Good lord I have been writing some depressing shit lately, everyone’s crying in the comment threads. Well, let’s lighten this mother fucker up a bit, shall we?
The other morning my kids were running around like lunatics and getting themselves dressed, and by getting themselves dressed I mean sliding down the stairs on a gigantic plastic yellow LEGO bag, while I grabbed a quick shower. After I had dried off, my almost five-year old walked up to me, looked straight ahead, then up to my face and said, “Mommy, what’s that hairy mess?”
Hairy mess. That is a direct quote.
Parents always debate nudity around your kids. Listen, they know they have penises and that I have a vagina, because they remind me of it about twenty-seven times a day when they’re taking a break from their own penises or poop talk or farting or playing “swords.”
Oh, what is swords you ask? Allow me to enlighten you.
One day I noticed they were sneaking off into the bathroom together, so I crept up to the door to listen and see what the hell they were up to. There was insane giggling, like the kind that’s contagious even if you don’t want to laugh, so I opened the door to see what was so frigging hilarious.
“We’re just playing swords mommy!”
They both stood over the toilet with their pants around their ankles, waving their penises to try to cross their streams of urine. There were sprays of piss everywhere; God forbid Brian Williams ever comes to my house with a black light. It makes me want to redo all of my bathrooms in subway tile with a solitary drain in the floor so that I can hose them down with bleach. The bathrooms, and the children.
Back to The Hairy Mess.
He has seen me naked about a million times and knows we’re different, but he doesn’t care. He thinks that boobies are hysterical, in a totally innocent way. He puts my bra on his head like a helmet and runs off cracking up yelling “Captain Boobies!” If laughing at that makes me a bad parent then I’m guilty as hell, because it’s extra hilarious that his head is a perfect D cup.
Who knows, maybe on that particular day he took notice because he had arrived at perfect eye level, or maybe it was because he wasn’t distracted by his brother or the dog or his own penis at the time.
Either way, I learned a very valuable lesson that day, and immediately scheduled an overdue bikini wax.
Categories: True Stories