You are all the most awesome fucking readers ever. I’m going to buy you all dinner, take you away for a spa weekend, and give you all happy endings.
Your feedback and critiques were beyond helpful and all spot on. It’s easy for me to sit down and write 100000000 words, but limit me to 3 paragraphs and I become a fragmented train wreck.
“I have made this letter longer, because I have not had the time to make it shorter.” ~Blaise Pascal
Thanks for reeling me in.
Round 2…here we go, same deal…weigh in, I can take it.
xoxo to all of you.
Dear Mr/Mrs.__________________,
As a self-deprecating recovering alcoholic, I often wear a very tight tee-shirt emblazoned with a bulls-eye, the fabric of which is woven from a magical blend of inappropriate humor, fearless observation, filter-less living, empirical wit, and irreverent sarcasm.
The Monkey’s Off My Back But The Circus Is Still In Town is a collection of comedic short essays. As a direct result of my deformed emotions, numerous character defects, desperate narcissism, and poor decision-making, I will undoubtedly save at least four people in the world. Serious time and agony can be avoided with the cliffs notes of my personal misfortune in hand. I say what people think, or don’t think, but in a way that will make you snort-laugh in spite of yourself. I will ultimately laugh at anyone’s expense, just as I laugh at my own. It’s my special way of showing love; it means that I like and respect you enough to laugh at your shit, too. We are all flawed and fucked up and at times are perfect targets for the butt of a great joke. I will capitalize on that–I guarantee it–the result will be warm tears running down your legs.
To the people of the world, I say, “You’re welcome.”
My stories are 100% true, self-narrated encounters, unbelievable occurrences, and opinionated observations that have taken place throughout my 41 years, 28 of which were peppered with high-functioning drug and alcohol abuse. I got sober November 9, 2011; the fog lifted, and I began vomiting my life. Now when someone asks if they can buy me a drink, I just say, “No but I’ll take the 8 bucks,” like I learned in finishing school. As an egomaniac with an inferiority complex, the best way to describe my writing style would be this: If Chelsea Handler and Jenny McCarthy had a baby with David Sedaris’ semen who was then raised by Augusten Burroughs, I would be that fucked-up baby.
Sincere thanks for your time and consideration. I’ve included an outline, table of contents, and sample chapters for your review. I’ll be waiting around like a meth-head in a standing still contest for your reply.
Sincerely,
Tracy Fulks
I liked the last one, but this one is better.
I don’t think egomaniac is a hypenated word, but what do I know?
I would put a comma after shit and before too in the second paragraph sentence that begins, “In my special way…”, but I have been known to be slightly “comma happy”.
I would end the sentence in the fourth paragraph that begins, “If Chelsea Handler…” after baby, and have the next sentence read: “That’s my target audience.”
Good luck!!!
And done! You are my new editor, here’s your imaginary check. Thank you!!
Thanks.
I’m sure that I could never proofread for a living, as I cannot even read poorly written blogs. I would have to have a 2″ x 4″ or a hammer at the ready, you know, for hitting myself upside the head, if I had that job.
Keep up the good work!!!
I think this just upped the ante. Now I will own the book, but tell people you are my crazy cousin.
I would put a comma behind no in “no but I’ll take the eight bucks”. That’s the only thing that stood out to me.
What? I’m not you’re crazy cousin?
That’s settled then.
Amen.
hi,
I think this is much better.
Tiny dumb stuff which you may or may not choose to care about or agree with, and of course none of it would matter except for the context of what you are doing with this letter:
filter-less = you might want to go with no hyphen? but maybe you did that by choice.
“No, but I’ll take the 8 bucks.”
vomiting my life = vomiting up my life? or vomiting back up my life? hmmm…vomiting my life back up? something….
and “cliff-notes” is technically Cliffs Notes, but you could just leave out the hyphen.
maybe not…just some details…dang, I’m not really that anal in real life. but you asked.
-chris
It’s a great letter. I didn’t read the first one in time to comment, but now that I see it, it’s good that you reeled it in.
Here’s my professional opinion:
-comma after desperate narcissism.
-although I like this sentence,
“As a direct result of deformed emotions, numerous character defects, desperate narcissism, and poor decision-making, my insight will undoubtedly save at least four people in the world some serious time and agony by presenting them with the valuable cliff-notes of my personal misfortune.”
it’s a little long. By time I got to the end, I had forgotten what you were saying at the beginning, and I’m not sure it makes sense. Is your insight presenting them with something, or are you?
Try: “As a direct result of my deformed emotions, numerous character defects, desperate narcissism, and poor decision-making, I will undoubtedly save at least four people in the world. Serious time and agony can be avoided with the cliffs notes of my personal misfortune in hand.”
Now– it’s also like a more direct sales pitch. Many other variations could work too, I just think the original way is a bit confusing. Also, its cliffs notes.
- This is a comma splice: “It’s my special way of showing love, it means that I like you and respect you enough to laugh at your shit, too. ”
Try using a semicolon instead. “It’s my special way of showing love; it means that I like you and respect you enough to laugh at your shit, too.”
-The phrase “shower like a rape victim,” is too much for me personally. If I were reading it, that’s where I’d think you’d jumped the shark. But if you’re committed to it and think it will help sell you, then go for it. I really can’t say what the publishers will think. You could be right on target.
-”I will capitalize on that, I guarantee it, the result of which is typically warm tears running down your legs.”
If you are going with future tense, do it for the entire sentence, and maybe consider offsetting that sentence within a sentence with dashes.
“I will capitalize on that–I guarantee it–the result will be warm tears running down your legs.”
-To the people of the world, I say, “You’re welcome.”
-high-functioning drug and alcohol abuse
-I got sober November 9, 2011; the fog lifted, and I began vomiting my life.
-Now when someone asks if they can buy me a drink, I just say, “No but I’ll take the 8 bucks,” like I learned in finishing school.
Punctuation goes in the quotes, capitalize the sentence in the quote.
-Egomaniac is not a compound hyphenate
-If Chelsea Handler and Jenny McCarthy had a baby with the semen procured from David Sedaris, whom Augusten Burroughs raised, I would be that fucked up baby. Right there’s my target audience.
Because you made “whom Augusten Burroughs raised” an appositive between commas, it implies that Augusten Burroughs raised David Sedaris. This sentence needs to be redone because its confusing. I had to read it several times before I knew what you meant.
“If Chelsea Handler and Jenny McCarthy had a baby with semen procured from David Sedaris and then raised by Augusten Burroughs, I would be that fucked up baby.”
or, “If Chelsea Handler and Jenny McCarthy had a baby with David Sedaris’ semen who was then raised by Augusten Burroughs, I would be that fucked-up baby.”
You’ll have to work with it– but I think it can be done. I’m also not getting the “Right there’s my target audience,”– Who is–the baby? Yourself? Since you’re that baby?
Lastly, you have two spaces after every period. This implies that you may have learned to type on a typewriter.
I hope you get published! I would buy the shit out of this book!
I love the shit out of you. Can I send you five dollars? You’re smart. I did learn to type on a typewriter. I also went to art school, which is why I’m such a skilled writer.
seriously, I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to write all that, will you be my editor? i would pay you real money, not pretend.
Hah- I’d love to be your editor. Don’t send me five dollars. I do it for fun. It was a nice break from reading terrible thesis statements.
You ARE a very good writer though. I am just very crazy.
You are crazy in the best way possible. I’m going to bombard you now that you gave me the thumbs up…we will have to meet for coffee sometime and I would seriously pay you to edit my sample chapters…for true.
I’m glad Samantha dropped in, she’s way smarter than I am!
Her brain is humongous!
And, um, now I know that two spaces after a period is old skool?!?!
No. Shit.
and Tracy, I think Samantha just said she’d edit your work for free!!!!!
And Chris, don’t I know it!
I would totally buy this book if only to make myself feel better to know that I’m not alone in my idiosyncrasies…..
what a huge compliment, because that’s a big part of it…we are not alone, there are plenty of “us” out there. Thank you.
The word “monkey” is kind of strong… just kidding – good revision. Seems like everyone gave you the grammar-low down so no sense repeating it.
For $12 I’ll give you my full opinion
Good luck – I cannot wait to read your book ~
The Primate is off my back…
I’ll be sending you $12.
God I hope I have a real book for you to read one day…
Me too – let me know how it goes – and I’m curious about self-publishing. My friend went that route. I’ve just started a book type thing – so I’ll be following your progress to see how it susses out.
I will see that $12 and raise you $500…get to it, woman.
Great letter, but have to agree with the shower after a rape line. I’d lose it. You just never know what that might conjure up for the person reading your pitch.
Best of luck!
(For the record, I learned to type on an ancient manual typewriter my mom picked up at a garage sale. I still do two spaces at the end of a sentence. I didn’t know it was now considered a no-no, rather than not necessary.)
ok ok ok…I lost it. Popular consensus
Great post. Great blog.
Thank you, and thank you.
Especially love the last sentence!
Thanks, it’s one of my fave’s too.
Yeah, even better. It is so sweet the way people are giving such specific and targeted feedback.
I know! What an amazing bunch of readers.
Bingo, baby.
Thanks my dear.