The Hairy Mess

Good lord I have been writing some depressing shit lately, everyone’s crying in the comment threads. Well, let’s lighten this mother fucker up a bit, shall we?

The other morning my kids were running around like lunatics and getting themselves dressed, and by getting themselves dressed I mean sliding down the stairs on a gigantic plastic yellow LEGO bag, while I grabbed a quick shower. After I had dried off, my almost five-year old walked up to me, looked straight ahead, then up to my face and said, “Mommy, what’s that hairy mess?”

Hairy mess. That is a direct quote.

Parents always debate nudity around your kids. Listen, they know they have penises and that I have a vagina, because they remind me of it about twenty-seven times a day when they’re taking a break from their own penises or poop talk or farting or playing “swords.”

Oh, what is swords you ask? Allow me to enlighten you.

One day I noticed they were sneaking off into the bathroom together, so I crept up to the door to listen and see what the hell they were up to. There was insane giggling, like the kind that’s contagious even if you don’t want to laugh, so I opened the door to see what was so frigging hilarious.

“We’re just playing swords mommy!”

They both stood over the toilet with their pants around their ankles, waving their penises to try to cross their streams of urine. There were sprays of piss everywhere; God forbid Brian Williams ever comes to my house with a black light. It makes me want to redo all of my bathrooms in subway tile with a solitary drain in the floor so that I can hose them down with bleach. The bathrooms, and the children.

Back to The Hairy Mess.

He has seen me naked about a million times and knows we’re different, but he doesn’t care. He thinks that boobies are hysterical, in a totally innocent way. He puts my bra on his head like a helmet and runs off cracking up yelling “Captain Boobies!” If laughing at that makes me a bad parent then I’m guilty as hell, because it’s extra hilarious that his head is a perfect D cup.

Who knows, maybe on that particular day he took notice because he had arrived at perfect eye level, or maybe it was because he wasn’t distracted by his brother or the dog or his own penis at the time.

Either way, I learned a very valuable lesson that day, and immediately scheduled an overdue bikini wax.

This is not "swords"

This is not “swords”

45 replies

  1. Yup. Total relavent, again. Haha. My four year old boy told me the other day that he was sorry that girls don’t have wieners because “that just doesn’t make any sense to pee like that.” He thinks the hairy mess just doesn’t make any sense. Too funny!

  2. Thank you so much Tracy for this overdue lighthearted post! Now I do not need to quickly replace those cartons of tissue.

    From the alarm of Mr. Little Horn-blower, it sounds like the appointment will take all day? (wink & grin)

  3. when my daughter was about 3, i was drying her and helping her get pajamas on, not thinking about the fact that i was in my underwear at the time. she saw the bulge in the front of my underwear, looked at me and asked, “did you poop?”

  4. “Don’t cross the streams!” – Dr. Egon Spengler
    In some other forum, I bet you would have conservatroid readers who would be appalled by all of the above. Naked parents! Gasp! But I just want to say, it’s all cool, baby. Teach our kids that there’s no shame in nudity or the odd hairy mess.

    • Listen, it’s not as if I do naked performances for them for god’s sake, nor do I parade around naked, but I certainly don’t hide to change or lock the door when I shower. It’s a body, no biggie.

  5. Ha ha. Yes, this is a lighter topic, but in a completely different way. Why don’t boys know that the pee goes IN to the water in the toilet, not to try draw pictures in the air with it?

  6. Tracy,

    Skip the wax, stay scruffy……in fact, scruffy is a better handle than hairy mess. Consider letting everything grow out – then your lads may become capable in the wild…..sorta like survival training. A few of tomorrow’s women will thank you (or be horrified when their razors go missing).


  7. When one of my daughters was in the tub with me around the same age as your son she asked if she could “wash that thing for me.” Enough said.

  8. Word choice is crucial here isn’t it; Hairy – no debate, Hairy Mess?!!! Well how very dare he?! That just elevated the adorable little chap to a whole new level of witty observation. Watch out Tracy you appear to have a son who may turn on you at any moment with the acerbic fashion commentary of Joan Rivers, whilst mid stream swording!

  9. This is so funny. I remember the days of my sons crossing urine paths, though they didn’t call it ‘swords.’ Luckily, they’ve never seen me naked. I guess I can always hold onto that one as I listen to their endless penis and poo talk…

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