I was perusing The Huffington Post the other day, and came across a little gem about Yankee Candle Company deciding to produce a line of “Man Candles.”

Scents include “RIDING MOWER” “FIRST DOWN” and “2×4”…to name a few.

The descriptions are marvelous, take 2×4 for example: “The warm, unmistakable scent of freshly planed wood and sawdust evokes a sense of confidence and quality.”

Brilliant.  I would straight up buy riding mower, no question.

Shocker.

I’ll be the first to admit that anytime I am forced to pass a Yankee Candle Company in a mall, that my eyes instantly begin to sting and water and I begin to dry-heave profusely.

The assault on your senses is waaaayyy more intense than a Double Rainbow, and I do happen to know what it means.

It means that the variegated mid-air conglomeration of HOT APPLE PIE WHITE LINEN VANILLA LILAC PEACH COBBLER PINA COLADA TRANQUILITY CINNAMON PLUMERIA CHRISTMAS TREE kicks you in face so hard you can taste it.

It’s a crazy kaleidoscope resulting in total sensory overload.  It’s too much of too many unrelated things all at once.

It’s like shoveling baby dolls out of a tube of toothpaste while counting backwards in German and masturbating with a sea urchin.   It’s just like that, but in your nose.  It makes no sense.

They say that scents are our strongest links to memories.  Maybe that’s why I feel overcome with unexplainable anxiety and utter confusion when I walk by.

Anyway, the article got me thinking…

I get really annoyed by candles boasting false olfactory promises such as “TRANQUILITY” “RELAXATION” “HARMONY” “PEACE” “SERENITY” etc…

Fucking marketing.

I feel the same way about them as I do about people who endlessly post motivational quotes on Facebook.  The only thing that motivates me to do is unfriend you.

So, I came up with some ideas for a new line.  Kind of a reality check for those who are overly optimistic or entirely too cheerful.

Some ideas include, but are certainly not limited to:

“FAILURE”    “DEFEAT”    “LONELINESS”    “EMPTINESS”    “PANIC ATTACK”    “DEPRESSION”    “MALIGNANT MELANOMA”    “MENOPAUSE”    “REJECTION”    “IMPOTENCE”    “NOT INVITED”    or    “TABLE FOR ONE”

I’ve even done some preliminary packaging.

See, you can market anything.  I know for sure I would buy any one of these candles, for their show-and-tell appeal if nothing else.

They would be great in a guest bedroom, don’t you think?  For the in-law’s?

I’m always open to new suggestions.

And now, just for fun, since I referenced Double Rainbow…it’s been long enough, I promise, it’s just as funny as the first time you saw it.

You’re Welcome.