WordPress does this daily prompts writing thing. Usually it comes in my email and I glance at it and forget it, just like I do with the ones that say “You are overdue for your gynecological checkup” or “It’s time for your oil change!” But this one was different. This one struck me and made me think, so here goes, it’s super cheery.
You’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe what’s in the room.
A thick, dense, black industrial-grade plastic bag is slammed over me and cinched tightly. Kidnapped, hijacked.
Dragged away, terror, fighting to get out, disoriented and panic-stricken. It is full of swirling, overwhelmingly heavy feelings. The air is sour and burns like pepper spray. I kick and scream and tear at the bag. Finally I am still. I rip it away, and I am tripping over things. The clanking glass tells me that it must be bottles, empty bottles, everywhere.
Tripping, stumbling, I can’t find uncluttered ground. It is fucking black in here, so black, and cold and clammy. I reach out for a light switch, but there are no walls, just a void. I’m sad, so sad I am shaking. I am naked and cold and exposed. I want to get out but there is no door, just endless clanking of glass and unsteady footsteps in an abyss as thick and dark as motor oil.
I squint and strain and will my eyes to make out any shape. I cannot. I can’t breathe. Feelings, all of them brush against me, push at me, smother me like powdery black ghosts.
There is no seeing, only feeling.
I struggle to make sense of it, to find a way out. I scream, and an unseen monster slides down my throat. It tastes like metal and it is in me.
Pure hot panic consumes me, I can’t breathe, I’m suffocating. I fall to the ground, and am covered by a sandy mass. It’s weight holds me down, yet it is comforting in a strange way. Something strokes my hair, and I feel myself being lifted. It feels as if I am moving underwater, everything is muffled and slow.
I feel the bottles lazily floating around, and the darkness goes right through me. I am now part of it. No longer flesh and bone, just weight and energy. I surrender to it and sink down to the bottom.
I feel something in the bottom, my mass returns and my fingers grab at it and pull. Very suddenly I am swirling, rising, as if magnetized to an unbeknownst host. I am gasping, sputtering for air. I am heavy again, on the ground, everything has been drained, and there is only light, sweet, warm light.
and the fear is…..?
Categories: Addiction, Recovery & Deep Thoughts