Halloween, what a fucking weird ass holiday. Why not make it a full-on day to un-teach our children everything we’ve taught them.
The day would go something like this:
Wake up, have a big bowl of candy for breakfast, don’t brush, wash it down with a Coke. Have a quick demonstration on how to make and shoot proper spit balls. Make it clear they are not allowed to flush a toilet or put a seat down all day. Have them throw their homework in the trash and head off to school. Do not wear seat belts, have the children stand on the back seat with their heads out of the sunroof while giving middle fingers to the passing cars.
When you drop them off, tell them to burp and fart as much as possible all day. Teach them to say “whateves bitch” to their teachers and encourage the use of profanity. Tell them to have a nice nap on their desks while the teacher is talking. Remind them to use their new spit-balling skills in the cafeteria for lunch. And don’t forget, extra points for bullying! Tell him or her if they can bring another child to tears that they will be allowed to stay up all night playing Xbox.
When you return to pick them up from school, have them hang out the windows, unbuckled, while using any curse words they know of. Hand out candies to them for the really bad ones. Once home, have them spit on their homework and throw it in the trash. Encourage them to pick their noses, bonus points for eating it. Feed them more candy and soda and let them play Wii for hours. Allow them to beat each other freely. Perhaps teach them how to smoke or drink whiskey. Make sure there is a lot of name-calling going on and fully encourage back-talk.
Now that it’s nice and dark, let’s dress you up in a costume, and in the spirit of all things dead, send you out to knock on the doors of strangers for candy. The price of this candy will be enduring the skeletons, vampires, spider webs, tombstones, ghosts and bloody scary shit that will jump out at you and make you shit your pants and give you horrible nightmares for the next two weeks.
Happy Halloween! Trick or Treat!
Categories: Big Ideas