Dear 100 Calorie Multi-Grain Bread,
I was taken aflutter when I first saw you across the aisle. Just sitting there, all sexy, enticing me with your promises of great taste and only 100 calories for 2 slices. Your declaration to hold my sandwich contents without blowing 300 calories on your embrace seriously turned me on. I wanted desperately to take you home, and to do things to you that you never dreamed of.
Seriously turned on, I began slowly untwisting your top. As I delicately peeled down your package, I noticed that your slices were about the thickness of a regular piece of bread, that had been run over by a car. But I was not dissuaded, I had confidence and I believed in you.
I popped you in the toaster to really heat things up in hopes of increasing your stamina, and then began to build a healthy sandwich for insertion.
I started with a delicate daub of humus right on your midsection to moisten things up, then added some avocado, tomato, red onion, cucumber and a thin slice of turkey. Oh God I was so hot!
I then pressed you together, enveloping the contents, bound together in fecundation. And then it happened.
Just as I was about to enjoy my first climactic bite, your true colors began to shine now that you were no longer safe behind the protection of your boastful bag. You ruptured under pressure, exposing all of your weakness as you dissolved into a humus-half slime, crunchy top abruption.
A tear fell from my eye as I stared at the sloppy, rejected sandwich contents splattered across my plate, spit out and rejected like last nights hooker.
So, Multi-Grain bread, I went out on a limb and tried to make you my bedfellow. You disappointed me with your false promises and inadequate performance, just like so many before you. I must end our short-lived relationship and try to patch things up with your 300 calorie rival. Although he weighs much more than you, he never disappoints or fails to satisfy me in only a way that real bread can.
Adios Motherfucker Bread,
Categories: Open Letters