loss, recovery, gratitude, and new beginnings

As I awoke this morning, a cheshire-like grin spread across my face as I reflected, and set my intentions for the day. I laid in bed, looking out of my bedroom window, the particular window which I have looked out of every morning for the past 3 1/2 years, for one of the very last times. My view will change this weekend, literally, figuratively and metaphorically.

Today marks a new beginning.

I poured my coffee into my last remaining unpacked mug, and sat at my desk, in front of my computer, in the room where I have written everything. I felt like Carrie from Sex and the City, without the sex, or the city. My computer will be packed today, this room is one of the last functioning areas still in tact. I am filled with overwhelming gratitude.

Although this year has been one of tremendous loss and pain, the flip side is where I stand right now. Happy, sober, fulfilled and content in a way I never thought possible. My own skin finally fits me, it is not itchy or uncomfortable, not too tight or too hot. It is perfect, it is right where I am meant to be, and it feels good for the first time. I have no desire to escape it.

The lessons have been vast and arching. I have walked through them, suffered and learned, and felt all of the emotion attached to them. I have arrived, relatively unscathed, on the other side. Not filled with bitterness or anger, resentment or pain. That would have been my old MO, laced with a heavy dose of self-pity and saturated with vodka. I have listened, I have heard, I have felt the weight of my emotion purely, and have developed the tools to handle them like an adult, rather than an impetuous child.

Today I closed on my new house, and begin writing the next chapter of my new life. My path has led me here, and right here, right now, is filled with promise.

My two sons have been my lifeline. They are my greatest teachers. From them I learn about patience, understanding, gratitude, humility, and forgiveness every day. We laugh and love, learn and grow together. We are all examples for each other. We hold tight and run free together. They teach me about who I really am, I am reflected in their little faces. It is the greatest miracle of all. They look up to me, depend on me, and have such immense love for me, what in the world is greater or more meaningful than the love and respect of your children? Knowing you are setting an example that you can be proud of, leading by positive example in helping to shape their little worlds. We are unique pieces of the same puzzle and I am so grateful to be the fully present Mother that I am today.

The past is gone. Onwards and upwards.

24 replies

  1. Best of luck on your new beginning. I am really proud of you and still hope to see you often. xoxo

    Jennifer Casey

    • Jennifer,
      Thanks so much, obviously it’s been quite a year, for many reasons, but I’ll never forget my peeps from the hood! I am only 3 miles away for god’s sake!
      xo
      Tracy

  2. Wishing you best of luck with your new beginning. I recently heard a quote “home is not where you live, but where they understand you.” Thought it fitting for your post

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