I was perusing The Huffington Post the other day, and came across a little gem about Yankee Candle Company deciding to produce a line of “Man Candles.”
Scents include “RIDING MOWER” “FIRST DOWN” and “2×4”…to name a few.
The descriptions are marvelous, take 2×4 for example: “The warm, unmistakable scent of freshly planed wood and sawdust evokes a sense of confidence and quality.”
Brilliant. I would straight up buy riding mower, no question.
I’ll be the first to admit that anytime I am forced to pass a Yankee Candle Company in a mall, that my eyes instantly begin to sting and water and I begin to dry-heave profusely.
The assault on your senses is waaaayyy more intense than a Double Rainbow, and I do happen to know what it means.
It means that the variegated mid-air conglomeration of HOT APPLE PIE WHITE LINEN VANILLA LILAC PEACH COBBLER PINA COLADA TRANQUILITY CINNAMON PLUMERIA CHRISTMAS TREE kicks you in face so hard you can taste it.
It’s a crazy kaleidoscope resulting in total sensory overload. It’s too much of too many unrelated things all at once.
It’s like shoveling baby dolls out of a tube of toothpaste while counting backwards in German and masturbating with a sea urchin. It’s just like that, but in your nose. It makes no sense.
They say that scents are our strongest links to memories. Maybe that’s why I feel overcome with unexplainable anxiety and utter confusion when I walk by.
Anyway, the article got me thinking…
I get really annoyed by candles boasting false olfactory promises such as “TRANQUILITY” “RELAXATION” “HARMONY” “PEACE” “SERENITY” etc…
I feel the same way about them as I do about people who endlessly post motivational quotes on Facebook. The only thing that motivates me to do is unfriend you.
So, I came up with some ideas for a new line. Kind of a reality check for those who are overly optimistic or entirely too cheerful.
Some ideas include, but are certainly not limited to:
“FAILURE” “DEFEAT” “LONELINESS” “EMPTINESS” “PANIC ATTACK” “DEPRESSION” “MALIGNANT MELANOMA” “MENOPAUSE” “REJECTION” “IMPOTENCE” “NOT INVITED” or “TABLE FOR ONE”
I’ve even done some preliminary packaging.
They would be great in a guest bedroom, don’t you think? For the in-law’s?
I’m always open to new suggestions.
And now, just for fun, since I referenced Double Rainbow…it’s been long enough, I promise, it’s just as funny as the first time you saw it.