As many of you may or may not realize, I have been recycling some of my older posts this past week. I am knee deep in boxes with my impending move this weekend, and have had no time whatsoever to write. I figured I’d post some of my favorite stuff during the interim.
I used to buy Earth’s Best Baby Food in the jars, because it made me feel like a better parent.
This organic slurry was rather expensive, and the grocery stores closest to me didn’t carry much of a selection. I was shopping/people watching in the Shrewsbury Pennsylvania Wal-Mart one day, when I stumbled upon a surprising gold mine. There was an entire row of Earth’s Best baby food and snacks and stuff, and it was way cheaper than the regular grocery store. Of course I was just carrying a stupid little basket so that people would think I was really shopping.
I find that I can use the Shrewsbury Wal-Mart as a pretty dependable substitute for antidepressants. Sometimes I really like to get into character and ride around in one of those motorized scooters with a basket on front. I fill it with exercise equipment and jump ropes and high heels and watch people give me disgusted looks as I cruise by. It’s a real mood lifter, I suggest you try it for yourself sometime.
Anyway, back to the baby food. I return to the front of the store and exchange my basket for a cart, then run-ride-run-ride all the way back to my prized baby food aisle. The baby food is packaged about 20 jars on a flat cardboard box, each delicious mouth-watering flavor next to the other. I over-enthusiastically begin filling my cart, and there are jars rolling around everywhere and I can’t take it. So, brilliantly, I decide to just take the 20 jar flats and then mix and match my flavors, returning the ones I don’t want to the shelf mixed and matched on another flat, saving some time for another very fortunate mother. See, I’m always thinking about others.
I now have 6 flats of baby food stacked neatly in my cart. I decide to throw in some Earth’s Best teething cookies and a teething ring because I’ve noticed my little guy is drooling more than Leonard in Awakenings off of his Dopamine. I then proceed to run-ride-run-ride to the only checkout line that sells cigarettes. Now I may have led you to believe that the only reasons I cross the line from Maryland into Pennsylvania to shop here is for the fascinating sociological study, and the mood-enhancing effects that it delivers, without fail. But the benefits are not only spiritual and emotional, as you may think, they are also monetary. Not only is baby food cheaper here, so are the smokes. See, winner winner chicken dinner.
I begin the arduous task of balancing my flats of jars onto the conveyor belt of the checkout line, when I glanced ahead at my checker. I was overcome with a physical, jarring shock and jumped back as if I had just been hit with a cattle-prod. There stood a woman/troll with long, frizzy burned-out hair that was 4″ gray roots that cascaded down into a faded, yellow sea of stringy split ends just below her breasts/waistline. She stood about 5’2, and had a face almost identical to Ross Perot. She looked about 80, but was most likely a really hard 50. I took a deep breath and buckled in for the ride.
She/it began ringing up my jars and the conversation went something like this:
Troll: Hey Hon, how you dune today?
Me: I’m well thanks, you?
Troll: Jesus Christ, what’s all this baby food for?
Me: My baby.
Troll: I don’t understand all this stuff, you know? Like last week, I was babysitting my little grandson, my boy’s son, and his wife got all pissed at me because I had taken him out and bought him a strawberry milkshake at The Mack-Donald’s. What the hell is the problem with that? It was like 90 degrees in the car I was just trying to keep him cool!
Me: How old is your grandson?
Troll: He’s 8 months! Can you believe that?!
Me: Well, some mothers are concerned with milk allergies and try to hold off until after their first birthday.
Troll: Then she got all pissy with me again after I fed him a real nice breakfast of eggs and bacon!
Me: That’s another allergy concern, eggs. That was probably why.
Troll: Humph. Bunch a baloney if you ask me.
Me: How many kids do you have?
Troll: I got 7, all boys. What the hell are these things!?
Me: They’re teething biscuits, my little guy is drooling more than Leonard in Awakenings off his Dopamine.
Me: My son is teething really bad.
Troll: Teething Biscuits, huh? Well I’ll tell you what, you ought to save yourself some money! I let all seven a’ my boys cut their teeth on pork chop bones, and ain’t had a problem or an allergy with none of ’em, all their teeth come up just fine!
Me: Excuse me, did you say pork chop bones?
And right there, that shit beats an SSRI any day.
Categories: True Stories