As a self-deprecating recovering alcoholic, and freshly divorced mother of two wildly awesome young boys, I often wear a very tight tee-shirt emblazoned with a bulls-eye, the fabric of which is woven from a magical blend of inappropriate humor, fearless observation, filter-less living, empirical wit, and irreverent sarcasm.
The Monkey’s Off My Back But The Circus Is Still In Town is a collection of comedic short essays, musings in memoir, and some food for thought on recovery and becoming a real live grown-up. As a direct result of my deformed emotions, numerous character defects, desperate narcissism, and poor decision-making, I will undoubtedly save at least four people in the world. Serious time and agony can be avoided with the cliffs notes of my personal misfortune in hand. I say what people think, or don’t think, but in a way that will make you laugh in spite of yourself. I’m an asshole and will ultimately laugh at anyone’s expense, just as I laugh at my own. It’s my special way of showing love; it means that I like and respect you enough to laugh at your shit, too. We are all flawed and fucked up and at times are perfect targets for the butt of a great joke. I will capitalize on that, I guarantee it, the result will be warm tears running down your legs.
Sometimes I can be even more awesome than the life-sized wax sculpture of myself that I don’t have.
Here are 10 things you didn’t know about me:
1. I once created an intestinal sculpture using only a 2 lb block of cheddar cheese and a package of Sour Patch Kids.
2. I invented the Apple computer, and Steve Jobs stole it.
3. I invented the Internet.
4. I once danced privately for Patrick Swayze and he called me “baby” the whole time. Since then I’ve been a pretty big deal.
5. Sometimes on Sundays, I like to pretend I have Guillain-Barré syndrome.
6. I would like very much to contract Alopecia of the genital region.
7. Every time I laugh, an Angel gets their wings.
8. I would like to get a baby Tamarin and name it Tom Selleck and take it with me everywhere I go.
9. I can make a vagina out of origami.
10. I invented the circle.
To the people of the world, I say, you’re welcome.
My stories are 100% true, self-narrated encounters, unbelievable occurrences, and opinionated observations that have taken place throughout my 42 years, 28 of which were peppered with high-functioning drug and alcohol abuse. I got sober November 9, 2011; the fog lifted, and I began vomiting my life. Now when someone asks if they can buy me a drink, I just say, “No but I’ll take the 8 bucks,” like I learned in finishing school. As an egomaniac with an inferiority complex, your comments and feedback along the way are a huge part of this ride.
I began this blog, and writing in general on April 10th, 2012, about 5 months after I got sober. I started writing as an outlet, and rather unexpectedly, it became an indispensable part of my recovery. I voiced my thoughts, fears, hopes, and opinions. It was very fucking loud and self-deprecating and rooted mostly in a humorous view of my experiences, both past and present. But something resonated with readers, because In just over a year I’ve gone from 3,000 views a month to over 60,000 and rising. It honestly blows my mind.
Sometimes its hard and in-your-face and funny, much like I am. Other times I find myself remembering differently, with more connection and love. The sarcasm and cynicism will always be a part of who I am, but it is not front and center anymore, it is still finding its place in this new mix. I still want to make you laugh, I will always want that, but there is something deeper that I’m tapping into that I guess I never knew was there, or never knew how to explore. Now there are these two very distinct writing voices that I want to figure out how to marry. I guess as I begin to merge those parts of myself, that too, will evolve organically.
You encourage, criticize, question, support, and validate me in ways that would never happen if I were just writing in a journal. The interaction is essential, there’s a fellowship, and it is very dear to me. If you think about it, we found each other by pure serendipity. It’s really quite amazing, and I am truly grateful.
Thanks for following along on this journey. Enjoy the ride, it’s wild.