deep thoughts : the antiversary

… those interested in perpetuating present conditions are always in tears about the marvelous past that is about to disappear, without having so much as a smile for the young future.

—Simone de Beauvoir

There is a big part of my life and inner turmoil that I have kept to myself as I have moved through the past year.

The reason I am sharing, is because that’s what I do on this blog.  At times it’s erratic, one minute I’m writing about a female urinary device malfunction, and the next it’s Deep Thoughts.  As I said, it’s a rollercoaster, and the purpose of this blog in the first place was to create an outlet in which to get out of my own head.

I wasn’t sure where the path would lead, so out of respect I kept it personal and to myself.  Now I have found myself in a position of certainty so without going into too much depth, I have been separated really for almost a year (emotionally, but in the same house) and physically (he moved out) since February.  At this point on our path, it is in everyone’s best interest to change my Facebook relationship status : Separated, or It’s Complicated, or Single.

Divorce.  The Big D Word.  It is on the horizon.

And today is my Anniversary, or Antiversary.  It is an easy day to get tangled in the nostalgia of the past.

I’m not going to launch into a rant about fault, who did what or who’s to blame.  It took two to get here, and at the end of the day, it just didn’t work out.  I have ridden the rollercoaster of hate, anger, mistrust, disillusionment, confusion, hopefulness, struggle, up and down and back again, and have arrived here.  At acceptance.

If there is one thing we do agree on completely, it is that our children come first, and that if we come from a place of mutual respect, compassion and understanding we will do the next right thing as we navigate our way through the process.

That is all I am going to write about it.  I am not a private person, obviously, but this journey involves another person whom I do not wish to slander or speak ill of, he is and always will be the Father of my children so I will respectfully keep this out from under my verbal microscope.

So, 9 months of sobriety, navigating a separation/divorce, raising 2 children, losing my dog…yes, these things have been challenging.  My life lyrics have been a chart-topping country western song at times.  This past year has been all about personal growth and transformation.  Friendships have both fizzled and flourished.  I am a piece of a large puzzle.  I took myself out and changed my shape.  In order to fit back in, the pieces surrounding me either must change their shape as well to accommodate me, or I must find a new puzzle that I fit into.  It’s a personal overhaul, but the rewards are great and many.

It’s a journey that unfolds every day.  I’m still here, I’m happy, well-adjusted, I feel pain and happiness and don’t have to drown them.  I move through those feelings and always arrive on the other side.  I am not filled with self-pity, I am filled with gratitude for life with all of its beautiful intricate ups and downs.  Pain is ok, because on the other side is happiness, happiness which we would not appreciate without that pain.

Hanging on to any moment, once it’s gone, deadens us to the joys and lessons of the present. We must learn to let go, to let go of persons, painful situations, and even meaningful experiences. Life goes on, and the most fruitful lesson before us is to move with the vibrations, be in tune with them.

I work every day at living in the moment.  It is what it is.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012
from the book Each Day a New Beginning

With each new day I put away the past and discover the new beginnings I have been given.
—Angela L. Wozniak

We can’t recapture what is no more. And the minutes or hours we spend dwelling on what was or should have been only steal away from all that presently is. Today stands before us with promise. The opportunities for growth are guaranteed, as is all the spiritual help we need to handle any situation the day offers.

If today offers us a challenge, we can be grateful. Our challenges are gifts. They mean we are ready to move ahead to new awarenesses, to a new sense of our womanhood. Challenges force us to think creatively; they force us to turn to others; they demand that we change. Without challenges, we’d stagnate, enjoying life little, offering life nothing.

We each are making a special contribution, one that only we can make; each time we confront a new situation with courage. Each time we dare to open a new door. What we need to do today is to close the door on yesterday. Then we can stand ready and willing to go forward.

This day awaits my full presence. I will be the recipient of its gifts.

14 replies

  1. Very well said, Tracy ! I too am in recovery. A wonderful journey! And I recently went thru an antiversary… LOVE that terminology !!! I could SO relate to all you had to say today…. ok, except that whole “womanhood” thing !

  2. One – the words you speak and how you convey them….i commend you. Two- your advice for people on all paths is worth taking. Tracy Records……

  3. I can’t believe I’m just finding you today since it appears that we hang out with the same crowd. Good on you and congrats on a year of sobriety. That’s stellar. I am not in recovery but went through some very dark years and I know what you mean about living a truthful life. Well done!

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