I’m a super creative egomaniac with an inferiority complex and an inappropriately honest sense of humor. Mix that with my extraordinary ability to remove my bra without the use of my hands and that I’m a recovering alcoholic and you have the perfect recipe for a train wreck.
I enjoy eating healthy, exercising and going to bed early. (by eating healthy I mean a Lean Cuisine “entrée” with half of a pound of cheese melted on it at 10pm while I watch The Real Housewives, and by exercise I mean buying Groupon’s for boot camp classes that I never use, and by go to sleep early I mean masturbate.)
I am an artist/graphic designer by trade, a full-time mommy, and recovering alcoholic and addict. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Considering my current circumstances, I figured it might be beneficial to create an outlet in which to get out of my own head.
I used the word “mommy” because that’s what my kids call me, not because I spend my time painting stenciled borders on the wall or pushing pampered chef to other moms in trade for their secrets of how to bedazzle that old pair of jeans. I resent the inference. I would only bedazzle my vagina, and that is called vajazzling anyway.
On that note, if you are allergic to profanity or easily offended, at this point in the program I would advise you to find your merriment elsewhere.
Just like many things in my life, I have impulsively decided to jump right into the world of blogging (which I know virtually nothing about, and by using the word virtually I am actually giving myself a lot more credit than I am due). “What the fuck am I reading this for” you may ask yourself at this point…to which I answer,
“You’re Welcome”.
The purpose of this blog is apparently to put the cart WAY before the horse. In fact, the horse may never show up, he may be galloping around a green pasture elsewhere, or trying to grow wings so that he can fly over a rainbow instead of having to pull my shitty cart.
Entries could be a rambling and hilariously embellished account of an event that took place (inside or outside my head).
This one took place out in the real live world. I was lucky enough to capture this lunatic with my iphone in her natural habitat, the Ft. Myers Airport.
Really?
Could be a painting or creative project I’m working on or trying to sell so that I can keep up with my highlights.
Could be a photo of the Susan B. Anthony sized zit that I awoke with that morning at the hardly pre-pubescent age of 41. Or the fact that today I realized I will never be a professional hair curler.
My hope is to create a healthy outlet that may (or may not) give others a source of strength, hope or inspiration. My main objective however, is to make you laugh enough that tears run down your legs. My old unhealthy and totally unproductive outlet involved pouring vodka, club soda and lemon down my gullet until I sometimes fell asleep on toilets or made my land rover do somersaults…I’ll probably be sharing some of those stories as well as the road to recovery.
Sobriety is really in these days.
If all else fails it will be an interesting ride.
So join in the fun, like me, follow me, do whatever it is you’re supposed to do with blogs and I’ll keep on posting shit.
A smooth sea never made a good sailor, and away we go.
* I cannot really take my bra off without my hands.
Okay, how can I resist? I’m in. Tom
Welcome aboard!
Congrats on your sobriety! Hang in there.
thank you, sober’s the new high.
I love your honesty. Congrats on your sobriety. Get blogging away. I look forward to reading your shit. Thanks!
thanks, i’m curtseying right now.
you are funny and you must be gutsy (sobriety) and what the hell was that woman thinking carrying that bag…I’m still LOL…all jokes aside congrats on being sober and what a hard path you have been on…you rock
thank you. sobriety is the new high, at least for me.
and I KNOW! that bag had me in tears the entire flight, not only because it was what it was, but because I was drunk with 2 drunk friends and they had to sit in the row with her! It was a little gift from god.
I have just come across your blog and love it – honesty and humour are two great qualities!
i’m doing a curtsey right now for you. not really, see, i’m so honest.
your blog looks right up my alley, going to poke around over there. i’d like Joaquin to poke around in me more though.
Tracy,
Ass.
Le Clown
LeClown,
Fuck.
Tracy
Tracy,
Clever. We are now BFF4VS.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
Retards Unite!
WBS, SSS!
Tracy
Hats off. You’ve outwitted me.
Put your hat back on, it’s a tie.
Le Clown doesn’t like the word retards. Yipes!
it was an inside joke. and i use it as just a word. a word. that’s all.
I totally get it. You don’t have to convince me. My feeling is a word is only hateful if there’s hate behind it. Le Clown and his wife don’t feel that way, though, and are very sensitive to it. My daughter used it and she got ripped to shreds. Just giving you a heads up.
thanks for the heads up
Holy shit. You are my new favorite blogger.
Holy Shit. You are my new favorite follower.
Traitor.
Traitor…
besides you, clown of le.
2 points for using Vajazzling in your intro. Underused in both word and deed.
I love a woman who appreciates a good vajazz.
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Another blogger linked to your bra fitting post, I loved it, then I read your About, loved it more, I’m a follower now!
Love this blog.
thank you kindly, it loves you back.
Whew. I thought it might just want to be friends.
no way, this blog gives you a full on reach around on the first date.
Okay, that did it. Coffee all over my monitor.
i aim to please.
I love your blog but now I realize mine is too fucking bland. I think my next post will be titled “Yesterday a doctor put a camera in my ass”. He gave me something to make me sleepy. I took the day off work and after he was done and I was driven home I laid on the couch in a haze. I watched “Fishing with John” and read through your blog. I was ecstatic today when I realized your blog wasn’t just a dream. It isn’t, right? I’d like a nickname now please.
I have nominated you for an Addictive Blog award. I don’t really know what that is, but I thought it should go to addictive people. Check it out at http://peachyteachy.wordpress.com/2012/10/02/my-addictive-blog-or-dream-on-sister/
Not to be a broken record, record, record, record…..
Just kidding! You are too young to know what a record is anyway, whippersnapper! Get off my lawn! I am just trying to leave a comment on someone’s blog that I saw and thought might be interesting, and I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids! What did you medal in, anyway – gymnasty?
And that’s how Hotspur comments on cold medicine! HOORAY, I CAN BREATHE! I medaled in meds.
This is totally amazing. So glad to have found your blog. In particular, that lady and her bag…really?? Lunacy.
Love. X
That fucking bag was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. What may have been even funnier was what a lunatic I was trying to photograph her in the line, and I was shitfaced.
I stumbled across your blog via Alice at wonderland. As soon as I saw your blog title I started laughing and kept at it throughout your intro. BTW I was totally jealous of your bra removal superpower until I read the last line. You’re funny. I’m gonna enjoy reading ur blog
welcome aboard! buckle up and enjoy the ride…
you are rad and you have to fend off Le Clown too! welcome to the club
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Thank you for the clarification on *not* being able to take your bra off without your hands. That saves me wondering how and preious hours trying.
you’re welcome. but I bet you can’t touch your tongue to your elbow.
I can’t. and I didn’t just try. I tried quite a while ago and got smarter then.
you are incredibly smart. i just tried it again before i wrote that. because i’m daft.
Ha ha. I am well steeped in the realms of Le Clown. I know that flattery works every time. I’ll go sign up as a follower now.
thank you my friend, and welcome aboard.
Three things. I really like you or your blogging persona–you decide. I was really hoping you knew how to take your bra off without hands, can’t pin why I was rooting for that, but I was little disappointed. You don’t look like the average recovering addict/alcoholic so you must have great genes or the drugs were soft on you. Kudos.
I’m in…you had me at vajazzle…
then you, my dear, are a perfect fit. welcome aboard. vejazzlers unite.
I can take my panties off without using my hands- it’s called ‘sex with my husband’ and/or ‘going commando’.
I can take mine off without my hands too, but it’s now called ‘sex with someone other than my husband who is now my ex-husband’ or ‘i’m lazy’
I just discovered your blog today and I’m glad I did its all kind of awesome!!! congrats on being both freshly pressed and freshly clowned
Thank you thank you! Welcome aboard.
I used to start early with vodka and OJ and tell myself it was healthy with the Vitamin C. Enjoyed reading a few of your posts, I’m going to come for another visit when I have time.
Keep up the creative outlet, it’s important. And fun.
Spill, how do you do the bra thing with no hands? I can take mine off while I’m wearing clothes (it drives my son crazy) but no hands? I’m jealous.
scroll down to the bottom…
*I can’t
Ha ha, my hopeful self took over my read the whole thing self!
How I have not followed you yet, I do not know. Hi.
that is exactly what i was thinking.
welcome aboard.
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I’m probably going to regret this follow. Even your name is almost a cuss word.
Ha! That “L” keeps me on the up and up.
Fucking fabulous! I believe I shall love dining on the humor and sarcasm you are serving up here!
Fucking A! Click around, count the fucks, they are a plenty.
I CAN remove your bra without my hands. But that is not what I wanted to say, it just slipped out of me. You are funny as fuck. Ok, that is more appropriate.
That’s because you could use your teeth.
Thanks for calling me funny as fuck, the highest form of flattery in my book.
Yes, I have what they call quick teeth. Thank you for being so cool, as well as funny as fuck.
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The bra thing notwithstanding, you rock!
Thank you, I’m taking a bow.
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I don’t usually do this… but I thought you might enjoy this story… LOL! http://javaj240.wordpress.com/2012/12/10/the-pub-crawl-at-the-mall/
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This could be the greatest about page I’ve ever read. Well done. Well done, indeed.
Thank you, I hope it soothed you after today’s post. Sorry.
Haha. Yeah, soothed. That’s the ticket!
I enjoy your blog, and it expands my horizons. I appreciate the effort that goes into it. I have nominated you for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award. The details are at http://thepoliblog.wordpress.com/, in the post named ‘A Blogging Award’ (January 10, 2013). Thanks for the wonderful blog!
Wow!!
I am truly honored, thank you so much. Life got in the way of my blogging but I am getting back on later and will get on it.
Again, sincere thanks.
Tracy
Oh you’re fun, let’s be friends.
done. bffesties
Happy Birthday Tracy!
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Tracy, stumbled upon your blog via Le Clown (currently my favorite blog), but now….now I’m digging YOUR nose more! You have a new fan….perhaps more as I peruse.
Pssst…..don’t say anything to Clown. His ego is very touchy.
god I love that bag…I would be way to embarrassed to use it though..:):)
i nearly shat myself.
I was feeling a bit down after reading your ‘Freshly pressed’ post and now I am laughing after reading your About page.
I need to follow you!
Girl! Keep clicking around and guaranteed you will have tears, running down your legs.
Welcome aboard!
Tracy
you had me at Beef stroganoff. But reading your about page, I’m hooked! I’m a fan
Welcome aboard! There’s a lot of very diverse writing on here, lots of humor, lots of inappropriateness. Enjoy!
Tracy
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Jeez, what a killer “about”. Looking forward to now reading some of your posts.
P.s that painting is fucking ridiculous. The values, tones, colour, lighting – all gorgeous.
Hello there Tracy. Your blog and writing are exceptional. So I thought of you when I got nominated for The Liebster award today, a pay-it-forward recognition of bloggers from bloggers. I’m breaking all the rules, like you’re supposed to nominate blogs with less than 200 followers, but I couldn’t resist. I wanted to share your blog. So I’m nominating you. Maybe consider participating. Anyways, I love your authenticity and storytelling so I thought I’d take the opportunity to let you know.
http://dancingwithstefanie.com/2013/05/14/well-good-morning-a-nice-surprise-in-my-inbox/