I joined a gym about a month ago.
I know, I know, shut it.
The difference this time than my other 9000 attempts is that I’m actually GOING. I am a professional at buying Boot Camp class Groupons and 60 day memberships through Living Social deals and never using them. Seriously, I may as well have flushed those dollars right down the toilet. I would tell myself as I ate my BLT in front of the computer how awesome it was going to be, I was going to do Boot Camp for a month and be totally ripped. Click. Purchase.
Now, I guess all this being sober business has finally gotten the best of me and it’s time to transfer my addiction elsewhere. I figured the gym would be a great place, and I was right.
Here’s the thing, I’ll let you in on a little secret…come close…as alcoholics and addicts we are really addicted to one thing, and that’s more.
So, I got myself a trainer and am doing weights and cardio classes 4-5 times a week and it is kicking my ass. I makes all those wonderful brain chemicals come out and play and sing and dance and I really feel fucking awesome after I go, but yes, getting there can still be a bitch of a battle.
But I hate the fucking elliptical, HATE IT. I’d rather get analy raped with a tree branch by Willard Scott than get on that thing. I can do the treadmill for a while but it’s boring as fuck. And there is one thing I hate above all others, and that is running. The only time I ever enjoyed running was if I was chasing a ball playing a sport. If I could hire a group of rapists to chase me I’d probably be a killer runner though. What a great business idea, 1-800-Hire A Rapist : Running Through Fear.
Did I mention I smoke? Yeah, about a pack a day. I know haters, shut it, I think it causes Cancer or something, yeah yeah yeah. One vice at a time for the love of cock.
It does make the cardio a little (lot) more challenging. Here I am in a Step class, breathing like I just ran the Boston Marathon 4 minutes in. Then I spend the rest of the hour just trying not to die. I like that I have to concentrate on all the moves up and down and over because it really helps to distract me from the fact that I’m about to have a cardiac arrest. That’s why I do those classes though, because I’m OCD competitive and I would literally drop dead before I would walk out of a class. So I just stare at my feet and will them up and down that step for an hour without tripping or falling, then, when it’s over, I celebrate with a Marlboro Light the minute I hit my car.
But so what, I’m doing it and I’m actually sticking to it. My trainer fucking tortures me, I try to make him laugh a lot so that he will stop making me do so many reps but it never works. Then he increases my weights and I spew obscenities at him on every push or pull or lift. Then he just laughs at me and makes me do it all over again. It’s a total fuck you session that I secretly enjoy and the banter makes it go by rather quickly. He tries to trick-count on me a lot and I tell him that’s why he’s a trainer and ask if he needs help learning the alphabet.
So I essentially pay someone to motivate me. It’s kind of awesome, I wish I could hire a personal trainer in other arenas of my life such as “laundry” and “writing” and “stop masturbating and clean the house”. Is that considered a life coach? Oh right, that’s considered a husband and I no longer have one.
On that note, if you need me I’ll be not doing laundry and masturbating before I have to head out to the gym.
Rock on.
I’d rather run than have Willard Scott near me – he used to be a clown you know. Most clowns cannot be trusted.
Switch to Camel smokes -
Willard Scott is the most repulsive human on the planet. He gives me nightmares and makes me want to shower like a rape victim if I am the unfortunate witness to his Smuckers segment.
I think he’s related to Danny Kay. Who is also of the same repulsivenss…
Rutabaga,
You be careful, young lady.
Le Clown
bwahhhh
That’s why I specifically said “MOST CLOWNS”…you get the distinction of being not most Clowns… but Le Clown.
Everybody love Le Clown. Now we all have to stroke his fucking clown ego.
I bet he strokes hi own in his spare time
That should be “his” not “hi’
Rutabaga is so right. John Wayne Gacy was a clown too. And that Ronald McDonald is a pedophile. When I use the eliptical, I pretend I am stomping on the face of someone who pissed me off. Usually my boss. It passes the time and I keep my job. Congrats on your efforts!
Exceeding Speed,
You be careful, young someone.
Le Clown
Le Clown is the ONE exception to the creepy clown rule.
Thank you for pointing out my rightness about clowns (with a small “c”) as opposed to Le Clown with a “BIG C” -
I had a run in with Ronald McDonald…never again… and I’m pretty sure Willard Scott shouldn’t be trusted with small children or the elderly.
I think I have to blog about Willard Scott now.
In 7,000 words or more.
I’m writing it as we speak, and crediting you with providing me the most fucked up knowledge ever that he was a clown…and I quote, “It’s like someone telling you the boogeyman that you’ve always been afraid of has just grown 10 feet and will be residing in the closet at the foot of your bed where he will come out to dream-rape you nightly for all eternity.”
You are welcome… I think he was a bozo the clown too… I know my clown horrors. I even had a student teacher in 5th grade that was a part time clown…information like that SEARS itself into my brain.
This may be where I went wrong. I quit both drinking and smoking at the same time. Six months later I was 30 pounds heavier. I’ve managed to lose about ten over the last couple of months though, so not too bad. And just because I don’t smoke anymore doesn’t mean to don’t wheeze like a marathon runner also. All it takes for me is walking up the stairs to my apartment, but that is getting better.
Jon,
I too quit both at the same time. After 1 month, I knew it was going to be one or the other, so I went back to smoking and gave myself up to a year. That year hits November 9th…ugh.
Cool, well I think having a solid day set will help. Good Luck!
Thanks…I’m a professional procrastinator however.
Tracy,
I don’t care what your trainer says. I don’t care what anyone says, everyone is wrong: smoking is good for you. Take it from a non-smoking clown. Have one on me.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
I love you.
Tracy
Tracy,
I know.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
I loved your piece today. Thanks for the laugh, it was right up my alley, and by alley, I mean birth canal.
Tracy,
Let’s chat tomorrow if you have time. I’d like that. Now off to bed I go. Le Clown is a fucking old man.
Le Clown
You got it old clown.
See, I love running, I run every single day, but I HATE elliptical and the treadmill makes me sick, literally, 15 minutes on a treadmill it’s hell, overall I hate gym, the whole socialization that gores on at a gym it’s rather repulsive to me, but that’s me and people skills.
Le Clown it’s under attack on the comments just because he’s a clown, life it’s unfair, even for clowns.
Dear Doggy’s Style,
You are awesome for running out in the real live world, a world filled with jaded clowns.
Tracy
YAY! My most favorite part of going to the gym was ALWAYS my post-workout cigarette. Now I don’t smoke and life is a little bit (whole fuck of a lot) sadder, but I can still feel the amazingess as though it was yesterday.
Good for you amazing reformed smoker! I have quit on numerous occasions for up to 2 years, and I always wind up back on the tobacco wagon. One vice at a time…
This is probably my 4th or 5th time quitting and I’m at about 10 months. I’d like to say that it’s forever, but I also LOVE LOVE LOVE smoking. I know for a fact that if I won the lottery, I would start again the second the baby was born.
It’s one of the most difficult things in the world. Once you smoke, it’s always there…beckoning you.
If you switch to American Spirits you will get a more organic cancer. FYI, lung cancer doesn’t hurt. It will kill you but it doesn’t hurt. So that’s good news.
Thank you, because I heard a legitimate chuckle escape me.
I’m here for you and I specialize in gallows humor.
How ya doin’?