the nickname game

How freaking awesome are nicknames?  In addition to people watching, nicknaming is also one of my favorite past times.  Within the first 10 minutes of knowing someone, I will have developed a pretty solid nickname for them.  As the relationship evolves and develops over time, so may the nickname.  Make no mistake, I have also been the recipient of many nicknames over the years, to name a few:

Skeletor, Spinach Head, Big Bird, Xena or XXX, Charles Street and Tits McGee…to name a few.

Skeletor, Spinach Head and Big Bird were from childhood, when I was a very tall, very skinny, very awkward white-blonde headed girl who got brutally fucked with on the school bus.  I swam all the time and my hair turned a lovely greenish tint in the back, hence the name.  Kids, angels straight from heaven.

Xenia, or XXX was how all of my inter-office emails and phone calls came in for a long time.  At the time, I was a designer and art director, a co-worker, aka Big White, being unhappy with his own nickname I had bestowed upon him (which was btw the most prefect nickname ever in the history of the world) came up with it, and it stuck.  It’s for that fucking late 90′s show “Xena The Warrior Princess”.  I mentioned that I was blonde, that didn’t matter to them.

That stuck around for a while, until Charles Street took over.  Yeah, it’s a very well-known one way street in my town.
Control issues?
And then Tits McGee…self-explanatory, because I have god-given 36 triple D’s.
I’m sure there are plenty I’m forgetting, and if anyone can remember them feel free to post (Rob, Chris…you fuckers)
As far as dishing them out, holy shit, there are so many:
Knuckles, Foot Steak, Big White, Sneaky Pete, Horse Cock, Flap, Gillette, Burt Reynolds, Spalding, Twisted Tea, Finger Fuck, Back Nine, Prozac, Doogie Howser, Monte Christo, Jergens, Pizza Crust, Gingie, Peanutbutter Balls, Kermie, Racky, Gunner, Dick Trick, DWI, Ham Ass…I could go on forever, and as I sat conjuring these the kaleidoscope of memories had me laughing out loud.
Some are pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll give you the back story on a few.
Foot Steak:  A long time ago I dated a guy (literally, 2 dates) and on one of our second date, he was taking me over to his friend’s house for a cookout.  He said he was in charge of picking up the steaks for the party so we stopped at the grocery store, where he proceeded to buy 3, yes THREE of the thinnest, cheapest, grayest steaks I have ever seen.  The meat of which would be akin to slicing the meat off of the top of your foot.  They were securely wrapped in Saran wrap atop their styrofoam resting place, and were no more than 1/8″ thick and no more than $1.29 each.  When we arrived, he asked my to carry in the bag of steaks (that weighed like 8 ounces) so he could carry the beer.  (Sidenote: at this point in the program I noticed he shaved his arms, we were on a rapid downhill trajectory) There were like 20 people there with the grill all fired up and ready when I handed the hostess the THREE gray foot steaks.  She took them out of the bag and with a forced smile said “thanks”.  I know she thought I had bought them myself.  The tone of disappointment was palpable.  My new date became about 3 bottles of wine.
Monte Christo:  I have a friend who cannot make a decision to save his life.  This becomes painfully apparent when it comes to ordering in a restaurant.  He flip-flops back and forth through the menu, changes his mind 47 times, and is plagued with anxiety and self-doubt when he finally places his order.  One late morning we were in a diner.  This was particularly horrific because not only was he faced with his normal dilemma of what to order, but now there was a choice of Breakfast, Lunch, or Dinner.  Watching the process transpire had me in tears at the table.  In like the first 5 seconds I was like French toast on Challah bread, 2 eggs over easy, and done.  He spiralled out of control from eggs to cheeseburgers to salads to pancakes to grilled chicken.  He broke an actual sweat.  I pissed a little in my pants.  After so much anxiety producing deliberation, as the waitress stood there obviously annoyed, he opened the menu, closed his eyes, and blindly pointed to The Monte Christo.  That is what he ordered, and he seemed particularly pleased with his ability to make a (blind) decision.  When our order arrived, mine was absolutely perfect, and his looked like someone threw up on his plate.  I immediately fell over in the booth in hysterics, laughing loud enough to get kicked out.  It was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen, and it only got worse as he tasted it.  As I enjoyed my breakfast with mascara running down my cheeks, he dropped the F-bomb 900 times and lost the remainder of his hair.
Dick Trick:  I know a few of you reading this will know exactly who I’m talking about, because it is one of the funniest fucking things I have ever witnessed in my life.  There was this guy we all knew, on the outside you would just think he was a regular guy, not crazy, not particularly boisterous, just a guy.  He’d be out on a date or a party or something, and when you put just the right amount of alcohol in him…out came Dick Trick.  He would do things like unzipper his fly and rest his entire package, balls and all out of his fly.  He would then proceed to walk through a restaurant or party as if nothing were out of the ordinary…for the whole night.  If someone pointed it out, he would just give a cheshire-like smile and shrug and keep on walking.  On occasion, he would decide to perform his infamous dick tricks to unsuspecting crowds.  I remember The Fruit Bowl in particular, where he would drop his pants, bend over and pull all his junk back wedged between his ass crack.  It did indeed look like a fruit bowl.  Banana Hammock was another big crowd-pleaser.  The nonchalance in which he did these things was the funniest part of all, as if he were showing you how he could tie a cherry stem with his tongue.  He got kicked out of a lot of restaurants and bars.
So with that my friends, I want to hear about YOUR favorite nicknames, that you either bestowed upon someone or were the recipient of.  Come on, give me your best…

37 replies

  1. Mercifully, my name is hard to make fun of. The worst I got as a kid was Loam Ass (Lomas). I got over that one pretty quick. Today, I carry the monikers Slo, Slow Miss, and Sara Tall. I actually love them all. Especially Slo (S. Lomas) because it is accurate and sets people’s expectation relatively low, which is where they need to be. It’s only up from there.
    Lovin’ your blog, Po Mo (potty mouth).

  2. Though no where near as funny as your nicknames, my ex called me “buttercup” for a while. But then it evolved into “cups of butter” for some reason. That is a seriously weird name to call someone in public. :)

  3. X,
    I’m wiping tears from my cheeks as I’m reading this, so many fun and fond memories of those days. Ham Ass, one of my favorites. I’m trying to remember Roseaca’s real nickname, but I can’t. Perhaps a poetry post?

    White

    PS, we used to call the fruit bowl “Slitless Gash” But not anymore….

  4. I can’t remember if I came up with this, or, it was pre-existing, but I fondly remember calling you 36 DDD’s “The Twins” I mean, come on, who else has tits with their own nickname!

  5. hmmm, Since my last name is “List” and my first name “Chris”, there was a lot of “chris, miss list”, get it? duh. But my mom called me “Christabelle Minerva” all the time. Later when I was in my early 20′s I worked at Kinko’s and we all had nicknames. For some reason mine was “champ”, and people called me that for years. I always call people stupid little nicknames, usually just by adding a “y” to the end of their names, sortof to be annoying, but also to show affection. My boyfriend’s name is “Werner”, which has been very difficult for me, plus he’s not really the type who appreciates having a cute little nickname. My best friend calls him “Wernsie”, but she’s the ONLY person that can get away with it and George Bush kinda ruined “W” for me.

    My daughter started calling me “meem” instead of mom, then “meems”, and all summer she’s called me “meemsicle”.

  6. LOL Great Stuff. Wish I could help,but (comma placement?) here in the south where my gypsy self has landed me all the nicknames begin with,Bubba. As for the ladies among us it is: Bring me another beer.Please( if you are lucky)…

  7. When I started my first job out of high school (About 12 years ago) I was driving an ’88 Lincoln Town Car, all electric and all leather. The guys at work started calling me Pimp Daddy Jon. After a week this got shortened to PDJ, and now it’s just PD. My mom, brother and everyone at work still calls me this.

    About six years ago I decided to get ordained online. When the members of my Jaycees Chapter found out about this a few of them started calling me Brother Jon.

  8. None of mine come close, but a few of mine are: “Queeny” my late grandfather called me this, he was the only one – I was his 1st grandchild, could do no wrong, his queen ~ “Peep” family nickname that has stuck with me for 40+ years, my grandfather gave it to me because I would peep around the corner from my crib … I’ve got others for different venues (yes, venues depends who you are hanging with, where you are and what you are doing) Emerald, Batman, MacGyver to name a few. Thanks for the laugh today Xena

  9. I love nicknames so much, I nickname inanimate objects. I even nicknamed the word nickname: nickers. There should be a gameshow for nickering.

  10. My brother, Robin, has always been known as The Boy Blunder after Batman’s sidekick The Boy Wonder. Must be tiresome now he’s nearly 40.

    We have many nicknames for the locals down the pub. My favourite is “House Is A Mess”. It was what her husband shouted at her during a very public arguement at the bar a few years back.

  11. I endowed a forme boss with he nickname The Penguin. I call a guy I currently work with Princess Persnickety, which has become, to my inner circle, P-squared. I posted about both of these winners.

    I think my nickname at work is probably Biatch, but no one is brave enough to call me that to my face.

    My best friend calls me “Sound bite” because I manage some pretty good, unorthodox observations and put-downs. We, privately, refer to her daughter as The Flying Nun because she has some mighty big ears. We thought she might “grow” into them. Lucky for us, she hasn’t. Yes. We are going straight to hell. But that’s why she’s my best friend because what kind of mother would make fun of her own child’s obvious (and probably genetic, on her father’s side, of course) physical deformity. Why, my kind of mother, that’s who.

  12. You’re hilarious, I wish I’d found your blog before now! My nicknames were, and are still PoshWitch, and Ragdoll.

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