What does it say about my blog that over 200 viewers hit my site, every day, without fail, by using the Google search term “masturbation techniques?”

I’ll tell you what it says, it says that I’m Awesome™.

Just see for yourself, my stats for the past few days:

masturbation techniques 793
masterbation techniques 64
masturbation technique 50
masturbating techniques 45
creative masturbation 24
bikini wax 22
bad tattoos 21
masturbation ideas 17
masturbation tecniques 16
masturbate techniques 10
forever lazy 9
xena warrior princess 7
really bad tattoos 6
masturbation techinques 6
nudist 6
dried apricots gas 6
masturbation tehniques 5
masterbation ideas 5
masturbation technics 5

That’s right, Awesome™. I’ve trademarked it, therefore I own it. You must pay me royalties if you would like to use it. I’ve learned my lesson since Steve Jobs stole the whole Apple thing from me back before I invented the internet. Le Clown already owns Magnificent™ for God’s sake.

Now seriously, that’s a lot of people, every day, trying to find new and exciting ways to get off. People are nutty, I mean really, who the fuck made up all those sexual shenanigans such as Rusty Trombone, Dirty Sanchez, Philadelphia Steamer and Blumpkin. Who does those things? Who? Do you? Why? Eww. But the names are hilarious and Awesome™, without a doubt. Equally as amusing are all the poop tricks that the college dorks love so much, such as Mexican Waffle, Upper Decker, Hot Pocket and Trunk Muffin. That shit is funny, literally. I’ve seen the result of guys laying down upper deckers in my heyday, and watching unsuspecting girls coming out of the bathroom, eyes like a fucking Kinkajou, faces wrought with mortification. It was Awesome™. I may have to lay a few myself this holiday season, and blame it on my brother. Merry Christmas!

My cousin and I had an Awesome™ idea to make a bathroom potpourri air freshener thingy, photocopy a real label and paste it on, but instead of an air freshener it’s an air horn. We would call it Pooppurri™. Right after Aunt Marge drops her post Thanksgiving dinner load, instead of inconspicuously covering up her gag-inducing scent, she would alert the entire family that she had just in fact taken a ginormous poop. Hooray! Best idea. Ever.

Now, go clear your browser history since you clicked all those links, because if you suddenly died and someone checked your computer it would not be Awesome™.

*How Awesome™ are my tags on this post. I really class up WordPress.

44 replies

  1. Shit, I should have TM’d awesome, I’m going to owe you a fucking fortune.
    I love all the creative spellings of masturbation techniques – but I suppose it is a lot harder to type with one hand.
    I thought I was clued up on all things sex, but it seems I still have a lot to learn. Thanks for giving me an education. This should totally be a requirement for sex education classes.
    Oh and I would totally buy the air horn Pooppourri – love it.

  2. Every time I read one of your blog posts, I go back to that day where you told Le Clown that he made your day as [insert the term here] as Monistat on a yeast infection. That was more than your trademarked term. (I do not have 5 dollars to give you–I’m poor-ish)

  3. It wouldn’t surprise me that one those looking for new techniques is a friend of mine. I would to use the Pooppurri™ at work, cuz there’s a rule in here, the only one, nobody shits in the office, if you we get to print you pic and put it on the board.

  4. I support you, but I think that “Book of Awesome” weasel is going to have something to say about this…

    And you are the hottest thing on WordPress, hands down!

  5. that is orsum – my apologies for the sneaky use of letters, but i only have £s – and i had no idea that was what dirty sanchez is; we have a welsh equivalent of jackass over here who are called dirty sanchez…..they’ve never performed their namesake though…at least not on camera

Your thoughts, experiences and opinions here...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s