Me & My John Deere X500 : A Proclivity for Mowing

Amongst many other things, I’ll be the first to admit that I am as addicted to mowing as stupid people are to watching Cosby Show reruns.

It all began in the spring of 2003 when I had a house with 5 acres, and subsequently my first tractor. She was a shiny red Craftsman DYT 4000 with a little 42″ mowing deck, bless her heart.  I soon discovered that mowing was not only the perfect opportunity for a little Zen time, but a glowing opportunity to drink profusely, chain-smoke, and listen to my iPod for a few hours while getting a tan. Life was good. She mowed her little heart out for the 4 years I lived at that house, and for the first year I lived at my new house, with a lot more acres and a lot rougher terrain.

Then, on September 18, 2010 the poor girl couldn’t keep up, and she lost her battle with inadequacy by blowing her engine block.

Fortunately it was nearing the end of the mowing season, so I borrowed my neighbors’ tractor for the final few cuts. It was a dark and lonely time.

Then, it was time for a big girl tractor. Yep, a brand spanking new John Deere X500 Multi Terrain with a 48″ deck! Fully automatic, no more gear shifting – she was the Cadillac of tractors, and she was all mine!

I love that tractor so much it is ridiculous/retarded.  I used to do some of my best drinking on that mower.  It has been a big adjustment in sobriety, but by sticking to either iced coffee or water, I’m noticing that my cut job is more badass than ever, not to mention the added bonus of walking straight and not needing a 4 hour “nap” after dismounting. It’s where I come up with some of my best ideas.

Sometimes I have to dismount and run into the house like a lunatic to write stuff down before it gets away from me.  Sometimes I slip and fall in a pile of fresh dog shit and my tube top falls down exposing half of a breast as I lay sprawled across my front lawn cursing my dog’s name very loudly.  Sometimes I then throw my shitty flip-flop at the dog, but then realize that was stupid because I now have to wash the dog unless I want shit caked all over my house.  Sometimes my kids yell at me for using bad words and then they try to use them themselves.  Sometimes I make Hot Sauce Popsicles For Disobedient Children.

Last season, cutting on a diagonal was really in, so was mowing in such a way that you could create striping by going the opposite way next to each previous row. Not to toot my own horn, but toot-toot, I can mow like a motherfucker. You could snap a chalk line on my work and it would be perfect every time.  Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly anal, I will re-mow the entire yard from the inside out in order to sweep off the grass.

I’ll let you in on a little secret, come close. Sometimes, I will use a bungee cord to hold up the grass sprayer thing which eliminates lines altogether. The slight downside to this method is that the grass really does spray everywhere. I find it beneficial to take 4 Claritin and 2 Benadryl prior to the mow. I have tried swim goggles, but then the neighbors think I’m drinking again. Upon completion, I must stop itching long enough to wash my hair 4 times in a row. I can never tell if it’s really clean, due to the fact that my eyes are swollen shut. It is typical to discover grass in strange places such as under my breasts and in my crack for 2 days after.

But this is a price I am willing to pay for my craft.


23 replies

  1. I am so goddamn jealous. My yard would look like a gardening advertisement if I had one of those. My not so secret yard fancy is for the power washer. Holy shit, do I love a good power washing session.

    • Dear Lord, we were separated at birth. Did you say powermotherfuckingwasher? No, you said power washer but I one upped you. There is nothing quite as glorious as powerwashing. I started doing my deck last year and wound up doing my house. Yes, my entire house. I also powerwashed my tractor, which made me orgasm.

  2. I started with that same craftsman – it was also awesome for hauling stuff from one side of the woods to another – firewood, rocks, small children – it could haul it all. Traded her in on a zero turn a couple of years ago – now I can mow the whole mess in 45 minutes. I tried diagonal lines, but the terrain is not conducive to straight lines, but I have done the inside out trick too.

  3. Everything about this post is great. I mean, mowing. Duh.

    One remark: you can’t use the word “anal” in a post about tractors, unless it is written along with the word “acrobat”.

    And so speaketh the Lord.

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