were the pilgrims lactose intolerant?

I really like Thanksgiving, but I have one big problem with it.

It is a cheeseless holiday.

Now before you go and get all defensive about those stupid little cheese cubes and shit you nibble on as appetizers, that does not count.

Turkey, check. Mashed Potatoes, check. Stuffing (or dressing), check. Gravy, check. Cranberries, check. Some green bean casserole shit, check. Corn, check. Rolls, check. Cheese…nope, I’m sorry, this particular pilgrimage discriminates against the cheese. Cheese is not welcome. It has no place here. We are not thankful for you, dairy product. Go back to your pizzas and chimichangas, we will not mix with the likes of you. Were the Pilgrims and Indians lactose intolerant?

Well, in the name of cheeses everywhere, I urge you to stand up this Thanksgiving and say “Fuck that Shit!”

I’m going to mix shit up this year at the Thanksgiving table. Hells to the motherfucking yes y’alls. I’m bringing my own cornucopia filled with blocks of different cheeses in place of the green bean casserole nobody fucking likes anyway. The same way a waiter walks around and asks if you’d like fresh cracked pepper on your food, I shall walk around the table with a cheese grater and cover the loaded plates in a cozy blanket of cheddar. Once I have made my way around the table, I will extract my blowtorch from my holster and creme brulee the fuck out of those plates, creating a bubbling oozing melty layer of cheddarmagic, hence administering the smackdown on Thanksgiving.

In the name of all that is right and good in the world, I urge you to take a stand and do the same this Thanksgiving.

38 replies

  1. Here in Canada (at least in my family – who knows/cares what everybody else does… no offense) on Thanksgiving we like to have cheese sauce with our veggies (usually broccoli – some people insist on eating those retarded little cabbages brussel sprouts – bleh… but I am thankful because cheese sauce makes everything better and hides a multitude of culinary sins)

  2. The power of cheeese! In honor of this post, I will stuff my turkey with cheese whiz. What a surprise that will be!

    You must see my Thanksgiving post tomorrow while hiding from relatives. It mentions smallpox infected blankets and the Peanuts special and should surely help your appetite.

  3. My family and I have never done the traditional. Our tradition is nontraditional. I’m going to see if I can throw in more cheese just in your honor.

  4. This is an interesting issue. You know there are always leftovers of everything you serve at Thanksgiving. And you know you can’t eat leftovers without smothering them in cheese first. So would some sort of balance be upset if you put cheese on the Thanksgiving food the first time around? Hmm…

  5. I never thought of that before – but you’re right…However, if you ‘go Italian’ you can have some pre-turkey cheese ravioli. If there’s one thing my family has taught me it is that there is not a holiday dinner in existance that cannot be preempted with Italian food.

  6. Please share more cheesy skeletons from your closet when you respond to my nomination of you for a Liebster Award. Check my latest post for all the details. Of course, you are not mandated by federal law to comply with the guidelines.

  7. It’s not so great for digestion but cheese rocks! As always, this post was enlightening, well-written and just plain fun!

    I’ll support any rebellious action you’re planning against the Thanksgiving status quo, Tracy – or any act of sedition you have in mind, for that mayter!

  8. As alway, late to the party, but I come bearing gifts. Front and center on our Thanksgiving table: “Cheesy” Potatoes. Definitely not for the lactose intolerant – made with O’Brien Potatoes, cream of celery (1 can – supposed to be cream of chicken, but I’m vegetarian), sour cream (1c), and tons of cheddar cheese (it’s only supposed to be a cup, but puh-leese!). A bit of pepper, bake it at 350 until it’s all bubbly and brown on top. Nobody doesn’t like them. http://bluelyon.smugmug.com/Family/Family/i-79Mzmwc/0/L/2012_11_22_002-L.jpg

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