Sometimes I just have to get the fuck out of my own way.
You see, I am somewhat of a control freak, and by somewhat, I mean total. I know this and it is a work in progress, every minute of every day I work on letting go of the illusion that I can control anything and try to turn my will over to a power greater than myself. This is not religious rhetoric. This is a simple belief in a power greater than myself. It is something I will never fully understand or comprehend, I suppose that’s what you call faith.
My MO has always been to figure out how I think I would like things to be, and then take steps to control people, events and emotions to arrive at that desired outcome. I believed that was called motivation, drive, willpower. Rarely if ever did the outcome unfold the way I wanted it, and if it did, I found out that what I thought I wanted was not at all what I needed.
I have learned that there is a difference in making a choice, or decision, and trying to control an outcome by calculated measures. Before this realization, my so-called choices and decisions were all derived from speculative outcomes born of fantasy and illusion.
Therefore, these were never real choices, only real delusions.
I have discovered this was the parasitic root of most of my paralyzing depression, anxiety, and subsequent panic attacks. Throw alcoholism and pill-popping on top of it and you the recipe for repeated crisis. All of those expectations were just houses of cards waiting to topple over and become disappointments and resentments. My life was lived in the past and the future. I currently live in reality, where I gratefully accept – and am satisfied by – the beauty of the present.
A good friend recently said the words, “just roll over and float.” I cannot even begin to describe what a tremendous and profound impact those 5 little words have had on my life. They have become my mantra. I have spent my life fighting in the quicksand, and now, I understand that I can lay on my back, feel the sunshine on my face, and let the current carry me where it will.
This means making a decision based on the now. How will it effect me or others now, not tomorrow, not down the road, now. My only desired outcome needs to be goodness, love, respect and honorableness. If all of those are in tact, the rest will come to fruition beautifully, because the seeds of good intention have been sown.
Make the right choice, live in the moment, be grateful, show humility, and most importantly…roll over and float.