Halloween, what a fucking weird ass holiday. Why not make it a full-on day to un-teach our children everything we’ve taught them.

The day would go something like this:

Wake up, have a big bowl of candy for breakfast, don’t brush, wash it down with a Coke. Have a quick demonstration on how to make and shoot proper spit balls. Make it clear they are not allowed to flush a toilet or put a seat down all day. Have them throw their homework in the trash and head off to school. Do not wear seat belts, have the children stand on the back seat with their heads out of the sunroof while giving middle fingers to the passing cars.

When you drop them off, tell them to burp and fart as much as possible all day. Teach them to say “whateves bitch” to their teachers and encourage the use of profanity. Tell them to have a nice nap on their desks while the teacher is talking. Remind them to use their new spit-balling skills in the cafeteria for lunch. And don’t forget, extra points for bullying! Tell him or her if they can bring another child to tears that they will be allowed to stay up all night playing Xbox.

When you return to pick them up from school, have them hang out the windows, unbuckled, while using any curse words they know of. Hand out candies to them for the really bad ones. Once home, have them spit on their homework and throw it in the trash. Encourage them to pick their noses, bonus points for eating it. Feed them more candy and soda and let them play Wii for hours. Allow them to beat each other freely. Perhaps teach them how to smoke or drink whiskey. Make sure there is a lot of name-calling going on and fully encourage back-talk.

Now that it’s nice and dark, let’s dress you up in a costume, and in the spirit of all things dead, send you out to knock on the doors of strangers for candy. The price of this candy will be enduring the skeletons, vampires, spider webs, tombstones, ghosts and bloody scary shit that will jump out at you and make you shit your pants and give you horrible nightmares for the next two weeks.

Happy Halloween! Trick or Treat!

31 replies

  1. Tracy,
    You mean, these are not taught all year long? What type of irresponsible parents do you have as a readership?
    Le Clown

  2. I hate Halloween. Now, I get to have it twice. Nov. 5th is now Halloween in Jersey. Another thing to be grateful to Sandy for (and Chris Christie), LOL!

  3. You just accurately described the school day I experienced on Oct. 31. My solution was to bring out the fire hose, that calmed the kiddies right down. By the way, found your blog through Le Clown, the most famous Le Clown in Le World.

    • Welcome! I found YOU a while ago through Le Clown’s World as well. He’s just a real conduit, that fucktard. Glad your Halloween was ridiculous as well. I like the fire hose idea, have to remember that one.

  4. Going to strangers’ homes? Check. Begging them for candy? Absolutely. Wearing ridiculous costumes made of gauze, where you pretend not to be cold? Mmmhmm. Is it all worth it because I get to steal their Skittles and Almond Joys? Um, yeah, it is. Plus, we say “thank you” to the strangers, so it is sort of like we’re using manners. And this year–as an added bonus–I got to see the political affiliation of almost all of our neighbors!

  5. Skipping right over Le Clown’s comment above and ignoring that this is a reblog.

    My 4 year old told me last night “Halloween is about weirdos giving kids the creeps. I don’t need anymore candy.” Shock. Dismay. Wait for it … hmmm … he has a point. OK, kid. You don’t have to go trick-or-treating, you can just wear the $20 costume that I bought you around the house and we’ll call it done.

  6. I had a client today comment on the fact that people spend all year telling their kids not to talk to strangers and not take food from strangers, only to encourage them to do so on this one weird day of the year.

  7. Scruffy,
    Aside from the bullying and computer games, a lot of what you wrote brought back fond childhood memories.

    I say trot this fucker out every Halloween, you nailed it the first time. It’s too late for me to blend in to polite society, but you may be able to reach someone else before they or their loved one’s errant behaviors stick. Should you need to bring out the big guns just point to my latest shithouse zombie megalomaniacal weirdo post as a caution for freewheeling bastardliness, but only for those who are otherwise lost, most people don’t need to peer down that dark a hole before backing away from the abyss.

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