Holy Mother of God do I have a headache.
I’ve had it for 5 freaking days now. wtf? It freaks me out, is it stress? allergies? the 900 cigarettes I smoke? the worlds stiffest neck? brain tumor? grinding my jaw at night? did I forget about a tampon last week and am suffering toxic shock? I’m giving myself a headache thinking about why I have a headache. It’s ridiculous. I haven’t had a headache like this since I was drinking. It’s like a 4 long island iced teas, 2 dirty martini’s, a bottle of champagne and a few tumblers of scotch and 3 hours of sleep kind of headache. I’ve tried 47 cups of coffee, excedrin migraine, motrin, copious amounts of water…nothing’s touching it.
Actually, not true.
My 4 year old’s glass-shattering shriek as he doesn’t beat a level on Mario touches it. As I watch these letters appear on my screen, each one sends a needle into my eyeballs. But I needed to check in. Since Freshly Pressed, I picked up a lot of followers and I don’t want to disappoint, even though this post will ultimately do just that.
At least I’m powering through and showing up for my imaginary job of blogging. Such integrity, I know.
It’s the kind of headache that makes you want to crawl back into the womb. Dark and cool and quiet and weightless. I need a simulated womb. But instead, I have to be event coordinator, project manager, chauffeur, personal chef and referee to my two young boys. That is anything but awesome today.
Please help…do you have a magical cure for headaches? I’ll try anything. If you fix me I can get back to writing funny shit.