The reason I started this blog was to create an outlet in which to get out of my own head.
Well, I need to get the fuck out of my way right now and release some of this shit into the universe before I start making some really bad decisions.
I am restless. The dangerous kind of restless. I am struggling, so I am going to write this out and see if I can’t diffuse some of the insane desire.
Christmas is proving to be incredibly difficult. I got engaged on Christmas eve, and this is my first Christmas alone. When my kids are here, I am fine, but when they are at their Dad’s I am overcome with emotion and loneliness and become far too consumed with feeling fucking sorry for myself. It is fucked up, I know it, but I’m stuck in it right now.
I’ve been isolating like crazy, I have been painting a lot but have not been writing and have been spinning my wheels too much. It goes something like this:
I don’t want to be a fucking alcoholic, I want to have a drink. I want to be able to go to normal holiday parties and have a fucking drink. I can’t drink. I can control it this time. I can’t ever control it. I want to have about 5 grey goose and soda’s with a lemon wedge, with lots of ice in a leaded crystal glass. I want to hear the ice clink. I want to feel that warmth and numbness. But I can’t. I pace around, I eat something, I ignore my phone, I feel sorry for myself. I think about going to a meeting, but I don’t want to go to a meeting. I could go Christmas shopping, but I don’t want to go shopping.
It’s insidious. I’m not going to do it, but it’s all this emotion that gets me into trouble and I can’t release it and I can’t escape it. It’s terrible, it’s like someone just slammed a black bag over me that’s filled with emotion and I can’t fucking get out of it. I feel hijacked by myself and it’s tripping me up.
Breathe. Just breathe.
I don’t want to be strong all of the time, when do I get to break? Who is there to hold me when I do? Nobody. Poor. Fucking. Me.
I know some of you reading this have or are struggling with alcoholism and or addiction, and I know you will get it. The only way out of it is through it. But FUCK! I just want to get out of myself, I want a break from me, I’m fucking sick of me.
This is a gnarly little rut I’m in right now. Someone want to offer up some sound advice and talk me off my ledge? I’m a fucking mess right now. This is about as out of my shell as I am willing to get, hiding safely behind my computer screen.