OK ladies, fess up…when was the last time (if ever) you’ve had a bra fitting?  I’m talking a real one, from another qualified human being who works in a lingerie department?  And not Vicky’s Secret, because I’ll let you in on a little secret, come close.

They suck.

Mine had been about 4 years, which was only months after I had my second child.  I’ve been walking around in a 40D ever since.  So, now, many pounds less, all my bra’s are on the tightest hook and stretched beyond belief.  They fit when I stand up, but when I sit I could hold a Diet Coke in the cup.  My poor girls, they are just not what they used to be.

So I decided it was time, I have recently dropped another 20lbs (whoot whoot) and I was going lingerie shopping.

I walked into Nordstrom and Rachelle, my Lingerie Guardian Angel appeared and asked if she could help me.  I told her what I just told you about the Diet Coke Can and she laughed hysterically.  She escorted me into the fitting room and got to work with her trusty tape measure.

“Alright!” She said, “looks like you’re a perfect 36DDD!”

What.  The.  Fuck.

I seriously pulled an Elaine, pushed her and said get the fuck out of here!

She cracked up again, and told me she would be back in a minute with a variety for me to try.  I patiently sat half-naked and played Words With Friends while I waited.

She returned with about 8 bras, with matching underwear of course, that I would have NEVER picked for myself.  She put the first one on me and instructed me to “scoop and swoop”.  It was amazing.  It felt like two soft hands cupping me in perfect comfort and support.

Seriously?  36 TRIPLE D?  How is that possible?  Make me understand, please?

She proceeded to explain that the number specifies inches around (which I knew) and that the cup does not denote how far the cup pops out as much as it does how wide the cup is.  She told me I had nice full breasts, that’s all.  I asked if she wanted to buy me a drink.  She laughed loud enough to lose her job.

I start perusing the goods she’s brought me, each bra more lovely than the next.  And matching panties!  How fun!  Being a Mother of two young boys, my nice underwear are considered the ones without period stains and elastic in both legs (sorry guys, but every woman who reads this has them).  And for bra’s, there’s beige and black, and they are there to do a job, not look pretty.

Then I noticed the tag on the panties that read medium.  I called Rachelle back and told her how sweet she was to bring me a medium.  “Rachelle, If I were to wear a 36DDD bra, and a medium panty, I would be on a pole my dear.”

Again, explosive laughter startling the other patrons as she high-fived me.  Gurllll, you is a TRIP!  I told her she had no idea, and that I was in love with her.  We were having our own retard party right there in the Nordstrom dressing room.  She composed herself to go fetch me the large that my ass demands.  You don’t get one without the other…not naturally.  Did I mention mine are real?  You’re welcome.  So yes, I have a matching ass.  I’m almost 6′ tall so large makes me happy not sad.  From a 40D/xl to a 36DDD/Large…I was having a fucking great day.

If those were 2-way mirrors in there, whoever sat behind them was eating a box of popcorn having a knee-slapping good old time for sure.  Nordstrom has those 3 angled full-length mirrors that enable to see your ass from different angles.  It would be much better if they gave you a “candlelight” option in there.  So you stick out your ass and suck in your stomach, look to the side and try to do your best stripper impersonation.  There is a certain angle that we should never be allowed to see.  You know, the one that instills the sort of self-loathing that makes you not want to eat for a week and order anti-cellulite cremes and exercise equipment on late night infomercials?  That’s the one.

Rachelle knocks and asks how I’m doing.  I tell her she can come in, I need an opinion on this purple demi-cup set.  She enters and I start doing my best Ray Lewis dance impersonation, asking if this was a good set for Ravens season?  Rachelle lost her shit right there.  I mean, like completely lost her shit.  She was like full-on snort laughing with tears running down her face.  She was doing wonders for my ego, not only was I “full breasted” and “super sexy” and “going to make someone a happy man”, but Dressing Room #4 had turned into the hottest comedy club in Baltimore.

About 10 minutes later, once I stopped my one man private performance, Rachelle collected all of the pieces that I had liked and told me she would meet me at the register.  At this point, I was having so much fun I was slightly delusional.  I got dressed and met her back out in the store, we laughed when we saw each other, like old pals who shared a dirty secret.

I made a few more jokes about pubic hair and masturbation while she swiped my card.  Through my tears of laughter I leaned over to sign the receipt.

My tears were not tears of laughter anymore.

Rachelle!  What the fuck are you doing to me!?

“Miss Tracy” she said (not knowing if she called me Miss because it was a job requirement or because she was black, or because I was older) “You deserve this, you are a beautiful sexy woman and you owe it to yourself to feel that way.”

Hook line and sinker baby.  I took that $340 bait and ran with it.

So what, I thought to myself, I do deserve it.  I haven’t had a good lingerie splurge since I pushed two children out of my vagina and ruined my pelvic floor.  I’m more than just a Mom packing lunches, coaching sports, organizing play-dates and cleaning endless amounts of piss off of my toilet seats god damn it.

I am a sexy, full breasted woman who does deserve more.

At least according to Rachelle.

45 replies

  1. Seriously fucking funny! And I’m REALLY jealous of your DDD’s – mine are barely B’s. 😦 Literally. Sometimes I’ve even gotten those “almost B-cup” bras.

    • Please, don’t be jealous my friend. I am envious of your B’s, those nice little boobies you can put into a sundress without looking like a prostitute. The kind that don’t put a kink in your neck for days when you wear a halter top. The kind that don’t turn into armrests without the help of a $60 bra.

  2. Ha! I have found that investing in the under clothing makes you feel oh so good and just makes everything else fit oh so nice:) Embrace it and Enjoy your body – you deserve it after all your hard work! Have a Great Week:)

  3. LOVE. I’ve gotta go see Rachelle! If she tells me I am a 36 DD Long…I’m not going to that amusing. Great piece!

  4. Tracy , Great piece. I’m a B, but totally understand your situation. Had the same experience at Victoria Secrets several months ago when I too was on the same journey: to get my girls feeling and looking pretty. Victoria Secrets hasn’t steered me wrong, sorry you had a bad experience with them, but glad Rachelle at Nordstrom’s helped you out. It’s truly amazing how a proper fitting bra can make you and your girls feel sexy, pretty, and good all over. I too was shell shocked when I went in thinking and convinced I was one size, then when my “Rachelle” fitted me in a ‘Holy Crap this feels wonderful size’ it’s like the gates of heaven opened up and shined down on me as I stood there cupping my own breasts saying “No, freaking way! How did this happen!” She too was laughing and said to me “does it make you want to dance?” I returned the laugh and the fun began. She also shared with me that it’s recommended that you get fitted every 6 months especially if you are exercising or changing your diet around of any kind. It is a little expensive to keep the girl looking good, but I have decided I’m worth it and deserve it.

    • It is quite amazing, isn’t it? I am telling anyone that will listen (including the checker at the grocery store) that they should go get a fitting. Make it fun!

  5. I have had one fitting….ever. And I walked out with the wrong cup size b/c I was too nervous to tell her she was wrong. I now have the business card of someone who does fittings exclusively and will try her when I am finally ready to turn the feed-bags back into fun-bags……

    • Do it! Don’t wait, you can still wear your feed-bag bras (I will) but fun-bag bra’s really make all the difference. And don’t be nervous, they’re your tits and it’s her job girlfriend!

  6. Those idiots at Victoria’s Secret don’t know anything bigger than a D, and if they don’t carry your size, they just say your a 34 C. They told me that lie for years until I finally got a real fitting at Nordstrom. Turns out I’m a 32DD (all real baby!!) the moment I slid into a bra that actually fit I wondered “where have you been all my life?!?” Nordstrom doesn’t sell cheap bras, but they are worth every penny!

    • That is so true, Victoria’s is all about moving their (limited) in-stock merchandise. They don’t stock those sizes so they try to cram you into something else. Nordstrom is always more expensive, but as I have found time and time again, their customer service, quality, and no-questions-asked return policy is worth ever penny. You go with your real-life 32DD girl!

  7. Ok ok I will do it! I have never had one but this is the second blog today that says:”GO” . I to am “Blessed” and need some help as my wires are getting old.

  8. I’m wear the same size bra as you (although one of my bras calls it a 36F so I get letters of the alphabet not usually associated with boobs), but I’m about seven inches shorter. I’m about average weight, maybe slightly heavier, so my boobs just look enormous. I could probably get hired at hooters just by walking in, but who wants that? I thought I could kind of hide them, but that would be like trying to hide a couple of watermelons in the couch cushions. But I spent $89 on one bra (one bra!) and many of my friends (who wear A or B cups mostly) don’t understand how I could put that money toward a bra. Trust me, it’s worth it. Thanks so much for posting this!

  9. i’m a mom to one and i nursed my kiddo for two years. me and my girls don’t always get along. i miss the perky days, when i thought 36a (as opposed to nearly a) was an impressive size. loved this post; you had me rolling.

  10. Absolutely hilarious – thanks!! I did not know about the cup width letter thing, interesting. Don’t think I’ve heard of a DDD though, maybe it’s a US thing? When I was pregnant I was an E for a while, then went into denial and just wore sports bras until they shrunk a bit.

    • get your ass out of target!!! go to nordstrom or at least victorias secret then report back and let me know how terribly wrong you were on the size of your own beloved tits. you owe it to yourself!

  11. I feel like we could be twins and I LOVE ME and therefore LOVE YOU!!!!
    I had a similar experience when I found out I was a 32FF. But that was before two kids. Now I have to go back and get some bracing news, I’m sure…

  12. Freaking hilarious! I recently went bra shopping and it was hell. I did actually try to get a fitting at Dillards a couple years ago, but it was this old lady and she looked at me like “WTF you want a fitting?” like I was from another planet. And then I was informed I could be an A or a B. Thanks, that totally answered my question.

    Sadly, there is not a Nordstrom’s in my area, and if there was, I would be so sad because I paid 35 bucks for a bra and thought that was pushing it. I’m cheap which is convenient when you’re kind of poor. Although I do agree – sometimes you need to buy yourself nice stuff and to hell with it.

    Oh, and those three way mirrors? They are of SATAN.

  13. I’m feeling inspired. I am not sure whether $340 would make me happy or sad, though. Probably a bit bittersweet. Kinda like when I bought my $85 workout pants. Which reminds me–have you tried Lululemon workout pants? I think they magically transform your ass. Now that you have the girls standing at attention, you could check those pants out.

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