Dear Crazy People Who Read My Blog,
I’m overdue for a post, I know, I am the suckiest suck in all the land.
As a self-deprecating recovering alcoholic, I often wear a very tight tee-shirt emblazoned with a bulls-eye, the fabric of which is woven from a magical blend of inappropriate humor, poor choices, filter-less living, empirical wit, and irreverent sarcasm typically resulting in the warm joy of tears running down your legs.
But listen, I don’t want to just throw shit up here for the sake of throwing up shit. Ew, that sounded gross, like you would eat shit and throw it up in the first place, but I guess if you did eat shit you would throw it up so whateves.
So tomorrow morning as I kick my feet up on my leather ottoman and take my first sip of freshly pressed dark roasted coffee, I will experience a deep gratitude akin to that of a distended bellied, third-world watery-eyed child who has just gotten his monthly bowl of rice. Then I will post something to make you spit your beverage through your nose onto your monitor. Pinky swear.
I hope you get laid awesomely tonight, even if you have to do it yourself.