I was sorting through the 9000 random files that seem to clutter up my desktop, organizing, deleting…and I stumbled upon this. I forgot I had ever written it, just a rant I had written about 6 weeks after I first got sober. I was such a fucking mess inside, and this just brought back the emotional chaos and realization that comes from the weighty understanding that you are indeed an alcoholic and addict. The cloud starts to lift for the first time in decades, and every emotional nerve in your body is bleeding and raw.
November 9th will be my 1 year anniversary, this took me back to a place I hope to never be again.
I thought I’d share it. I’m not so funny today.
I’ve walked through miles of denial hid behind a smile tuck away the pain the shame the dread the eyes so red behind the sunglasses from too many glasses the night before the vodka poured and kept on pouring the ice the lemons always luring me in I would never win just washed it down my liquid friend always there without a care never judging ever present at the parties at the bar behind the counter never far dulling out the things we don’t want to see or feel softening the edges all the while pushing us to ledges the fall is glorious or so it seems when clouded by our broken dreams depression too blinded by it all to learn the lesson that our happiness is in our hands not the bottle drinking full throttle telling jokes and lighting smokes hide behind the smile time to chip away at that denial take a look deep down inside to see the illusion you have made the lies you’ve spun to everyone you friends your husband your kids yourself put that bottle back up on the shelf look a little deeper face your fear and feel the life begin to rush back in a wave your eyes now clear feeling the empowerment of overcoming all that fear hanging up the old excuses the abuses you have done to your body mind and spirit start to heal to feel to see that simple pleasures set you free give you hope and strength and pride to be waking up inside leave behind the many crutches you thought you needed but never did blinded for so many reasons for so long like repeating over and over the same song, with the same ending, change the music start the mending of the soul the heart the mind and happiness is close behind my eyes are clear and white and bright, I’ll make it through another night.