I know a lot of guys who love to masturbate. And by a lot, I mean all.
I have been researching this topic for many years, I find it captivating. Jerking off stories are hilarious, particularly the more creative ones. These usually take place when you guys first learn about the amazing super powers of you penis, and the ability to actually shoot stuff out of it. Obviously the fascination never ends, but in those beginning stages of adolescent horniness, the imaginative, ingenious methods conjured up have had me on the edge of my seat, eyes the size of saucers, jaw in my lap. My reaction to these stories always ends the same way, with tears running down my legs.
Maybe I think it’s so funny because penises are funny. Of course they’re not funny when they are inside of you, but when they’re just hanging around, they make me giggle. If I had one of my very own, I would masturbate like it was my job. Without a doubt. I would play with it like a new puppy.
So without further ado, I give you Creative Masturbation Techniques and Stories That I Have Actually Heard.
*don’t worry, if these stories look disturbingly familiar, all names have been changed to protect your happy penis shenanigans.
The Tube Sock:
When Mark first discovered the joy of spending alone time with his penis, he just couldn’t get enough of himself. He soon realized however, that semen was messy. In order to protect his new favorite past-time from his mother, Mark had to find a way of keeping the stuff off of his sheets (and walls, and toilet seats, etc…) Mark had an idea! He would simply take off one of his tube socks, cover his penis, and beat-off directly into it, then toss it into the hamper, no muss no fuss. This went beautifully and Mark spent his adolescence happily burning through tube socks like Lance Armstrong and Testosterone, unsuspected.
It wasn’t until years later when Mark suspected his own son of being at that stage. Lingering around the dinner table on Thanksgiving with his extended family, out of earshot from the kids, he made a casual comment about his suspicion. After quite a few glasses of Chardonnay, his Mother exclaimed to the table, “Honey, you’ll know for sure if his tube socks stand straight up by themselves when you go to do the laundry!” All of the sudden, a grown man, Mark was a 14 year old boy, caught with his dick in his hand.
When Travis was turning the corner into manhood, just like every other boy, he was obsessed with the wonderful new feeling his penis provided. His Mom didn’t return home from work until around 4:30, so it became his favorite after school activity. After some time of the same old same old, Travis was getting bored, and wanted to expand his masturbatory horizons. He had an idea! Travis went into the kitchen and got himself a plastic sandwich baggie and brought it back into his room. Looking around, he found the lotion and squirted some into the baggie. He laid the open Playboy on the edge of his bed. Another idea struck him and he went to find a lighter from his Mother’s dresser drawer.
He ran back into his room and closed the door, excited and aroused as only a 15 year old with a bag of lotion and a lighter can be. He pulled his shorts and underwear to his ankles and got on his knees in front of his bed. He held the lighter far enough away from the lotion baggie not to burn it, but to warm it sufficiently. Once to his desired temperature, he inserted the warm baggie filled with lotion between the mattress and the boxspring, inserted his penis, and went to town. About 12 pumps into his simulated vagina fantasy, his door swung open, and there was his Mom, home from work early. They had a deer-frozen-in-headlights moment, then she closed the door and exited the room. Travis withdrew his shrunken and disappointed penis and began his full-blown panic attack. They pretended it never happened and never spoke a word of it to each other.
Now…take a bathroom break, I saved the best for last…
The 10 Step Chiquita Vagina:
Much like Travis, Dan was getting pretty tired of the old rub and tug, and was dying to feel what it would be like to be inside of someone/thing other than his own sweaty palm. Dan was a visionary. He dreamed big, and had developed a very elaborate system that he used for years. There would be no tube socks or baggies for Dan, no sir, he was going to make a vagina if it killed him. After much trial and error, Dan struck gold. He had an idea! His simulated vagina recipe went like this:
1. Get a ripe banana (ripe was crucial)
2. Cut the end of the banana off to match the length of your erect penis.
3. Procure a roll of duct tape.
4. Tear off approximately 3-4 4″ strips and leave hanging off the edge of a table/counter.
5. Place the banana in the microwave for 30-45 seconds.
6. Remove banana and carefully squeeze out the inside, leaving the skin in tact.
7. Place the banana shaft over your penis.
8. One at a time, wrap the duct tape around the banana peel, to ensure the peel does not split or rip open.
9. Place duct-taped banana peel back in microwave for 20 seconds.
10. Remove from microwave, insert penis, and enjoy your chiquita vagina.
I can with 100% certainty predict that at least one guy will try the banana thing.