men on first dates; as told by shirts.


White Button Down Oxford, Navy Blue Blazer:  McCallans 12 year straight up.  Republican.  Investment Banker.  Listens to Kenny G. to relax.  Self-absorbed.  Missionary, may leave socks on.

Polo shirt:  Dogfish Head Ale, from bottle.  Enjoys Xanax and playing cornhole.  Drives Volvo with Cape May bumper sticker.  Dirty Talker, pulls out 2 boxes of toys from his closet.

Polo shirt, popped collar:  Chardonnay.  Has $320 in the bank.  Spends $75 a week on hair products.  Loves the mirror.  Doggy-style, may get spins and pass out on you.

Hawaiian Shirt:  Corona with a lime.  Will excuse himself to reapply deodorant while he does a one hit in the bathroom.  Will possibly show you his Jimmy Buffett concert stubs. Masturbates to Victorias Secret catalogs.  Won’t be able to get it up.

Tank Top:  Wild Turkey with a Budweiser back. Turn and run.

Vacation Spot Tee Shirt: Tequilla and Sprite, specifies rail.  Orders you the same, again, specifying rail. Looks at his watch every 5 minutes.  Wants a blowjob in the car.

Vintage Tee Shirt:  Jack and Coke.  $4,000 watch.  Spent more on his jeans than you did on your implants.  Goes outside for a smoke.  Cock ring.  Large assortment of lube in his drawer.  Prepare for bruised thighs.

Robert Graham Slim Fit Button Down:  Grey Goose and Soda.  Compliments your attire.  Laughs easily, relaxed.  Comments on your Marc Jacobs bag.  Takes you out dancing, incredible.  Gay.

Versace Silk Sport Shirt:  Dirty Martini, Extra Dirty. Runs his hand a little too far up your thigh.  You let him.  Award winning smile.  Wants to know everything about you.  Drives you in his Porsche to his penthouse apartment.  Goes down on you for an hour.  Best sex of your life.  Next Gynecological exam you’ll have the gift of Herpes.

Golf Shirt:  O’Douls.  Talks a lot about “the back nine” and his “fucking ex-wife”.  Takes 12 phone calls.  Compulsively applies chapstick.  Has a blow and go installed in his Lexus.  Likes a finger in his ass.  Ejaculates prematurely.

25 replies

  1. Ignaaaaant. I have no idea what “rail” is: “Tequilla (sic) and Sprite, specifies rail. Orders you the same, again, specifying rail.” School me, please?

    • Class begins now.
      There is “rail” “call” and “top shelf” whenever you order a drink…whether or not you realize this is irrelevant. Let’s take Vodka for example. If you go into a bar and order a “vodka & tonic” that is called Rail. That means that they will pour you whats below the bar, on the rail, which is the cheapest rotgut liquor they pour to make $$ such as Popov. Now, if you ask for Absolut and Tonic, that is Call, because you called your brand specifically, these bottles are on the lower tier of whatever you’re looking at behind the bar. Now if you pull out the big guns and ordered either a Grey Goose or Belvedere and Tonic, that’s the stuff sitting on the top shelf…the most expensive.
      You’re Welcome.

      • Ahhhhh! Here we call it “well”. I’ve never heard it referred to as “rail”. And to think I’m almost 40 years old and bartended my way through college. Harumph! Well thanks for the schooling!

        (Love your blog btw.)

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