me and my john deere X500 : a proclivity for mowing

Amongst many other things, I’ll be the first to admit that I am as addicted to mowing as  stupid people are to watching Cosby Show reruns.

It all began in the spring of 2003 when we purchased a house with 5 acres, and subsequently our first tractor.  She was a shiny red Craftsman DYT 4000 with a little 42″ mowing deck, bless her heart.  I soon discovered that mowing was not only the perfect opportunity for a little zen time, but a glowing opportunity to drink profusely, chain-smoke and listen to my iPod for a few hours while getting a tan.  Life was good.  She mowed her little heart out for the 4 years we lived at that house, and for the first year we lived at our new house (with a lot more acres and a lot rougher terrain.)

Then, on September 18, 2010 the poor girl couldn’t keep up, and she lost her battle with inadequacy by blowing her engine block.

Fortunately it was nearing the end of the mowing season, so we borrowed our neighbors tractor for the final few cuts.  It was a dark and lonely time.

Then on Mothers Day, what to my wondering eyes should appear but A BRAND SPANKING NEW JOHN DEERE X500 MULTI TERRAIN WITH A 48″ DECK! Fully automatic, no more gear shifting – she was the Cadillac of tractors, and she was all mine!  Many women would probably be insulted by such a gift, but not me, I had the best husband in all the land.

I love that tractor so much it is ridiculous/retarded.  We have had it 2 years and I think my husband has ridden it twice.  I daydream of having it custom painted, pink with flames.  It takes me 3 hours to cut our grass, and it is by far one of my favorite ways to relax other than golf…but that is for another blog.

I used to do some of my best drinking on that mower.  It has been a big adjustment in sobriety, but by sticking to either iced coffee or water, I’m noticing that my cut job is more badass than ever, not to mention the added bonuses of walking straight or not needing a 4 hour “nap” after dismounting.  I still get to chain smoke and listen to my iPod.  It’s where I come up with some of my best ideas.

Last season cutting on a diagonal was really in, so was mowing in such a way that you could create striping by going the opposite way next to each previous row.  Not to toot my own horn, but toot-toot, I can mow like a motherfucker.  You could snap a chalk line on my work and it would be perfect every time.  Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly anal, I will re-mow the entire yard from the inside out in order to sweep off the grass.

I’ll let you in on a little secret, come close. Sometimes, i will use a bungee cord to hold up the grass sprayer thing which eliminates lines altogether.
The slight downside to this method is that the grass really does spray everywhere. I find it beneficial to take 4 Claritin and 2 Benadryl prior to the mow.  I have tried swim goggles but then the neighbors think I’m drinking again.  Upon completion, I must stop itching long enough to wash my hair 4 times in a row.  I can never tell if it’s really clean due to the fact that my eyes are swollen shut.  It is typical to discover grass in strange places such as under my breasts and in my crack for 2 days after.

But this is a price I am willing to pay for my craft.

5 replies

  1. For 13 years, I drove down from NJ so I could ride the tractor @ my mothers house, I finally got tired of the drive and moved here. AND whats up with “illbeOUTin a minute?” You give the gay community great hope.

    • Dear Lolly,
      I am honored that I am providing hope for the gays. After a bad bout of dating in ’98 I did briefly consider hopping on the pussy train. I do however, prefer my ride to have a penis. So essentially I am just a straight lesbian.
      Gucci Bags and Rainbow Flags,

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