THE DIET AND FEEDING HABITS OF MOTHERFUCKING WOODPECKERS

Why do people say that I have a “foul mouth?” That is the stupidest expression I have ever heard. Foul? Really? I like to think of it as spicy, glittery, surprising, honest, hilarious, pungent, punchy, loose and free. I have a free mouth, motherfuckers.

A foul mouth is more likely suited to haters. People that use mean, angry language with intent to hurt. That’s foul, regardless of whether there are curse words or not. Mean words strung together with intent to hurt or insult, racist, sexist…that stuff is foul. But me? I’m just a person like a million others who likes to spice up a story with a good old f-bomb. They are also considered lazy words by some, words used as a substitute for a strong vocabulary. Bullshit. I know plenty-o-big words. How about all of the boring ass writers who may use no curse words, but use the words “really” and “like” and “good” ad nauseam. That’s lazy. I like my punchy little swear words, always have, always will.

For example, I have rewritten the following paragraph. Please tell me which one you would rather read. 1. or 2. You’re welcome.

Motherfucking woodpecker.

Motherfucking woodpecker.

1.  THE DIET AND FEEDING HABITS OF WOODPECKERS

The diet of woodpeckers consists mainly of insects and their grubs taken from living and dead trees, and other arthropods, along with fruit, nuts and sap from live trees. Ecologically, they help to keep trees healthy by keeping them from suffering mass infestations. The family is noted for its ability to acquire wood-boring grubs using their bills for hammering, but overall the family is characterized by its dietary flexibility, with many species being both highly omnivorous and opportunistic. The insect prey most commonly taken are those found inside tree trunks, whether they are alive or rotten, and in crevices in the bark. These include beetles and their grubs, ants, termites, spiders, and caterpillars. These may be obtained either by gleaning or, more famously, by excavating wood. Having hammered a hole into the wood, the prey is excavated by a long barbed tongue. The ability to excavate allows woodpeckers to obtain tree sap, an important source of food for some species. Most famously, the sapsuckers (genus Sphyrapicus) feed in this fashion, but the technique is not restricted to these and others, such as the Acorn Woodpecker and White-headed Woodpecker, also feed in this way. It was once thought that the technique was restricted to the New World, but Old World species, such as the Arabian Woodpecker and Great Spotted Woodpecker, also feed in this way.

yawwwwnnnnnnn.

2. THE DIET AND FEEDING HABITS OF MOTHERFUCKING WOODPECKERS

The diet of fucking woodpeckers consists mainly of insects and their grubs taken from living and dead fucking trees, and other arthropods, along with fruit, nuts and sap from live trees. Holy fuck. Ecologically, they help to keep fucking trees healthy by keeping them from suffering mass infestations. The family is noted for its fucking ability to acquire wood-boring grubs using their bills for hammering, so fucking cool, but overall the family is characterized by its dietary flexibility, with many species being both highly omnivorous and opportunistic. Crafty little fuckers. The insect prey most commonly taken are those found inside tree trunks, whether they are alive or rotten, and in crevices in the bark. These include fucking beetles and their grubs, fucking ants, fucking termites, fucking spiders, and fucking caterpillars. These may be obtained either by gleaning or, more famously, by excavating wood. (He said excavating wood) Having hammered a hole into the wood, (he said hammered a hole in the wood) the prey is excavated by a long barbed tongue. Fuck yeah! The ability to excavate allows woodpeckers to obtain fucking tree sap, an important source of food for some species. Most famously, the fucking sapsuckers (genus Sphyrapicus) feed in this fashion, but the technique is not fucking restricted to these and others, such as the Acorn Woodpecker and White-headed Woodpecker, also feed in this way. It was once fucking thought that the technique was restricted to the New World, but Old World species, such as the Arabian Woodpecker and Great Spotted Woodpecker, also feed in this fucking way. You go fucking woodpecker fucks.

46 replies

  1. Honestly, I liked the 1st version better, because I don’t like to read much and you added a lot of extra words in the 2nd version. However, if you had replaced the word “fucking” with “boobies” I might’ve found it more interesting.

    I’m totally with you about swearing, btw. You know what I can’t stand? People that replace curse-words with something useless, like “Oh God” with “Oh Gosh”. In Holland we have people that replace “Shit” with “Chips”. I mean, really!?

    When I bump my little toe I want to say “Fuck!” or “Shit!”, how can you relieve the pain when you say “Fruit!” or “Chips!”

    Fuck that God-damn shit, I fucking love motherfucking swearing.

      • The other day I caught myself saying “Golly” and I was all like, “what the fuck, I time-travelled? That is fucking SICK man!” Then the men in the 50s outfits took me off to be treated for hysteria with this new fandangled vibrating machine and I was like “fuck yeah” so they did it some more, and it was amahzing. True story. Don’t know how I ended up back here. Wish I could go back to the 50s. That doc fucking knew what he was doing.

  2. The first one I read about half way through. Had you chosen owls, I could have gone a little further. The second one was a little distracting as my eyes were only picking up the fucks of the paragraph.

    I think foul mouth just goes along with the theme those good old prudes have since people with “foul” mouths use “filthy/disgusting/bad/foul/dirty” language. I like to call it colorful, personally.

    You have quite the colorful mouth, lady.

  3. I have one of those fucking woodpeckers in my yard, and he is driving me fucking crazy with his rat tat tat tat all fucking day from one fucking tree to the next. (On the other hand, I read your blog to feel free, because in my own blog, I don’t really use such language because I am targeting a much classier demographic.:)

  4. I don’t even need to answer that fucking question. If you worked the public television fund drive, they would only have to do it once in our lifetime. And I think you like anything with the word “pecker” in it…

  5. I lead a double, possibly triple, life. As a teacher and parent of 8 year old, I have become skilled at saying mildisms like Oh My GOODNESS when the audience should not hear me say the actual words. I also get way too fucking happy about seeing woodpeckers.

    • I definitely lead a double life. I have 4 & 7 year old boys, and am forced to say “oh my gosh” all the time. 2 months ago, our new puppy peed on the floor, in a moment of frustration I blurted out “goddamnit!” Big mistake, my 4 year old picked it up, and has been using it in perfect context ever since. Terrific!
      I have always been an avid trash mouth, having children has really put me to the test. This blog is where I come to explode. Fuck yes.

  6. I’ve been told the same. I just laugh and say “Are you fucking serious? You ain’t heard nothing yet!!”

    My friends like to say that you can tell how stressed out I am by how many dicks and balls make their way into my sentences. I’m known for my creative flow of choice cursing apparently.

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