Would you want to read this book/author?
Honestly, seriously…I’m fishing for honesty. I have thick skin.
Suggestions, criticism, opinions are welcomed, encouraged and NEEDED!!! This is rough, and I’ve written and rewritten so many times I’m cross-eyed.
Dear Mr/Mrs.__________________,
As a self-deprecating recovering alcoholic, I often wear a very tight tee-shirt emblazoned with a bulls-eye, the fabric of which is woven from a magical blend of inappropriate humor, poor choices, filter-less living, empirical wit, and irreverent sarcasm typically resulting in the warm joy of tears running down your legs.
The Monkey’s Off My Back But The Circus Is Still In Town is a collection of comedic short essays. Every morning as I kick my feet up on my leather ottoman and take my first sip of freshly pressed dark roasted coffee, I experience a deep gratitude, akin to that of a distended bellied third-world child who has just gotten his monthly bowl of rice. On the days I’m not feeling quite so humble and empathetic, I’ve learned to pick myself up by riding around Wal-Mart in a motorized scooter, filling the basket with exercise equipment and high-heels while smiling like a retard at a water park and swinging my legs off the sides. The disgusted looks I receive as I cruise by are a pretty awesome substitute for antidepressants. Sometimes my kids yell at me for using bad words and then they try to use them themselves. Sometimes I make Hot Sauce Popsicles For Disobedient Children. As a direct result of poor decision-making, my insight will undoubtedly save the single women of the world some serious time and agony by presenting them with the valuable cliff-notes of my personal misfortune. To illustrate this point, there is a 99% probability rate that if a guy shows up for a first date in a golf shoes, that he will order an O’Doul’s, talk a lot about “the back nine” and his “fucking ex-wife”, take 12 phone calls, have a blow and go installed in his Lexus, like a finger in his ass and ejaculate prematurely. To the women of the world, I say “You’re Welcome.”
My stories are 100% true, self-narrated encounters, unbelievable occurrences, and opinionated observations that have taken place throughout my 41 years, 28 of which were peppered with highly functioning alcohol and drug abuse. I got sober November 9, 2011, the fog lifted, and I began vomiting my life. Now when someone asks if they can buy me a drink, I just say, “no but I’ll take the 8 bucks”, like I learned in finishing school. As an ego-maniac with an inferiority complex, the best way to describe my writing style would be this: If Chelsea Handler and Jenny McCarthy had a baby with the semen procured from David Sedaris, whom Augusten Burroughs raised, I would be that fucked up baby. Right there’s my target audience.
Sincere thanks for your time and consideration. I’ve included an outline, table of contents, and sample chapters for your review. I’ll be waiting around like a meth-head in a standing still contest for your reply.
Sincerely,
Tracy Fulks
I would read that. I might have to put it on my Nook, so no one could see, but I would read it nonetheless.
Sneaky LDS convert you.
I think we are like sisters, except I was never an alcoholic. I was just born warped. I’d read your book.
you can be my sober, more responsible slightly less fucked up sister.
I would read anything you write. You are an inspiration and make me laugh because I haven’t been so F_ _ _ ing perfect!
you are the best fucking imperfect neighbors’ mom in all the land.
I would remove the “To illustrate this point…” sentence. Other than that, I think it’s great.
I hope this is the kind of feedback you wanted.
Thanks, yes it is. So what would you say instead?
Nothing. I think that the previous sentence sets up the “To the women of the world…” sentence beautifully. I know where you were going with the “To illustrate…” sentence, I just don’t think you need it. Also, I think that comes from one of your best pieces; it loses some of it’s context here.
Of course, this is just my opinion. Feel free to ignore it. I love your writing. I would love to see you share it in book form!
man do i appreciate that. i need fresh eyes, you’re right. thanks!
Beyond happy to help!
you’re awesome.
I would definitely read your book! I love it when I receive your blog posts at work – they keep me entertained!
I would want to see more if that came across my imaginary publisher’s desk. You have offended 75% of the population, and only half of the remaining 25% are literate, but that little army of Fulksheads will be rabid in their fandom.
The two sentence blurb about your savage children is hilarious, but seems kind of stuck on. If it were my piece, and it isn’t, I,d either link it better to the previous content, or leave it out and use that scandalous gold at another time.
You sure as hell have a voice, and you’re funny as tits. My guess is you’ll get noticed.
Sara, just when I thought I couldn’t love you any more…
will you be my editor? you’re imaginary hired.
No wonder you’re all freshly pressed and shit.
I imaginary accept! Here’s a pretend advance on that book, while we’re at it.
Sending you an imaginary hug, and cashing the pretend advance.
Hell yeah I’d read that!
Hell yeah I love you!
I think you’re funny as hell. You definitely got my attention. Honestly, I think it could be shorter. All you need for them is read your book. Save it for the book. I think less is more in this case. This is just my instinct talking.
I know, that’s the hardest part…I’m too wordy. My dilemma is that I don’t want to just say “hey, I’m funny”, I want them to laugh. I need to reel it in…sincere thanks for your input.
It is funny, too! I like your approach a lot, so I wouldn’t change your method. Best of luck to you.
thanks so much!
I say go for it. You are original…funny…and you definitely have something to say.
Annie, thanks for the push…it’s appreciated.
Your blog has grown on me like a fungus, so in the interest of continuing to eat free mushrooms, here’s my 2 cents:
Intro : While hilarious seems a little cluttered. Wordy
Rest of it: Portrays what I have read pretty accurately and in a funny way, but I think maybe save some of it for the work? You have included (in my opinion) some of your best lines, i.e. references to crying privates, that could maybe have more effect if read after.
Best of luck with this venture, and can’t wait for the next round of shit-grown delicacies. Cheers!
Man, do I have the most awesome readers! I’m so grateful for the honest criticism coming back, your points are poignant and spot on. I have no problem writing 100000 words, but when I have to sum it all up in a few paragraphs I suddenly become a fractured train wreck.
I’m excited to take all of these comments (which all seem to be saying the same thing) and rewrite.
Thanks so much for taking the time to critique. You rock.
Hi Tracy,
I am a fan of your writing. Hell, I put you on my blog roll immediately! I like you when you’re being funny and irreverent, and I also like you when you’re being real and poignant and true about your struggles. Like others, I am sure you will get noticed, because you are talented.
My opinion is that your letter needs a little re-working, it seems a little rough to me, mostly in the long second paragraph. It’s a little jerky. You introduce yourself nicely in the first paragraph, then go on to introduce the book in the first sentence of the second paragraph. But then you get a little tangential with “Every morning I….” and on down to the part about your kids, and that all seems a little lost. I think you are just trying to explain more about who you are in a funny way…but like someone said above, it seems a little ‘stuck on’. Then after the bit about your kids and the popsicles, you get back on track talking about how your experiences could help others and you illustrate this point, again humorously…and then the rest makes sense…talking about your stories and signing off…
You asked for criticism, so I thought I’d give you my honest feedback. I would probably just shorten that longer paragraph up and leave some of it out. If I was reading your letter I would be impatient to get to your sample chapters….
cheers! Chris
Chris, as I replied to islandsidechronicles:
Man, do I have the most awesome readers! I’m so grateful for the honest criticism coming back, your points are poignant and spot on. I have no problem writing 100000 words, but when I have to sum it all up in a few paragraphs I suddenly become a fractured train wreck.
I’m excited to take all of these comments (which all seem to be saying the same thing) and rewrite.
Thanks so much for taking the time to critique.
I am your target audience. You fucking kill me.
You fucking kill me back.
Due to the fact that everyone alive seems to have some degree of ADD, I am always so aware of wanting to keep things on the shorter side, probably to a fault. Your voice comes through so clearly that I feel like you could afford to pare down where it doesn’t feel spot-on to you, and it would shine that much more brightly.
so what do you think of the revised version (next post)?
YES! Write it! Write it now so I can read it!
I feel like I may not have been such a drunken and drug-abusing slut myself with a book like this! Then again I’ve never been the type to learn vicariously . . .
On a more serious note, I really do love this! The part about riding around in wal-mart gives me a strong visual image, and I laugh my ass off every time I think about it!
I would consider starting it with Dear Sir or Madame as I think the formality juxtaposes well with your writing style.
Second paragraph should read golf shoes (typo, I’m assuming it originally read “a pair of”)
While I really like the distended-belly description, it reads better out loud than it does silently. The sentence is complex as it is, so it might be more effective to take out the extra descriptor.
You could fix the “to illustrate this point” thing (going off the other comments now) by doing this:
of my personal misfortune: there is a 99% probability rate that if a guy shows up for a first date in a golf shoes,
Using the colon lets the reader know the next sentence is related to the first, so simply use it and take out “to illustrate . . .” and leave the rest the same.
Instead of “the disgusted looks I receive as I cruise by” try “while cruising by”. It is less confusing to the reader.
Sometimes my kids yell at me for using bad words and then they try to use them themselves.–> Sometimes my kids yell at me for using bad words only to try them out later for themselves. I’m not sure I like my rewrite any better, but I was confused at this sentence on first read through
Hope this helps! I also hope I haven’t crossed any boundaries or offended you in any way, everything is merely a suggestion and I think the piece is awesome as is!