1. Before any pickle is made, it comes to my house where I inject the bumps onto it and then send them off to the pickling factory.
2. I invented the Marmoset, with my friend God.
3. Every time I make a wish on a rainbow, a leprechaun appears and tells me to go fuck myself.
4. When I was little, I had a beach towel with Chachi on it. I used to lay on it and make out with him, and by little I mean last Tuesday.
5. If you mix glue, baby powder, heavy whipping cream, dirt and peanut butter in a crock pot, you will have a huge fucking mess.
6. I once gave birth to Donna Summer, and she told me to Dim All The Lights because I was Hot Stuff.
7. I like to put ketchup all over my tires and tell my children that I ran over the puppy. Then they cry and I laugh because it’s so funny to watch their little tears.
8. I once climbed to the top of Kilimanjaro, and by Kilimanjaro I mean my stairs, for a nap.
9. I like to dress up in a ball gown with a hoop skirt and go opera caroling to my neighbors, at 5:17am every other Sunday. They like to high five me, in my face.
10. I am not a member of Oprah’s book club.