50 shades of my opinion

OK, I’ve wanted to write this for a while, but honestly I had a really hard time knuckling through the rest of the book.

I’m sorry all you horny ass women, but Fifty shades of fucked up is right.  It may have been a turn on to hear about Ana getting worked over with a riding crop, but the overpowering turn off for me, was the horrible writing.

I’ll be the first to admit, I was swept up in the hype.  I couldn’t hold a conversation without being informed of “how horny Christian makes you!”  Everyone was all, “OMG, you have to read it, it’s sooooo good!”  OK!  I will!  Masturbating is fun!  I ordered the trilogy on Amazon…

I swear I wanted to like it, I really really really did!  I stocked up on panty liners for day reading, and batteries for night.  I was ready to get my perv on.  Let’s do this!

And then…

Oh my.

I’m sorry, but this has to be the most appallingly atrocious writing I’ve ever seen in a major release, the writing is about two levels worse than the worst Harlequin romance you’ve ever read.  Were there no editors available?

WILL SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN A THESAURUS

And oh, the repetition…and the repetition…and the repetition.  It turned me off more than the sex turned me on.  Allow me to break it down for you.

I did a little research (yep, no shit, I really did) and according to the Kindle search function, I found out the following:

•  Characters roll their eyes 41 times

•  Ana bites her lip 35 times

•  Christian’s lips “quirk up” 16 times

•  Christian “cocks his head to one side” 17 times

•  Characters “purse” their lips 15 times

•  Characters raise their eyebrows a whopping 50 times

•  80 references to Ana’s anthropomorphic “subconscious”

•  58 references to Ana’s “inner goddess”

•  92 repetitions of Ana saying some form of “oh crap” (which, depending on the severity of the circumstances, can be intensified to “holy crap,” “double crap,” or the ultimate “triple crap”).

•  Ana says “Jeez” 81 times

•  Ana says “oh my” 72 times.

•  She “blushes” or “flushes” 125 times, including 13 that are “scarlet,” 6 that are “crimson,” and one that is “stars and stripes red.” (I can’t even imagine.)

•  Ana “peeks up” at Christian 13 times

•  There are 9 references to Christian’s “hooded eyes”

•  There are 7 references to Christian’s “long index finger.”

•  Characters “murmur” 199 times

•  Characters “whisper” 195 times

•  Characters “clamber” on/in/out of things 21 times

•  Characters “smirk” 34 times.

•  Finally, in a remarkable bit of symmetry, our hero and heroine exchange 124 “grins” and 124 “frowns”

… which, by the way, seems an awful lot of frowning for a woman who experiences “intense,” “body-shattering,” “delicious,” “violent,” “all-consuming,” “turbulent,” “agonizing” and “exhausting” orgasms on just about every page.

And this is only part one of a trilogy…

If readers of this are really interested in some good juicy erotic-fiction without the thinly veiled, poorly constructed romance subtext, I highly recommend the Sleeping Beauty series that Anne Rice wrote under the pen name A.N. Roquelaure: The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty / Beauty’s Release / Beauty’s Punishment.  That shit will get your horn on.  Guaranteed.

With that said, I’ve come to the conclusion that reading the second or third book is a Hard Limit for me.  I’m going to use my safe word on this one. And it’s not Mercurial, or Mighty fine.

But that’s just my opinion, which makes it right.

Anyway, always remember you is smart, you is kind, you is important.

(sorry, wrong book).

Laters, baby.

38 replies

  1. haven’t read it and I wont waste my time now. Read the Anne Rice trilogy and that was OMG….. I think I even gave it to Judy ( not certain she liked it) .

  2. I LOVED the Sleeping Beauty trilogy!! It had a deep and powerful effect on my life. Haven’t read 50 shades of grey… and now I don’t think I will. Thanks for the heads up :-) Love the results of your research! Very telling.

  3. Okay, I am embarrassed to admit it but I read all 3 books. I was on vacation, cut me a break. I have to agree that writing is awful, and dare I say it, enough with the sex already. For real. Go see a movie, or have a dinner that doesn’t involve some secret object hidden in your lady parts all night….

  4. Your review is spot on. I particularly hated when she said “oh my”. How many times can Christian run his “hands through his hair”? Lastly..the email exchanges are tedious and boring.

    • Right? I just don’t get the hype. Have you ever read the Sleeping Beauty trilogy? If you have not, you should…I have it, I’ll put it in O’s backpack for you :)

  5. OMG!! Thank you for the god’s honest truth! These books suck the big one! There should be Cliff’s Notes on these just to save everybody else from suffering thru them! Sawing on my wrist with a plastic fork is probably less painful than even trying to read the next 2 in this series…which I will not be doing after skimming thru both. (hey, I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt)
    But I am gonna look into the Sleweping Beauty trilogy!!

  6. Hahaha! I have to say that I actually enjoyed the Fifty Shades trilogy a lot, but you are so right about it’s repetitiveness! I love how you figured out how many times certain words/acts were used! And, I liked it much more than the Anne Rice ‘Beauty” books. Though, probably because the story line was current. And I think the second two in the Fifty Shades trilogy are quite a bit better than the first one in terms of story line, though they are again a bit repetitive descriptively.

    • You go with your bad self, you fearless horny defender you. I just wish it did it for me, apparently it worked well for about a gazillion other women, and least of all E.L James who’s tweaking her nipples all the way to the bank.

  7. Good point, well made. I read them all recently too, and the writing is awful. The only thing worse than the repetition was singing 50 Cent songs in my head every time Ana thinks, “Oh my Fifty.”
    And has any woman in the history of women had an orgasm from nipple stimulation alone? I’m really curious.

    • Yes, The Help was a great read. 50 shades…brace yourself for the writing, I know plenty of people who got past the horrible writing and were able to play the banjo to it. I, however, could not.

  8. I recently read 50 shades of grey and I couldn’t agree more with your opinion. As I was reading it all I really cared about was how much ana says oh my and how incredibly annoying it was.

  9. Yes. It is truly, truly awful. I might be slightly obsessed with this series – it’s like this train wreck. You know it’s horrible, but you keep looking anyway. Well, and recapping. It has excellent comedy potential, although I don’t think she was aiming at that.

    If a thirteen year old viewed porn once and wrote a book, this would be it. I just can’t believe she’s a grown woman. Or that so many grown women think this book is a major turn on. I mean, to each his own but – just – wtf?

  10. I was avoiding reading this until I could do so secretly on a Kindle, as a friend who unashamedly loves uber-trash and says ‘I don’t like books that make me think’ told me it was ‘not very well written’, which made me a tad afraid. I finally read it to investigate the hype, and what struck me even more than the poor writing was the dangerous messages it offers naive readers: a) an entirely inaccurate portrayal of sex (so disappointing not to orgasm at the meerest nipple twitch), b) no matter how many shades of fucked up, you can always hope to ‘change’ a dangerous, abusive, violent man to be the supreme love of your fairytale life, and c) when your friend tries to date rape you, you should be mad for a few days and then forgive him, he’s a sweetheart really.

  11. ‘no-one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the public’

    and i recommend the ‘story of o’……i keep asking people for the sequel, but just end up getting a book about a phone company

  12. Tracy,

    First, I could read your blogs all night. Thank you for that. Second, I’m currently studying 18th century restoration and its authors–no yawn needed, I know. Despite that deceitful course title, please pick up a copy of Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure by John Cleland. Its got more stroking, stretching, heaving, and moaning than Fifty Shades of Gray has in its little pinky. Plus, it’s only 188 pages. If you ever pick it up, how you enjoy it; it’s surprisingly entertaining.

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