OK, I’ve wanted to write this for a while, but honestly I had a really hard time knuckling through the rest of the book.
I’m sorry all you horny ass women, but Fifty shades of fucked up is right. It may have been a turn on to hear about Ana getting worked over with a riding crop, but the overpowering turn off for me, was the horrible writing.
I’ll be the first to admit, I was swept up in the hype. I couldn’t hold a conversation without being informed of “how horny Christian makes you!” Everyone was all, “OMG, you have to read it, it’s sooooo good!” OK! I will! Masturbating is fun! I ordered the trilogy on Amazon…
I swear I wanted to like it, I really really really did! I stocked up on panty liners for day reading, and batteries for night. I was ready to get my perv on. Let’s do this!
I’m sorry, but this has to be the most appallingly atrocious writing I’ve ever seen in a major release, the writing is about two levels worse than the worst Harlequin romance you’ve ever read. Were there no editors available?
WILL SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN A THESAURUS
And oh, the repetition…and the repetition…and the repetition. It turned me off more than the sex turned me on. Allow me to break it down for you.
I did a little research (yep, no shit, I really did) and according to the Kindle search function, I found out the following:
• Characters roll their eyes 41 times
• Ana bites her lip 35 times
• Christian’s lips “quirk up” 16 times
• Christian “cocks his head to one side” 17 times
• Characters “purse” their lips 15 times
• Characters raise their eyebrows a whopping 50 times
• 80 references to Ana’s anthropomorphic “subconscious”
• 58 references to Ana’s “inner goddess”
• 92 repetitions of Ana saying some form of “oh crap” (which, depending on the severity of the circumstances, can be intensified to “holy crap,” “double crap,” or the ultimate “triple crap”).
• Ana says “Jeez” 81 times
• Ana says “oh my” 72 times.
• She “blushes” or “flushes” 125 times, including 13 that are “scarlet,” 6 that are “crimson,” and one that is “stars and stripes red.” (I can’t even imagine.)
• Ana “peeks up” at Christian 13 times
• There are 9 references to Christian’s “hooded eyes”
• There are 7 references to Christian’s “long index finger.”
• Characters “murmur” 199 times
• Characters “whisper” 195 times
• Characters “clamber” on/in/out of things 21 times
• Characters “smirk” 34 times.
• Finally, in a remarkable bit of symmetry, our hero and heroine exchange 124 “grins” and 124 “frowns”
… which, by the way, seems an awful lot of frowning for a woman who experiences “intense,” “body-shattering,” “delicious,” “violent,” “all-consuming,” “turbulent,” “agonizing” and “exhausting” orgasms on just about every page.
And this is only part one of a trilogy…
If readers of this are really interested in some good juicy erotic-fiction without the thinly veiled, poorly constructed romance subtext, I highly recommend the Sleeping Beauty series that Anne Rice wrote under the pen name A.N. Roquelaure: The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty / Beauty’s Release / Beauty’s Punishment. That shit will get your horn on. Guaranteed.
With that said, I’ve come to the conclusion that reading the second or third book is a Hard Limit for me. I’m going to use my safe word on this one. And it’s not Mercurial, or Mighty fine.
But that’s just my opinion, which makes it right.
Anyway, always remember you is smart, you is kind, you is important.
(sorry, wrong book).