What does it say about my blog that over 200 viewers hit my site, every day, without fail, by using the Google search term “masturbation techniques?”
I’ll tell you what it says, it says that I’m Awesome™.
Just see for yourself, my stats for the past few days:
|xena warrior princess||7|
|really bad tattoos||6|
|dried apricots gas||6|
That’s right, Awesome™. I’ve trademarked it, therefore I own it. You must pay me royalties if you would like to use it. I’ve learned my lesson since Steve Jobs stole the whole Apple thing from me back before I invented the internet. Le Clown already owns Magnificent™ for God’s sake.
Now seriously, that’s a lot of people, every day, trying to find new and exciting ways to get off. People are nutty, I mean really, who the fuck made up all those sexual shenanigans such as Rusty Trombone, Dirty Sanchez, Philadelphia Steamer and Blumpkin. Who does those things? Who? Do you? Why? Eww. But the names are hilarious and Awesome™, without a doubt. Equally as amusing are all the poop tricks that the college dorks love so much, such as Mexican Waffle, Upper Decker, Hot Pocket and Trunk Muffin. That shit is funny, literally. I’ve seen the result of guys laying down upper deckers in my heyday, and watching unsuspecting girls coming out of the bathroom, eyes like a fucking Kinkajou, faces wrought with mortification. It was Awesome™. I may have to lay a few myself this holiday season, and blame it on my brother. Merry Christmas!
My cousin and I had an Awesome™ idea to make a bathroom potpourri air freshener thingy, photocopy a real label and paste it on, but instead of an air freshener it’s an air horn. We would call it Pooppurri™. Right after Aunt Marge drops her post Thanksgiving dinner load, instead of inconspicuously covering up her gag-inducing scent, she would alert the entire family that she had just in fact taken a ginormous poop. Hooray! Best idea. Ever.
Now, go clear your browser history since you clicked all those links, because if you suddenly died and someone checked your computer it would not be Awesome™.
*How Awesome™ are my tags on this post. I really class up WordPress.