I’m a super creative egomaniac with an inferiority complex and an inappropriately honest sense of humor. Mix that with my extraordinary ability to remove my bra without the use of my hands and that I’m a recovering alcoholic and you have the perfect recipe for a train wreck.
I enjoy eating healthy, exercising and going to bed early. (by eating healthy I mean a Lean Cuisine “entrée” with half of a pound of cheese melted on it at 10pm while I watch The Real Housewives, and by exercise I mean buying Groupon’s for boot camp classes that I never use, and by go to sleep early I mean masturbate.)
I am an artist/graphic designer by trade, a full-time mommy, and recovering alcoholic and addict. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Considering my current circumstances, I figured it might be beneficial to create an outlet in which to get out of my own head.
I used the word “mommy” because that’s what my kids call me, not because I spend my time painting stenciled borders on the wall or pushing pampered chef to other moms in trade for their secrets of how to bedazzle that old pair of jeans. I resent the inference. I would only bedazzle my vagina, and that is called vajazzling anyway.
On that note, if you are allergic to profanity or easily offended, at this point in the program I would advise you to find your merriment elsewhere.
Just like many things in my life, I have impulsively decided to jump right into the world of blogging (which I know virtually nothing about, and by using the word virtually I am actually giving myself a lot more credit than I am due). “What the fuck am I reading this for” you may ask yourself at this point…to which I answer,
The purpose of this blog is apparently to put the cart WAY before the horse. In fact, the horse may never show up, he may be galloping around a green pasture elsewhere, or trying to grow wings so that he can fly over a rainbow instead of having to pull my shitty cart.
Entries could be a rambling and hilariously embellished account of an event that took place (inside or outside my head).
This one took place out in the real live world. I was lucky enough to capture this lunatic with my iphone in her natural habitat, the Ft. Myers Airport.
Could be a painting or creative project I’m working on or trying to sell so that I can keep up with my highlights.
Could be a photo of the Susan B. Anthony sized zit that I awoke with that morning at the hardly pre-pubescent age of 41. Or the fact that today I realized I will never be a professional hair curler.
My hope is to create a healthy outlet that may (or may not) give others a source of strength, hope or inspiration. My main objective however, is to make you laugh enough that tears run down your legs. My old unhealthy and totally unproductive outlet involved pouring vodka, club soda and lemon down my gullet until I sometimes fell asleep on toilets or made my land rover do somersaults…I’ll probably be sharing some of those stories as well as the road to recovery.
Sobriety is really in these days.
If all else fails it will be an interesting ride.
So join in the fun, like me, follow me, do whatever it is you’re supposed to do with blogs and I’ll keep on posting shit.
A smooth sea never made a good sailor, and away we go.
* I cannot really take my bra off without my hands.