Cheddar: I mix well with others and am considered by many to be a staple. If given the opportunity to lay either inside or on top of burritos or quesidillas, I am guaranteed to brighten your day. If you bake me at 350 until bubbling, I rock the shit out of a casserole top. Really, there’s nothing I can’t do.
Feta: Traditionally I like to be wrapped in Phylo dough with my old pal spinach. I toss-up fabulously in mixed greens, and can really add a special something to your boring old pasta salad. If you mix me with mint and watermelon, guaranteed I will blow your fucking mind.
Gorgonzola: Many consider me an elitist, but this is an unjust stereotype. Just because I have a strong aroma (not “stink” haters) does not mean that I cannot get the job done. Sprinkle me atop a steak or mix me with apples in a salad. Mash me in potatoes and watch your dinner party get wild. I can be your secret weapon.
Manchego: I am sexy, the sexiest cheese alive. Just say my name, Man-chay-go, are you aroused? Told you. Put me on a thinly sliced crisp pear wrapped in prosciutto. Serve me casually paired with fresh rustic bread and a Pinot Noir and somebody’s getting laid.
American: I know what you’re thinking, american shmamerican. But you know what, everyone loves me. I am the definition of versatile. I am comforting. Grilled between bread, melted perfectly into your macaroni. I’m not fancy like those other cheeses, true, but I am excellent with kids and I can sure finger bang some scrambled eggs. I get the job done. Every time.
Provolone: I’m a sandwich guy. Italian cold cut is my specialty. I melt up real nice on a steak sandwich or meatball sub. I don’t do salads.
Mozzarella: What can I say, pizza pizza pizza. lasagna, ziti, you give me anything Italian and I’ll make it better. If I’m fresh, slice me on tomatoes with fresh basil and balsamic vinegar and the crowd goes wild. I’m a safe bet every time. Don’t let cheddar fool you, I can do that 350 till bubbling trick too.
Swiss: I’m kind of boring, on a platter with cheddar in cubes next to rolled meats and toothpicks. I don’t do much, but what I do cannot be replicated. One of them is when I lay on a hot pastrami with mustard on rye. No one else can do that but me. The other. One word. Fondue. MmmmmHmmmm. Suck it.
Brie: I am the piece de resistance. You can’t have a party without me, grapes, and Carr’s water crackers. Period. Want to know where I really shine? Bake me. Yep. Wrap me in dough, brush me with apricot preserves and slivered almonds, throw me in the oven and watch the women gain weight by the mouthful. I am the best in triple cream form, and I am also pretty sexy Mister Manchego.
Gouda: I am one of a kind baby. Still going strong since the 70’s. No one else has my beautiful shiny red wax casing. Slice into my round figure, show off my inside and lay a cheese knife next to me on the board with some crackers and I’ll never disappoint.
Toe: I am never eaten, except by accident, by drunk men with foot fetishes.