bad ideas make good stories : dried apricots

The other day I was doing the usual old grocery shop, when I had the good fortune of happening upon a bag of dried apricots.  I was like holy shit!  Dried Apricots! I used to love these things!  Where have they been?  How have they escaped me all these years? They look like a giant bag of ears!  I will market them that way to my boys in hopes that they will then eat them.  Perhaps I’ll tell them of Mike Tyson, or Van Gogh and we’ll make a game out of it.  What fun!

With 2 little kids and a life of shuttling them around to school and adventures and playdates and road trips and sports, my car looks more like a mini convenience store than an actual car.  And yes haters, I drive a minivan.  It is ridiculous, a minivan convenience store. Who have I become, a question I’d wager every Mom driving one has asked herself at least once. It’s a Honda Oddessy, but I have learned that they are pretty impervious to speed traps.  I’m convinced that with the right combination of “life is good” and “support our troops” bumper stickers that you could quite easily run meth across the border unsuspected.

So anyway, after getting home and almost dislocating both shoulders trying to carry every grocery bag in one trip, I put everything away and got right back in my car to pick up one son from the bus stop, the other from preschool.  As usual, they were both acting like Ethiopian children who had not had a morsel in 4 days.  I explained to them that they were extremely fortunate and that they should be grateful that they didn’t have distended bellies and dysentery and a frenzy of flies around their eyeballs.

Thank goodness I had that bag of apricots!

We all snacked away while I ran home for about 8 minutes to pack a quick picnic dinner, get everybody changed and geared up to head right back out to baseball practice.  We finished the bag of apricots in the car.

At this point, the apricots had been in our bellies approximately 45 minutes.

As I overloaded both shoulders, looking like a sherpa hauling all of our crap. I grabbed my folding chair and went to close the trunk when all of a sudden a startlingly loud and extremely powerful fart nearly ripped out the seat of my jeans.  “What the fuck was that?” I thought to myself, as my 4-year-old stood by my side, announcing to anyone in the parking lot that would listen “ewww, mommy farted, disgustin’!”  Children, little angels straight from heaven.

Regaining my composure, I began the trek across to our practice field on the far side of the school.  My stomach was protruding more and more with each step, and the gurgling and rumbling alerted me to the fact that something terribly wrong was going on.  Christ, what did I eat?

Again, without warning, a long and very high-pitched fart came screaming out of me.  It sounded like Louie Armstrong was playing a solo, right in my very own anus.  I am sure that the families around us heard it, so I just pulled a “Wyatt, what do you say?”  But he was no fool, exclaiming to anyone that would listen, “Mommy, you’re silly, that was your fart!”

This continued for the entire agonizing 2 hour practice.  Sitting in my lawn chair, ripping up a storm that smelled akin to eating a dead bucket of squirrels, shitting them out, re-eating them and then shitting them again into a jar, adding more dead squirrels, pissing on them and then letting that jar sit in the sun for 3 days and then opening the jar. Times 10.  Seriously, it was fucked up.

Finally practice was over and as I was farting and gathering our stuff up, Logan said, “Mom, my tummy really hurts.”  Of course I told him he was just hungry (I tend to feed any problems after 5) so we ate and headed home.  So we get home and it’s 7:45, we have to do homework, do baths, read books all in attempts at getting them to bed by 8:45-9:00.  But when we were at the field, one of the Mom’s asked Logan, “Did you finish your book report?  What did you do yours on?”  What?  Book report?  FUCK!  So now add book report to our to-do list.  Awesome.

Oh yeah, did I mention I had the worst gas pains of my life and was up to an astonishing 5 farts per minute on average?  Did I mention that our house smelled like sewer gas?

So Logan and I sit and start working on his book report, and he is reading the book out loud, and he is ripping identical farts to mine about every 6 words.  He said,”Mommy, I just feel so farty, I can’t stop it’s like the farts just keep coming out of me and I can’t help it.”  Oh dear god…the smell…

We start trying to guess what we could have eaten?  My youngest, Wyatt was not having the same problem.  He is made of farts anyway though.  This made getting them to bed a frigging nightmare, because what’s funnier to 2 young boys than farts?  You know what’s funnier?  When it’s Mommy too.  It was surreal, trying to tuck them in while there is constant, and I mean constant farting.  Each fart produces another laugh, and the smell is so horrible our eyes were watering and we are hysterically laughing in agony and I started to actually dry heave.

I finally, FINALLY got them to sleep and went downstairs to get some fresh air.  But that didn’t last because I soon polluted that space as well.  My stomach looked as if I was a solid 6 months pregnant.  I had to go to bed, I curled up in the fetal position and just let them rip.  You would think they would have to stop, but as fast as I released them my stomach just made more.  I could hear Logan farting in his sleep.  It was pure head scratching insanity.

I awoke this morning, and by awoke I mean shot out of bed in a race for the bathroom like someone had just shoved a red-hot poker in my rectum.  Let me tell you about explosive.  If I would have shit through a screen I would not have hit metal.  I felt like Megan in Bridesmaids, I just kept thinking “hot lava”.

Finally that subsided, and I skeptically removed myself from the toilet and went to make the kids breakfast.  It appears Logan had had a similar experience.  And then it hit me…

Dried Apricots.

I Googled “dried apricots” and the 3rd one down read “apricots and gas”.  I did a little research and in no time the mystery was solved.

So Please,  beware of this seemingly innocent dried fruit…

unless you have a bone to pick with your husband or are trying to get out of sex for the evening.

You’re Welcome.

40 replies

  1. OMG, I’m crying I’m laughing so hard…because I know it’s so so true. I had to leave my desk 3 times to be able to get through reading this…I was going to explode with laughter. Well said, Tracy, well said!

  2. You know what else makes you fart? Trying to hold in laughing at your blog while at work. I’ll have to remember to just read you at home.

    • jeri, i am thrilled, and honored that i made you fart at work. if you really forced out a fart by holding in a laugh i can think of no bigger compliment.
      thanks for posting,
      tracy

  3. “I’m convinced that with the right combination of “life is good” and “support our troops” bumper stickers that you could quite easily run meth across the border unsuspected.” Haha so true! I’ve had a bad sticker on my mini van for MONTHS and had cops driving behind me and I’ve yet to get stopped. I could renew the plates but I’m in a betting war with my husband about when I’ll finally get a ticket. I make it six more months and I win $50 bucks.

  4. I have no idea who you are, but this was the most awesome thing I’ve ever read. And thanks for clearing up the confusion of the “what crawled up my butthole, died and then exited again” mystery from earlier. I was actually just googling “dried apricots calories” and when gas popped up before calories, I remembered my hellish experience earlier today. Thank you for this. I will never eat those again.

  5. Very funny post! I’m relieved to learn that I was not the only victim of dried apricots. Took me 12 hours of embarassment to figure out the culprit, when there was actually no other possible suspect, since I had snacked on them the whole day!
    My only “constructive feedback” would be to ask you to avoid offensive jokes. You would have made my day if you had not brought up the stereotype of starving, sick, and dirty Ethiopian children. Yes, that is all the media show of Ethiopia, but anyone with access to Google should know better than that. It is outrageous that people use it as a joke in the first place. Not even someone from Ethiopia would have the right to do that.

    Well, I hope to laugh out loud on another of your post.

    Thanks for sharing!

    • Sarah,

      Thanks for reading, and commenting. The comment was not a judgement, or fueled by hate, it was simply an observation, albeit an overused one.

      As a self-deprecating recovering alcoholic, I often wear a very tight tee-shirt emblazoned with a bulls-eye, the fabric of which is woven from a magical blend of inappropriate humor, fearless observation, filter-less living, empirical wit, and irreverent sarcasm. I will ultimately laugh at anyone’s expense, just as I laugh at my own. It’s my special way of showing love; it means that I like and respect you enough to laugh at your shit, too. We are all flawed and fucked up and at times are perfect targets for the butt of a great joke. I will capitalize on that–I guarantee it–the result will be warm tears running down your legs.

      Respectfully,

      Tracy

  6. I found your blog when I googled apricots and gas! Yep I am another victim! The apricots were and are still delicious . Trader joes from turkey apricots! Gassy gassy husband hates me eating apricots!

  7. This was priceless and I’m sure glad I read it as I’ve bought 2 packages of dried apricots to experiment with.Gonna try using them in some sweet rolls I think but I’ll be cautious with their use.I’ve never used them as they aren’t grown around here,, Northeast Louisiana, but what the hell, I’m divorced and my dogs share my bed.Even if the apricots do their most awful number on me they won’t mind, besides I will never beat my 4 min pins. They sound like they’re ripping cloth if they cough and when they relax watch out;green toxic clouds waft slowly from my bedroom.They actually woke my bird dog,Beaudreaux up and he really gets grumpy.Anyway thanks for the warning.

    • I had the same experience with canned Hunt’s Tomato Sauce. I was shopping one day and thought I would save a couple dollars so I reluctantly went to the bottom shelf if you know what I means..Forward to bedtime. My Dalmation Holly got off the bed after hours of nostril abuse and with her tail between her legs looked back at me as if to say ” You dirty bastard.” I won that round. But I have yet to go back to the bottom shelf. I now pray that my purchase of ” Newmans Own” really does support charity. You rock Tracy the habitual writer.
      Zig

  8. oh my gosh. i just googled “apricots and gas” to try to figure out what was wrong with me, and your blog popped up. i think i love you. i also think i cleared out the whole room of ellipticals at the gym earlier! i’m praying my fiance doesn’t come home any time soon, because holy apricots does our condo smell terrible! thank you for make me double up in laughter!

  9. Dammit! Why didn’t I read this BEFORE going to job training today?!?! In a computer lab, after lunch, most painful and embarrassing afternoon of learning EVAR.

  10. No more dried apricots for me. My husband is suffering more from my smelly gas than the pain from the surgery he had Tuesday. They really should come with a warning.

  11. I stumbled across your blog as I was googling for “dried apricots gas” and lo and behold, here I am.

    This gas is outrageous.

    I had probably 3/4 cup of dried apricots.

    I can watch my stomach move. I can feel it inside of me. It smells like burnt rubber.

    All on the eve of our second wedding anniversary. I am literally crying laughing.

  12. I wonder if non-sulfured apricots pack such a punch? My mom, Gaseous Clay, as we sometimes call her claims an “allergy” to sulfites, used to keep dried fruits from looking like beef jerky, and she does throw some lethal shit when she eats the pretty sulfured ones. Also, moderation, people. Moderation. Eating a bag of dried apricots is eating, what, 75 apricots–minus any fluids to help them through. I’m betting that would produce some prodigious off gassing, too!

  13. I made the mistake of grabbing a bag of these fruits of the butt devil, and had the same results, not quite as dramatic… Impressive writing, it was because of an apricot I stumbled into this mind of madness..

  14. You’re post is too funny, I read it out loud to my boys and we are all crying we are laughing so hard. I once made the big mistake of eating a bowl of stewed prunes and apricots after coming off of a 2 day fast. I’m not sure what the hell I was thinking, but since there was nothing else in my system, I devoured them. In about 1 hour it looked like the alien was in my intestines, my farts were incredibly loud and stinky, and just when one would go, the pipeline would send another. My husband was completely disgusted, but all I could do was laugh until I cried.

  15. Okay so ever since I have been on my medication (almost 3 years) I don’t get gas ever which is amazing but today after doing the same thing you did in the store, “omg haven’t seen dried apricots in so long! ” and eating a Container full couldn’t figure out for the lIfe of me why I was having random horrible gas then it dawned on me the only new food I introduced to my diet. So I googleditand your story came up! I was dying laughing and glad someone else has a similar experience!

  16. Wow, so detailed and so much information! My roomate ate an entire bag of dried apricots and had repetative gas as described above… Man them things can tear you apart! Funny blog!

  17. Omg!!!! I bought a bag if dried apricots and took them to work with me thinking these are better to snack on then chips. Half way thru the bag, my stomach isn’t feeling right… Im farting and pooping like crazy!! My butt burns!! When i got home and googled about apricots I laughed to hard throughout your blog that it woke my husband from his sleep and he left to the other room. So glad I wasn’t the only one experiencing these problems!! Thanks for sharing!!

  18. OMG…this was hilarious. Side splitting, hurting laughter. I googled “what to do with dried apricots” because I found a bag in the store the other day and had the same thought! “Wow, haven’t had these in ages!” I didn’t want to make a pie, so I was just snacking on them. I sincerely hope I found your post in time to ward off the damage…I stopped eating after about 5 of the little buggers, so maybe I won’t be birthing aliens soon…

  19. I laughed so hard at the that years are rolling down my face at work. I really hope nobody comes to see what I’m chortling about!

  20. Another victim here…just had the same horrific apricot experience…and worse, thought I gave myself enough time after letting one rip before heading into the Coach store, but nooo….it totally followed me in and the sales rep had to know who the guilty party was. I used to <3 dried apricots…sad. But your story made me laugh!

  21. Yuuuuuuup! I’m sitting on the toilet right now with the worst case of the shits and my phone in my hand googling apricots and shits! cuz all I ate today were some dried apricots and almonds. Damn it! I wish I read this before this hellish mistake! Most epic story of yours though, thanx for clearing this up Tracy. No more aprictos for my ass.

  22. I googled apricots and constipation and your blog was the second thing to come up. At the beginning of the story, I was eating apricots. By the end, I was laughing hysterically and put the bag away. Do you mind if I reblog this? I have a section for poop stories and I would love to add this to it.

  23. Here I sit with my stomach rolling after eating dried apricots. I originally thought it was the sulfer dioxide…but no. These were sulfer-free. So I had to Google this, and here is where I found you. I needed a good laugh. Seriously funny shit!! And so spot on.

  24. OMG HYsterical.. and so true.. As soon as I read you opened the bag in the car and dug in.. I knew there was trouble.. I farted once when the cable guy came. One of my sons was home when he came over .. My son was 23 at the time.. The cable guy was explaining something and I ripped one.. came from nowhere.. My son looked at me with huge eyes and I started laughing uncontrollably. The cable guy continued like he heard nothing, he would of had to be deaf to not heard or smelled. OMG I’m still laughing.

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