women on first dates; as told by shoes


Metallic J. Crew Ballet Flats:  Sauvignon Blanc.  Blushes when she laughs.  Constantly pulling up her strapless top that won’t stay up on its own.  Silk lace boy shorts.  Enjoys kissing and let’s you get to “2nd base”.

Hot Pink Kate Spade Slingbacks:  Belvedere Cosmopolitan.  Asks for an extra twist.  Puts on lip gloss 27 times.  Texts and laughs while you’re talking.  Proceeds to have 3 more drinks.  Perfectly matching hot pink bra and underwear.  Makes you put a towel down first.  Lets you have her missionary.  Pulls out her vibrator when you’re done and tells you she loves you.

Navy Blue Ralph Lauren Espadrilles:  Gin and Tonic with extra lime, and a Pellegrino in a wine glass as well Please Thank You.  And 2 lemon wedges on the side.  Her drink will be too weak and she will send it back.  Then it will be too strong and she’ll send it back.  Then she’ll give you a big eye roll behind the bartenders back.  Wants you to go down on her to Dave Matthews Band.  Comes then asks if you want to watch Law & Order.

Zebra Striped Reef Flip Flops:  Starts with a beer.  Then orders a glass of white wine.  Drops the F-Bomb constantly.  Cracks herself up.  Orders you both SoCo with lime shots.  Grabs your crotch under the table.  Orders Vodka and Cranberry.  Asks if you want to go get high.  Gets on top like she’s riding for the triple crown.  Has her period.

Crocs:  Miller lite, specifies “in the can”.  Picks at her nails.  Excuses herself to have nervous diarrhea.  Tells you she’s never done this before.  Has a bush down to her knees.  Gives you a horrible blowjob.  You go to the bathroom to suit up and find a Monistat kit on the vanity.  Run.

Well Worn Frye Boots:  Bourbon and Coke.  Relaxed, confident.  Twirls her long hair in her fingers as she listens to you.  Offers you a mushroom from a baggie in her purse.  What the hell.  The next morning you wake up naked in the middle of a corn field, alone, with her name tattooed on your chest.

Christian Louboutin Platform Pumps:  Arrives late, places her massive bag on the bar and leans over exposing her full cleavage to the bartender as she orders a Grey Goose on the rocks with an orange twist.  Kisses you on each cheek.  Loaded with clanking jewelry.  Checks her email often.  Asks about you but won’t hear a word you say.  Checks her compact mirror 6 times.  Looks at her watch, invites you to her place.  Wants you to tie her up.  Likes it rough.  Asks you to leave promptly after.

Ugg Boots:  See Crocs.

Birkenstocks:  Hot Tea.  Loves Natalie Merchant and The Indigo Girls.  Member of PETA.  Reaches for her drink exposing hairy armpits.  Tells you she’s just out of a relationship.  Fucks you like she’s been on a desert island.  Lesbian.

Natural Tori Burch Sandals:  White wine spritzer.  Laughs easily.  Loves football.  Divorced.  3 girls in high school.  Will tell you she has a good feeling about you.  Pushes you onto the bed.  Undresses for you, slowly.  Pulls a retractable stripper pole out of her bedroom closet.  Game on.

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