One of my very favorite pastimes is people watching. For true. I love to play the game My Life as strangers pass by. It’s a nifty little sociological study rooted in perception, intuition and laser focused attention to detail.
With this said, I have found a proverbial goldmine! A beautiful untapped reservoir right at my fingertips. How have I never known of this, what an utterly hilfuckingarious way to completely waste hour upon hour, under the guise of “research” for my “blog”.
Online Motherfucking Dating.
Holy Shit. I am a full-on kid with Tourette’s in a candy store.
I had NO IDEA what this world was all about. The one’s I have checked out are Match, Zoosk, OKCupid and last but not least, Plenty Of Fish. I only thought there were 2, Match and eHarmony. Who knew there were like a million sites catering to every possible genre and fetish imaginable.
My first target (because it’s free and a crazy clown told me about it) was Plenty of Fish…or POF.com
OK, so first you create your profile, write some shit about yourself, put up a few pics, and answer between 20-150 questions. I thought, shit, let’s have some fun! So I put up a few pics, answered my zillion questions, and then put up the kind of paragraph about myself that fit perfectly inline with my blog and writing style. Full disclosure, basically posted a lot from my intro page here and totally stated that I was 10 months sober, and that I didn’t have a drinking problem, I had a stopping problem.
Click. Posted it. Let the games begin!
Not to toot my own horn, but toot toot! Within 2 hours I had 37 messages in my inbox! This was awesome! As I began opening the messages, I realized that on one hand I would never be dating again, but on the other that I would never ever run out of blog material.
The photo’s that people post ASTOUND me. Hi! I think I’ll take my photo shirtless in my bathroom mirror with a broken towel rack in the background! Hi! I think I’ll take a picture of my living room instead of me because that will really bring in the ladies! WTF?
I was poking around and a chat box came up, just for fun I engaged, here was the conversation:
Douche: Hey, you’re real hot, do you want to go dancing?
Me: I love dancing, I go about 4 times a week.
Douche: Where do you go dancing?
Me: Church basements mostly.
Douche: What kind of dancing do you do in church basements?
Me: The Twelve Step Shuffle. I’m awesome at it.
End of chat.
Without further ado, here are a few of the hopefuls that landed in my inbox. Tell me I’m exaggerating.
Rrrrrraaaahhhhhhrrrrhhhhh. That shit made me shart I laughed sooooo freaking hard and snot flew out of my nose all over my computer screen. This was the first one I had opened, I was a junkie, and I needed more.
Seriously? That’s the best you could do? Do you remember that you’re trying to get an actual date? Maybe next time try not making a face like you’re getting a rectal exam and perhaps lose the white undershirt in the pool.
I don’t even think I have a comment, but I will let you know that “he is really into cuddling.”
Hell Yeah! Fuckin’ A right! What’s Up Ladies!
To me this says “I live at home in my Mom’s basement and am most likely missing a few teeth. I live on Slurpees and Crystal Meth.”
This must have been the best you could do with your Kodak Instamatic back in 1979.
It puts the lotion in the basket.
And last but not least:
Nice, real nice.
So my friends, see how fun this can be! I wasted my entire evening!
It really is fascinating, and hilarious. Besides that, no one will be putting their pony in my stable anytime soon.