Willard Herman Scott, Jr.

I have mentioned my particular aversion to the aforementioned on numerous occasions.  But now, thanks to a comment from my astute blogging buddy Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher, I have been enlightened to the fact that Willard used to be an actual clown.

Just The Facts

1. Willard Scott was the original Ronald McDonald and he played Bozo the Clown. Holy shit.
2. He now works for the Today Show, where he announces the birthdays of the oldest people in the country.
3. Willard has clearly found the Fountain of Youth.

Along with stealing the title of Biggest Fucking Nutjob from Al Roker, Willard Scott also occasionally fills in as the weather reporter of the Today Show. When not making Al cry in his dressing room for taking everything from him, Scott is resident retard on the show, recognizing birthdays of the oldest people in the United States and naming the jelly of the day.

Willard’s birth certificate states he was born in 1934. Upon doing some research, I’ve discovered that this is about the time he developed dementia and 1934 was the only year he could remember at the time. In the 1950′s and 1960′s, he played everyone’s childhood nightmare, Bozo the Clown before going on to be America’s most-recognized fast food mascot, Ronald McDonald. Scott was later named the Most Frightening Man in the United States. When Willard finished scaring the shit out of children everywhere, he moved to work on the Today Show where he scared the shit out of everyone everywhere by being downright crazy. These days he is still scaring all viewers of the Today Show shitless, although he has the most pointless job on the show. He is stationed in Washington, D.C., presumably because none of the core staff of the show want to put up with his antics.

As I have referenced in previous posts, “I would have rather had someone shove a dirty stick in my rectum while simultaneously watching Willard Scott present his Smuckers Jam segment on a loop.”  Yes, she’s 103 years old, and I’m sure she’s a whipper-snapper. And she just loves the Smuckers. But for just one moment can you pretend to climb down from Big Rock Candy Mountain and live with us suffering, cynical humans for a while? It just ain’t that gosh-darn cheery, man….

A CLOWN…he just can’t get any more fucked up in my mind.  It’s like someone telling you the boogeyman whom you’ve always been afraid of has just grown 10 feet taller and will be residing in the closet at the foot of your bed, where he will come out to dream-rape you nightly for all eternity.

Willard Scott has been alive since the dawn of time. He reached fame through his work on television, radio and being a fucking tool.  Yet still, he is not well-known today and no one truly gives a shit.