creative masturbation techniques, for women.

Due to the overwhelming response received for the male version of creative masturbation techniques, it is only fair that the I divulge some of the secret techniques of women. That’s right ladies, we’re up to bat.

I know a lot of women who like to masturbate, and by a lot, I mean almost all. There are a few women whom I have encountered who vehemently deny such clitoral shenanigans, to which I say, “are you crazy?” or “you’re a big fucking liar.” But the general consensus is this; we are masters at conducting our own orchestra pits.

Without further ado, I present you with Creative Masturbation Techniques for Women. Of course we all already know about cucumbers and all the other random shit that we are capable of shoving inside of ourselves, that is certainly no secret. The following are a few stories of vaginal creativity, one of which I have tested in the name of research, for quality assurance. You’re welcome.

The Swimming Pool

When Jackie first discovered the magical sensation rubbing her clitoris generated, she couldn’t get enough. This is true for most girls, but we grow tired of rubbing, and soon branch out in search of new and more exciting frontiers.

Jackie loved spending her summers at the country club pool with all of her friends. While the grown ups sat and gossiped, she was allowed the luxury of unlimited vending machine access, and long sunny days in the pool playing sharks and minnows with her friends.

One day Jackie swam over to the side of the pool to ask the lifeguard a question. As she grabbed on to the side, crossed her arms on the ledge and placed her chin on her hands, she felt what was soon to become her favorite pastime. There was a forceful jet of warm water flowing from the wall of the pool directly onto the crotch of her one-piece swimsuit. Jackie’s eyes widened in surprise and pleasure, and she inconspicuously shifted her ladyparts closer to the jet until positioned perfectly on her magic spot. Her face flushed, her legs trembled under water, and right there, in the highly occupied swimming pool, Jackie had her first jet-induced eye-rolling orgasm.

She was hooked. Numerous times every day, she would swim over to a jet under the guise of catching her breath on the side, and let one rip. One particularly horny day, she decided to pull the tight lycra of her swimsuit over to the side of her crotch to allow for direct contact of the jet to her magic button. Midway into her routine, she was jolted out of her masturbatory coma by a girl in swim goggles who had popped up beside her, “Eww! What are you doing??!!!” she exclaimed loudly. Jackie was mortified, she had her entire vagina exposed to the jet with one hand holding the crotch of her swimsuit to the side, there was no excuse. Flushed and frustrated, she turned to the girl and simply said, “try it!”

The remainder of the summer, at any given moment, you could find adolescent girls “resting” all over the sides of the pool.

The Wall-Mount

I don’t necessarily consider myself a prude by any means, but I had never heard of a wall mount until I met Amy. Years ago, I was out for happy hour with a bunch of girlfriends, and the topic had turned to sex. I know, shocker. Amy’s friend Michelle, after approximately 14 cocktails, started snort-laughing and shouted, “AMY! TELL THE WALL MOUNT STORY!” Instantly all the women were egging her on,“What’s a wall mount? TELL THE STORY!!!

Although Amy really loved her live-in boyfriend, apparently he fell short in the sexual satisfaction category. Like many women, she was a professional orgasm faker in order to save his self-esteem, but he was never able to bring her even remotely close to climax, unbeknownst to him of course.

She did what a lot of us do, which is to take care of business ourselves, in private. She was tired of the same old vibrator routine so she had gone to the adult video/supply store to expand her horizons. This was back in the day before online ordering, when we had to actually walk into a store, pick something out, take it to the counter, and pay for it. In person. It sucked.

So while perusing the store, she came across the Wall-Mount. Please, take a moment to familiarize yourself with this piece of equipment:

This came up in my Google search for “wall mounted dildo.” I wanted to share the fucking nightmare with you. I am particularly intrigued by the Nintendo DS, never know when you’ll want a quick game of Mario when you have a rubber dick in you! And is that sushi? You’re welcome.

Somehow Amy mustered the balls to walk up to the register with this thing and buy it. That image alone made me want to throw up in my mouth. But man, when she got it home, Amy was off to the fucking races! She stuck that fucker on her wall and backed up to it like it was Channing Tatum. She stuck it on the floor and bounced around on it like she was a child on a hoppy-horse. The bottom line was this; Amy was having a secret affair, with a rubber wall mounted dick.

When her boyfriend was out, she would remove it from the secret shoebox tucked in the back of her closet, lick the bottom, and stick that bad boy to the surface of choice and have herself a one woman party. One day, Amy had discovered that if she stuck it to a door, she could reach around and pull the door, thus increasing the force and adding a little more perverse excitement to her escapades.

She was so wrapped up in the moment of slamming the rubber door mounted dick into herself, that she did not realize her boyfriend popping in from around that door. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” He accused in shock and horror. I don’t know about you, but I definitely would’ve eaten a fistful of pills right there and taken a death nap. She was so shocked and embarrassed she couldn’t speak. He launched into a distraught rant, saying things like, “What, am I not good enough for you?!” and “How could you!?” The dude actually said to her, “You love that goddamned thing more than me!” With tears of insane jealousy in is eyes.

The sad truth was, she did.

Ladies and gentlemen, don’t be shy. Share a story or technique that you or “someone else” has tried. It’s like poop stories, everybody has at least one. Give back to the community, you’ll be glad you did.

88 replies

    • They are not necessarily crazy or lying. Maybe it just has to do with the fact that touching doesn’t feel good unless it’s someone else doing it. I think it’s like trying to tickle yourself. Please don’t tell me that you uncontrolably pee in your pants from laughing every time you tickle yourself.

      • ps. that’s not to say that a massaging device doesn’t work bc it does. But not from touching myself directly. Is there something wrong with me?

  1. Ohhh I know an Amy, and her story is really similar to the Amy you mentioned, although my Amy was not caught by her bf but by her mom’s bf. That family was never the same.
    I’m reading this at work and this “I don’t know about you, but I definitely would’ve eaten a fistful of pills right there and taken a death nap.”
    My coworker look at me and her surprise was to see a dildo on my screen, I had to explain her and share it, she may share her story in here later.

  2. Why did someone feel compelled to take a photo of that bathtub scene? Was it the person using it, or someone trying to turn them in to the pervert police? The pp I would understand more, cause who would – just why would they – just, what am I saying? I mean, having your secret pasttime is one thing (although I never, ever do myself hahaha) but taking a picture of it? Does he keep it in his (her?) wallet? There are some insane people out there on the internetz.

  3. My favorite is that late night commercial for the vibrator, narrated by the 70-year-old woman who actually giggles about owning one herself. It’s so absurd. I would have loved to have been at the meeting where that was the best choice. LOL.

  4. Thought number one: Take a weird picture of my bathtub.
    Thought number two: Put it on the internet
    Those two thoughts should not immediately follow each other, but my aching sides are so glad that there are people who have them.
    All my embarrassing stories involve pee – can’t think of one involving masturbation – I think I might be doing it wrong.

      • It may well be. LMAO!

        Did you notice what everything is sitting on? Is that one of those roll-up doors from a storage unit? I think CSI should be notified about this picture, LOL!

        • no shit, I thought that thing was like an aluminum rolldown hurricane windowshade. she/he/it really went to a lot of trouble setting up their evening of perversity. I can just imagine her/his/it’s to-do list:

          1. fill bathtub with 4″ of water.
          2. take down hurricane window shade and roll it over tub.
          3. LOOK FOR A JOB! spread out want ad’s.
          4. don’t forget your laptop and a pen.
          5. Coke zero and a fifth of Jim Beam in an old soda bottle.
          6. Sushi
          7. Gigantic rubber dick, stick it to the wall.
          8. Pregnancy test (just in case!)
          9. Nintendo DS Mario Kart
          10. set alarm clock on soap dish holder, in case I fall asleep.

  5. If she becomes impregnated by the rubber dick in the bathtub, do you think she will have a chance of birthing a rubber duckie? I think it’s a valid question given the bizarre setting/scenario. LOL.

  6. wow…this post, and the comments…just made my day. Ummmm, I have a bazillion masturbatory stories…one involves getting caught humping a pole by my Grandma and Mom after looking at my Uncle’s Playboy…I was like 7…they were horrified. I thought: ‘That’s what you get for spying on me’. And they GRILLED me later for EVER…and I would not break…they kept asking me WHYWHYWHY? I was all…’cuz it tickles.’ – That’s still a good reason in my opinion. (And I just laughed my ass off thinking about changing my age from 7 to 37 and what a different story this would read as…THANKS for the wonderful/perfect set up/awful/can’t look away photo you included.. LOVE IT

  7. Hahahaha…I…bahahahaha! I have nothing intelligent or self-incriminating to add here. I just wanted you to know how much I am laughing right now.

  8. This was so fucking entertaining I laughed my ass off, glued it back on and continued to laugh a little. Followed by some chuckles.

    Everyone who says they never masturbate are liars. It’s biologically proven that every human being NEEDS to masturbate to understand how his/her sexual organs work. We are creatures that learn through failure, just like we learn how to walk by falling, we learn to fuck by self-abuse. And now, YOU’RE WELCOME!

  9. Let me see if I have this straight. Men can be replaced by a rubber dick mounted to a bathtub wall. The rubber dick is never late, never makes excuses, always performs and doesn’t fart or ask for beer. On the other hand, neither the rubber dick nor the man listens to anything you are saying.

  10. was her boyfriend really too stupid to fuck her throat while she was backing up on the wall mount? what a douche. i would marry her without even seeing her.

  11. I use my sonic care toothbrush! I put o rubber glove on it a little lubricant and rub it over my clit for and oragasm is 2 to 4 minutes, love it!

  12. God I laughed so hard when I read the boyfriend walking in on his girlfriend with the wallmount on the door ROTFL I can just picture her up against the door slamming the door against herself and all of a sudden she looks over and her boyfriend is standing there wide eyed god I was cracking up, crying, and laughing hystaricly :D

  13. God I laughed so hard when I read the boyfriend walking in on his girlfriend with the wallmount on the door ROTFL I can just picture her up against the door slamming the door against herself and all of a sudden she looks over and her boyfriend is standing there wide eyed god I was cracking up, crying, and laughing hystaricly

  14. God I laughed so hard when I read the boyfriend walking in on his girlfriend with the wallmount on the door ROTFL I can just picture her up against the door slamming the door against herself and all of a sudden she looks over and her boyfriend is standing there wide eyed god I was cracking up, crying, and laughing hystaricly! :D

  15. Does it look like the water faucet is not over the tub? I’ve just been staring at that pic like its one of those hidden treasure game scenes! Perplexing!!

  16. I can’t explain how but I got a plastic syringe.
    I had no idea what to do with it so I got adventurerous, and (without the needle) stickier inside of me. It had little handles so I was able to go so fast that I had orgasmed only minuets into my session,

  17. damn I wish I was old enough to get 1 of those. Hey I’m gonna offer someone to bye me 1 and ill send u da results by video.

  18. Hi my name susan!!. I gave my frst blowjob at 17 almost 18, well it was like handjob and a littlebit of bliwjob, any way, the story goes like this.
    I was with him in his new car and the thing got exited and in a blink i had his “thing” in my hand, i gave him alittle blow job and he wanted it harder so y started to use my hand cuz i couldnt go harder wht my mouth. I rubbed si hard and i thought he was enjoing it, and suddenly he says NOT THAT HARD so i stopped, and he started to bleed out! It was the most embarrasing thing i have been through. The car seat was a mess, i tried to clean it up and failed, so he told his parents that ive had my period… I wanted to kill myself in that second…we broke up some weeks later…

  19. So first off im a human on human virgin at age 20. But. I have a lot of great ways of getting off. I am female. First a removable shower head. Put iton shower setting or drip and while laying/ standing run it everywhere to get going and turn to jet to get off.
    Get under ur tub faucet and let it pour however fast into u.
    These. Two are tricky. Get a dido just small enough to go in u but not all the way. And vibrats really great. Go either horse back riding. Four wheeling or get on ur washer stuck in spin mode with ur dido. Yes u can b clothed. I made one at home that moves. I hook it around my waist coming in from behind and ill lay on my stomach while it pumps rotates. And vibrates really fast all the time rubbing my clot. Try them and let me know what u think.

  20. My two cents: It’s a male. Look at how the “ahemmm” is placed. How is that going to work for a woman? Ok well nevermind it could work backwords. Which leads me to my first train of thought. And the rolly thing is something people in Japan use in their tubs I think. But who in the world does all of that in the tub? That’s a lot of work going on in the tub. Or are they recording? ICK! It’s as if they live in there.

  21. I don’t have a good diddling story, but I’m commenting because I’m very curious about that wall mount picture. First that someone took it and put it on the Internet and second, is the plan to have it bang into your head while you type on your laptop?

  22. Omg I am laughing. That picture is so wrong. I need to check out your pages more often. Maybe I will share my own story later

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