I am not twitterate.

I admit it, I have not a clue what the fuck to do with twitter.

I am not twitterate.  I’m more of a twidiot or twittard.

People follow me on twitter, I have no idea what that means, other than when I write a blog it shoots out onto their feed.  I only did it because it was an option when I set up the blog.  So ERIC let me know what a selfish fuck I was to have a whopping 29 followers and to only be following 3.  It’s ignorance not selfishness you asshole, btw.

So I guess I’m supposed to follow people, and write  or “tweet” stuff, right?  Is it just short random quips like “I’m at the grocery store!” or “Ryan Gosling has the hottest body on the face of the earth”?  Is it just an abbreviated Facebook?  Does it then go out to everyone who follows me?  I thought twitter was only for famous people and horny teenagers.

Maybe I am famous because I do have TWENTY NINE followers, well I don’t want to disappoint, so I need some help.

What the fuck is a hashtag?  All I know is that it is this: #  even that could be wrong.  I feel really old and uncool.  Like when my Dad couldn’t figure out The Internet and would send me EMAILS addressed like this: http://www.tracyfulks@email.com

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

Please school me peeps, I need to be one of the cool kids, I want to tweet and twitter and hashtag the fuck out of my 29 followers.


31 replies

  1. I find that the line between Facebook and Twitter is blurred a bit, but it’s easier to celebri-stalk on Twitter 🙂 If you post all day on Facebook, people want to kill you. On Twitter, it’s actually encouraged. And wit helps – as does being a hot blonde. Therefore, you should have 3,000 followers in no time. As a 40 year old dude, I have 100 followers. And that’s about where I’ll likely stay until the internet explodes.

    For useless followers, tweet “Bieber” and “Weight Loss” and “Battlestar Galactica” and you’ll get “bots” (automated Twitter accounts) that will automatically follow you. I love bots. Sometimes I tweet just to attract a good bot (I once got a “cake” bot! WTF is that?)

    As a blogger, you should find other bloggers that are similar to you, and follow them. Retweet their hilarity (“RT” them) and try to get them to return the favor. If you can get a celebrity to retweet you, it can mean a landslide of new followers, and then you can assault a whole new crowd of people!

    To get the most exposure, you can’t have a private account. Private accounts are only visible to their followers, and you don’t have any yet. So stay public.

    In short: do you want followers? Yes. So tweet a lot, follow a ton of people, RT others, post links to cool shit, and don’t have a private account. You might just get a book deal out of it…

  2. I have a twitter account, but it’s not linked to my blog or anything in my real life because it’s vile and deviant and I would be mortified if people I actually KNOW read it. It may be time to delete that one and start a new, Best-Life-er one. But deleting it seems like a waste of 988 followers.
    I can’t quite figure Twitter out, either. Especially how it relates to blogging. I’ll be checking back to see what people tell you!

  3. Also, hashtags are my favorite part of a tweet. The allow other people to search for things that interest them, like #BlondeBloggersThatDropFBombs (ha!) You can use them straight up: “I like to eat bacon #breakfast”, but that’s boring. I prefer to use them like this: “I had a bad day #PeopleSuck #YesAllofThem #YouHeardMe”. In fact, the more nuts the hashtag, the funnier it is, and that’s the best kind. Just leave punctuation out of them – it breaks.

  4. Well, now you have 30 followers, cause I just followed you. But to be really awesome, you have to follow me back. Not really. But you should anyway.

    I’ve been on Twitter a couple of years now and I have around 750 followers, but that’s not because of anything special that I did, it’s mostly by accident. I just found people I liked and started following them and then they followed me back and stuff.

    I look for people who want to chat with me about stuff that interests me, and not just people who want to tell me what they think or hype their own blog/book/rock band/sexual prowess/whatever.

    LinkedIn is like a work function, Facebook is a family gathering, Twitter is hootenanny, or maybe I mean bacchanalia. You can go there and find lots of conversations going on, in real time, at any point in your day, join in, listen in, stalk quietly, and just leave whenever you’re done.

    But just like a soap opera plot, it will still be going on, basically the same exact way, even if you don’t come back for a month. But you should go there every day, several times a day, cause you didn’t have enough ways to waste time before.

  5. So that’s what the hashtag is, huh. I have no idea about Twitter. I just send the tweets to my blog out there and have no idea what happens to them. And I just now figured out bloggy people were on facebook, so I’m more ignorant than you are.

  6. Am I the only one who gets horny when I hear people talking about twitter? I think I used to call something else twittering so I think its like a Pavlovian response, but it could just mean I need more action.

  7. Clearly, you are in good company. I have not awakened to the glories of twitter either. I think that I have two followers. I vaguely understand the recommendations for pumping things up over there, but so far it is too labor intensive to add to my daily cyber-duties. Why do they call it a “hashtag” instead of a “tictactoe board?” Hash is illegal.

  8. Don’t worry, Tracy. All you have to do is messageword your digithoughts to all your friendtacts and you’ll easily succeed in etherspace.

    Twitter is like text messages that the whole world can see. That might sound weird, but if you watch what other people do on Twitter or what people who have temporarily lost a great deal of self-control do with cell phones, you will get the hang of it in no time.

  9. this is giving me anxiety. i feel like i could never tweet with all the other shit i’m trying to do like blog and update my facebook and oh yeah, be a girlfriend and a mother and stuff. oh, and work. i put hashtags on my facebook updates sometimes just to bug my teenaged children.

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