I really like Thanksgiving, but I have one big problem with it.
It is a cheeseless holiday.
Now before you go and get all defensive about those stupid little cheese cubes and shit you nibble on as appetizers, that does not count.
Turkey, check. Mashed Potatoes, check. Stuffing (or dressing), check. Gravy, check. Cranberries, check. Some green bean casserole shit, check. Corn, check. Rolls, check. Cheese…nope, I’m sorry, this particular pilgrimage discriminates against the cheese. Cheese is not welcome. It has no place here. We are not thankful for you, dairy product. Go back to your pizzas and chimichangas, we will not mix with the likes of you. Were the Pilgrims and Indians lactose intolerant?
Well, in the name of cheeses everywhere, I urge you to stand up this Thanksgiving and say “Fuck that Shit!”
I’m going to mix shit up this year at the Thanksgiving table. Hells to the motherfucking yes y’alls. I’m bringing my own cornucopia filled with blocks of different cheeses in place of the green bean casserole nobody fucking likes anyway. The same way a waiter walks around and asks if you’d like fresh cracked pepper on your food, I shall walk around the table with a cheese grater and cover the loaded plates in a cozy blanket of cheddar. Once I have made my way around the table, I will extract my blowtorch from my holster and creme brulee the fuck out of those plates, creating a bubbling oozing melty layer of cheddarmagic, hence administering the smackdown on Thanksgiving.
In the name of all that is right and good in the world, I urge you to take a stand and do the same this Thanksgiving.