I think that I must have billy-goat somewhere in my ancestry.
The reason for this suspicion, is the fact that my chin has decided, without my consent, to sprout random hairs in the billy-goat region.
It is really pretty, and a great boost for the self-esteem. I’m ecstatic about adding one more thing to my daily ritual required to leave the house in daylight.
Ahh, awake, big stretch.
Wander into the shower.
Shave legs, armpits, and Mrs. Snugglepuss. Wash and condition hair. Brush teeth. Exfoliate face. Exfoliate body. Wash face with anti-aging alpha hydroxy product of some sort. Spend a few special recreational moments with the handheld shower. Pumice the bottom of feet that look like I’ve been walking across hot coals all my life. “Sorry kids, have fun in public school, Mommy has to keep up with her overpriced hair and facial products.”
Step out, wrap hair in one towel and use another to dry off. Use makeup remover to get rid of the raccoon eyes. Apply a succession of 3 different anti-aging cremes and lotions to face. Apply body lotion liberally, make sure to rub it all in. Rub another lotion on feet, and try not to slide on the tile and split your head open.
Speaking of toes, they’re chipped, use polish remover to get off old polish. Scrounge around all your drawers trying to find a new acceptable color. Sit to apply toenail polish. Twist open, dried up. Try to add remover to the bottle. Add streaky diluted polish to toes. Decide it looks like shit, remove it. Hunt down a new color, cursing profusely. Apply toenail polish.
Remove towel from hair, apply keratin product of some sort. Brush and detangle.
Tear 50 things off hangers trying to find something to wear, and wind up with the first one you chose and disregard the piles of clothes you now have strewn across the floor. F-bombs flying.
Blowdry hair. Further advance your development of carpal tunnel syndrome using the gigantic round brush to straighten the back of your hair in sections.
Apply foundation in genuflecting dots across the T Zone. Smooth in, apply powder, blush, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss in attempts of making yourself look like you’re not wearing makeup.
Put on watch, earrings, necklace. Look in full length mirror.
Decide you hate your outfit, repeat earlier ritual and wind up in the outfit you were wearing. Try on 5 different pairs of shoes, and wind up wearing flip-flops like always. Switch purses.
Realize you forgot deodorant. Run back into bathroom and apply deodorant, speeding up the onset of Alzheimer’s. Spray some perfume. Find sunglasses. Find hair tie. Catch a glimpse of yourself in direct sunlight.
Find your hand mirror and return to direct sunlight. Tweeze eyebrows. Spend too much time on your blackheads so that you look like you just got bit up by mosquitos.
Dislodge billy-goat whiskers.
Now go get ’em tiger.
Categories: True Stories