a bit about me : step inside my head for a few minutes

As a self-deprecating divorced mother of two wildly awesome young boys, I often wear a very tight tee-shirt emblazoned with a bulls-eye, the fabric of which is woven from a magical blend of inappropriate humor, fearless observation, filter-less living, empirical wit, and irreverent sarcasm.

The Monkey’s Off My Back But The Circus Is Still In Town is a collection of comedic short essays, musings in memoir, and some food for thought on becoming a real live grown-up. As a direct result of my deformed emotions, numerous character defects, desperate narcissism, and poor decision-making, I will undoubtedly save at least four people in the world. Serious time and agony can be avoided with the cliffs notes of my personal misfortune in hand, the result of which will be warm tears running down your legs.

To the people of the world, I say, you’re welcome.

My stories are 100% true, self-narrated encounters, unbelievable occurrences, and opinionated observations that have taken place throughout my 43 years. I began this blog, and writing in general on April 10th, 2012. I started writing as an outlet, and rather unexpectedly, it became an indispensable part of my life. I voiced my thoughts, fears, hopes, and opinions. It was very fucking loud and self-deprecating and rooted mostly in a humorous view of my experiences, both past and present. Sometimes I am hard and in-your-face and funny, much like I am. Other times I find myself remembering differently, with more connection and love.

However, many challenges arise regarding my choice to live transparently through this blog.

When I meet someone in the real live walking and talking world, and they find out my last name, they, and anyone else they know that can use Google – family, coworkers, etc. can then have access to basically every shadowy corner of my life. I am 100% OK with this, obviously, or I would have never chosen to put it out there in the first place.

It is impossible to glimpse through a few pieces of writing and make a true assessment, let alone a judgement of me, or anyone else for that matter. It is like picking up a book, reading a few pages, putting it back on the shelf and then having your weekly book club over to give them a complete synopsis on whether the book is good or bad. I have a hard time believing, if you read all 200+ posts on this blog, that you would see anything other than a good, honest, loving, truthful human being at the core. I may be a lot of things, but one thing you can’t call me is dishonest. I am exposed, from the inside out, all of my struggles, failures and successes, thoughts and emotions…how many people can say that they are that self-actualized? My guess is not many. In no way am I saying or even implying that people need to put their life story on the interwebs in order to be free…what I am saying, is that I needed to. I needed to turn myself inside out, to be raw and exposed, honest and true, and I have been liberated in a profound way as a result.

The truth will set you free, and I am free. I live in the truth, always, every moment, every day, and I am fully alive.

I do not let the dogma of others effect or shame me, my experiences, or my person in any way. I spent my entire life doing that, hiding, living behind a facade, keeping up appearances, being who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. That took me further and further away from my true self, so much so that I was lost, and drowning, and trying desperately to escape the person in the mirror that I didn’t even recognize. Now, my life is authentic, in the truest most pure sense of the word.

Authentic.

I know who I am, and anyone who knows me, knows who I am.

Obviously, I put everything out here, and that was my choice when I first began. I had my fair share of band-aids to rip off with family as a result of living in the truth, and I understand that the measuring stick by which I gauge my own comfort level of exposure does not apply to everyone else. What I write about is the human condition, and I choose to live out loud in hopes of helping others who have struggled as well. There is power in realizing that we are not alone, and that in spite of it all, not only can we survive, but we can thrive and succeed beyond our wildest dreams.

That is my message. That is who I am.

This blog is not just writing, it is me, my life, a living human being with the capacity to love and be loved. I can be funny, tragic, sarcastic, irreverent, thoughtful, soulful, insightful, outrageous or inappropriate. Some posts will make you cry, others will make you cringe, while others will make you laugh out loud. Some will make you think about your own life, your own missteps, your own struggles and successes.

No matter what you think, they will inspire emotion and thought, and that is the point.

I have learned that it is really none of my business what other people think about me. Feelings aren’t facts. I am solid with who I am. I know that I am a good person, raising amazing children and living a life that is filled with caring, love and immense gratitude. I will follow my path, remain in this space, I am unshakable in it.

Hope you enjoy the ride.

Tracy

ride

 

102 replies

  1. you are funny and you must be gutsy (sobriety) and what the hell was that woman thinking carrying that bag…I’m still LOL…all jokes aside congrats on being sober and what a hard path you have been on…you rock

    • thank you. sobriety is the new high, at least for me.
      and I KNOW! that bag had me in tears the entire flight, not only because it was what it was, but because I was drunk with 2 drunk friends and they had to sit in the row with her! It was a little gift from god.

    • i’m doing a curtsey right now for you. not really, see, i’m so honest.
      your blog looks right up my alley, going to poke around over there. i’d like Joaquin to poke around in me more though.

  2. I love your blog but now I realize mine is too fucking bland. I think my next post will be titled “Yesterday a doctor put a camera in my ass”. He gave me something to make me sleepy. I took the day off work and after he was done and I was driven home I laid on the couch in a haze. I watched “Fishing with John” and read through your blog. I was ecstatic today when I realized your blog wasn’t just a dream. It isn’t, right? I’d like a nickname now please.

  3. Not to be a broken record, record, record, record…..

    Just kidding! You are too young to know what a record is anyway, whippersnapper! Get off my lawn! I am just trying to leave a comment on someone’s blog that I saw and thought might be interesting, and I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids! What did you medal in, anyway – gymnasty?

    And that’s how Hotspur comments on cold medicine! HOORAY, I CAN BREATHE! I medaled in meds.

    • That fucking bag was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. What may have been even funnier was what a lunatic I was trying to photograph her in the line, and I was shitfaced.

  4. I stumbled across your blog via Alice at wonderland. As soon as I saw your blog title I started laughing and kept at it throughout your intro. BTW I was totally jealous of your bra removal superpower until I read the last line. You’re funny. I’m gonna enjoy reading ur blog

  5. Three things. I really like you or your blogging persona–you decide. I was really hoping you knew how to take your bra off without hands, can’t pin why I was rooting for that, but I was little disappointed. You don’t look like the average recovering addict/alcoholic so you must have great genes or the drugs were soft on you. Kudos.

  6. I can take my panties off without using my hands- it’s called ‘sex with my husband’ and/or ‘going commando’.

  7. I used to start early with vodka and OJ and tell myself it was healthy with the Vitamin C. Enjoyed reading a few of your posts, I’m going to come for another visit when I have time.

    Keep up the creative outlet, it’s important. And fun.

  8. I CAN remove your bra without my hands. But that is not what I wanted to say, it just slipped out of me. You are funny as fuck. Ok, that is more appropriate.

  9. Tracy, stumbled upon your blog via Le Clown (currently my favorite blog), but now….now I’m digging YOUR nose more! You have a new fan….perhaps more as I peruse.

    Pssst…..don’t say anything to Clown. His ego is very touchy.

  10. Jeez, what a killer “about”. Looking forward to now reading some of your posts.

    P.s that painting is fucking ridiculous. The values, tones, colour, lighting – all gorgeous.

  11. Hello there Tracy. Your blog and writing are exceptional. So I thought of you when I got nominated for The Liebster award today, a pay-it-forward recognition of bloggers from bloggers. I’m breaking all the rules, like you’re supposed to nominate blogs with less than 200 followers, but I couldn’t resist. I wanted to share your blog. So I’m nominating you. Maybe consider participating. Anyways, I love your authenticity and storytelling so I thought I’d take the opportunity to let you know.

    http://dancingwithstefanie.com/2013/05/14/well-good-morning-a-nice-surprise-in-my-inbox/

Your thoughts, experiences and opinions here...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s