The world needs your words. And by the world, I mean me.
    Bill

  9. Scruffy Sr.,

    Being “ON” requires a certain poise and confidence etc. Most people can look decent during these good stretches, and a lot can fake it through the low times…..

    Taking a roll in the shit just happens to some of us kinda reflexively…..the key (as you are demonstrating) is to say “yeah, I know…..I’m headed for the showers” – with your chin up. This is true flair – professional scruffiness. Back in the amatuer scruffy (sloppy) times we’d scoff about cleaning up, look for another mess to get into……I still can stretch things a bit 🙂

    Scruffy Jr.

  10. Tracy,
    I’ve been blocked for a good, long while too and it sucks!
    A few of my personal demons are weighing me down and I imagine we could have quite the healing conversation in person, but we are separated by several factors, so please accept my virtual hugs and support.
    You’ll be okay, baby. What choice do you have? You’re too strong to backslide, so keep pushing forward at your own pace.
    With love,
    The Hook.

  11. Yes you did good for yourself! I always think of myself as a ‘hermit’ when I’m low – while I generally maintain the semblance of human relationships, once I get back to my cave I’m straight under the duvet with a mindless show (read: several seasons of) to ignore life with for days at a time. I know that doing almost anything else will make me feel better, but damn it’s hard to take your own advice!

  12. I think you are doing the best things you can do – making yourself get out and do something and writing. Don’t beat yourself up about the smoking – no one can conquer everything at once.

  13. I had an impulse to comment on your post, but I’m too lethargic. Meh. I’m a champion isolator, I love spending time home alone, and I’m always amazed at how much spiritual juice I get from sitting in a meeting. Or reading a blog that talks about what I’m feeling. How on earth could I have failed to associate my doldrums this week with the stuff in Boston and Texas? I like what I heard a friend say yesterday: It doesn’t get easier, but it does get better.

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